Take That, Barbaro: Better Horses Get Honor

Zombie Barbaro must be pissed! The Philadelphia Park Liberty Carousel in Franklin Square — that carousel is everything our founding fathers hoped and dreamed of — recently added replicas of two racehorses: Smarty Jones, who blew the Triple Crown on the backstretch, and Afleet Alex, who won the second two legs of the Triple Crown and cured cancer.

Did I hear that right? Two better horses — who won 66.7% of the Triple Crown races, instead of just 33.3% — got replicas and Barbaro is nowhere to be found? That’s what I’m talking about! Let’s get confirmation from Amy Needle, CEO of the carousel or something:

“These horses are made for us by our horse carousel-making company in Wichita, Kansas. We sent them pictures of the horses and these are exact replicas of racing carousel horses painted with Smarty and Afleet colors and numbers.”

It makes sense that there are only replicas of Alex and Smarty; unlike a regular racehorse, you can’t ride a carousel horse to its death.

Each carousel horse cost $30,000 of course, which in these booming economic times is no big deal.

Philly Carousel Gets Replicas of Local Winning Race Horses [KYW 1060]

I Didn’t Even Make A Glue Factory Joke

Honestly, I don’t think all of these are real — though people have contacted my bosses with pretty much equal sentiments — but this is my favorite:

You should walk a mile in the horses hoofs and see if you like it.

I’ll be at the dog show for some of the day. Now there’s an animal I can call advertisers about if someone jokes about dogfighting or something.

Another advantage of being a human over a horse: I don’t have to nail my shoes to my feet.

Wednesday: Dead Horses Found Beaten In North Philly

Dead Horses Found Beaten In North Philly

Investigators got a tip about unsanitary conditions for horses in a North Philly stable. And it turns out well, the tip was dead on:

Officials from the SPCA said they received and anonymous call reporting the nearly block of stables housing dozens of horses, were rundown. The SPCA along with the Department of License’s and Inspections responded to the scene and found mountains of manure, malnourished horses and a partially buried carcass.

The article said charges are pending as they investigate, but I can only assume that has to be a typo. These are horses, people! Whoever leaves them in conditions like that ought to get a parade down Broad Street. Hell, let me be the marshall, I can ride Zombie Barbaro all the way to the Navy Yard!

Update: I get phone calls about my shitty joke, too!

SPCA: Malnourished Horses Found In Philadelphia [CBS 3]

Barbaro, America’s Favorite Zombie Horse

As you may have seen, a battle between rival Barbaro factions has been raging in the comments section of my latest post about America’s Favorite Horse.

It began, as usual, with defenders of Barbaro — FOBs, or Friends of Barbaro — rushing to the comments to point out how evil of a person I was for beating a dead horse. (I was actually kind of hoping it would actually be fans of “Buzz” Bissinger coming to defend the writer, but apparently he does not have a fan messageboard.)

Most of it is pretty normal, but I did kind of enjoy this one:

If we played a drinking game where we took a sip whenever you wrote something clever and profound, we’d all remain eternally sober.

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Respected Writer Writes De Facto Barbaro Book

Unbelievably, Barbaro still lives. America’s Favorite Horse™ is back in the current edition of Vanity Fair, with a 13,000-word profile of Barbaro by “Buzz” Bissinger. (Oh, yeah, via Philebrity, it’s also becoming a movie.)

Since it’s 13,000 words about fucking Barbaro, I’ve come up with a pretty good way to enjoy this, I think. With the help of reader R.J. White, I present The “Buzz” Bissinger 13,000-Word Barbaro Article Drinking Game.

Take a sip when:

• Barbaro’s “spirit” is mentioned.
• A phrase — i.e. “Never fall in love with a horse” — is repeated for dramatic effect.
• The reaction after a plane crash is compared with the reaction after a horse’s injury.
• Barbaro’s original jockey is forgotten like that.

Take a gulp when:

• Barbaro is given a human emotion, such as joy. (Take two if there’s a double whammy cliche, such as “joy and abandon.”)
• Barbaro is compared to a human. (Take two if he’s compared to a legendary sports figure.)
• Barbaro is given a human talent, such as communication. (Take two if his communication is translated into English and it isn’t something like “I want an apple.”)
• A phrase — i.e. “Never fall in love with a horse” — then comes back later in the story for dramatic effect. (Take two if, later, a different person falls in love with a Barbaro despite trying not to.)

More of the game and selected quotes from the article continue below.

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