The Daily News Shows Us How You Finish A Story Properly

The Daily News lets us know today about wrestler Michael Taris, who allegedly intentionally fell at a 7-Eleven in hopes of collecting damages.

After the story was turned in, an editor walked out to the newsroom and told writer William Bender he needs just one more sentence to fill the space. “Write to the line!” the editor bellowed. “And make it quick!”

I know this because that’s the only way one could possibly come to this stellar last paragraph:

Taris, who formerly wrestled for the World Wide Wrestling Alliance, now wrestles for the National Wrestling Superstars, authorities said. He also worked for Premier Escort Services as a male dancer and as a massage therapist for Massage for Men (M4M), where he went by the name “Sean.”

Now that’s the kind of article closer you could only get in the Daily News. (The Bucks County Courier Times article, you see, added one more sentence after the massage revelation: “National Wrestling Superstars promotes more than 50 family-style wrestling events throughout the year in New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania and Delaware, according to the organization’s Web site.” I think family-friendly wrestling is the less honorable profession here.)

Attorney general/Internet perv detector Tom Corbett has a release on his site about it if you really need more info. And, hey, how the hell did Pennsylvania manage to get attorneygeneral.gov, anyway?

Wrestler ‘falls’ on hard times, arrested [DN]

Late N.J. Undertaker Deathly Serious

The Lame One-Liner Revue for Tuesday, September 9th, 2008.

Don’t worry! That Undertaker is doing just okay. It’s just a headline! That Associated Press headline at right actually reports an undertaker in New Jersey was involved in a murder-suicide. (That phrasing always sounds ridiculous.)

And now: The details, which will no doubt have you making awful jokes the rest of the afternoon:

Police say he left behind numerous letters explaining why he did it.

Lt. Michael Gaimari says Brooks killed his wife because he was worried how she would fare after he was dead.

Neighbors say the funeral parlor Brooks ran had fallen on hard times and the couple was experiencing financial problems.

Hard times? But people were dyin’ to do business there! Or did the price of bulk caskets, or maybe embalming fluid, go up? Or maybe everyone’s just healthier; maybe the state’s smoking ban proponents can cite this as proof of its effectiveness.

The Press of Atlantic City does its best to quell any rumors:

“We can rule out this was an act of domestic violence,” [Gaimari] said, referring to similar cases across the county - some as recent as last month - in which jilted men killed their girlfriends in acts of passion-fueled aggression. “It looks like he did it because he was worried about her well-being in his absence.”

Good thing the paper noted this trend went “across the county” and wasn’t limited to just a section of Atlantic County, or just to undertakers.

WWE Wrestler Wows Ivy League Kids

About a hundred World Wresting Entertainment fans gathered to see Chris Jericho - wrestler turned actor, television personality, radio host, rock star and now author - at a book-signing appearance for his first book, A Lion’s Tale: Around the World in Spandex.

According to Jericho, the book is a “coming-of-age story” depicting how he “got to the pot of gold, with wrestling as a backdrop.” [...] “The Sexy Beast,” as Jericho is known, took a hiatus from wrestling beginning in 2004 after a loss to fellow WWE wrestler John Cena.

Rumors of a possible comeback spread throughout the line of fans, but Jericho was reluctant to respond to questions about it.

Although fans had little to say about Jericho’s latest TV movie, Android Apocalypse, they said they enjoyed his literary debut.

Ahh, yes, literary giant Chris Jericho speaks at the Penn Bookstore. Was there a screening of Android Apocalypse to coincide with his book signing? That film is from 2006, so the writer was looking up things to add to the article on IMDb. Or he somehow saw Android Apocalypse last year.

WWE star draws crowd at Penn Bookstore [DP]

The Answer Is ‘Yes’ To Both

This is Part 2 of our continuing series of “Getting back to the important news” now that the election is over. Well, the U.S. election. Polls for “Hot or Not Hot” remain open via judge’s orders.

Hot or Not Hot: Hulk Hogan [NBC 10]
Hot or Not Hot: Brooke Hogan [NBC 10]

Hollywood Blonde Jabronis

I’ve always loved reading our city’s fine gossip columnists, because they have the hardest job in the world: Writing a gossip column in a town with no celebrities.

Dan Gross today wins the prize for the gossip item that sums up Philadelphia perfectly:

Wrestling legend Iron Sheik was there signing autographs and taking pictures with fans when 94.1 Free FM WYSP’s Kidd Chris celebrated his 32nd birthday with a party at Brownie’s (38th & Chestnut) Thursday night. The night before, Sheik and Chris hit Apollo (7th & Chestnut) for dinner, where Sheik told the radio host stories of his time in the 1972 Olympics and dissed Hulk Hogan, whom he called a “Hollywood blond jabroni.”

Perhaps this is part of a wrestling storyline, where the Iron Shiek is challenging Hulk Hogan to avenge his loss of the WWF Title over 20 years ago. Ooh, I can’t wait for the next installment!

Out and about [DN, 4th item]

In Their Next Bit Of Cross-Promotion, Marty Moss-Coane Will Execute The Stone Cold Stunner On Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake

A tipster has just notified us of the sponsor that was just on the traffic report on WHYY 91 FM:

Wrestlemania 22, this weekend on pay-per-view.

You know, I’m for all the sponsorship WHYY can get, but I’m not quite sure there’s too much of a professional wrestling/public radio crossover audience. Just sayin’.

Lead of the Century

While the Penn basketball team was leading Texas at halftime, the Penn wrestling team was competing in the national championships. And one Penn wrestler, Matt Valenti, went out and won the national title Saturday.

But, on Friday, Valenti upset a member of Oklahoma State’s wrestling team — nicknamed the Cowboys — and Penn’s Matt Herrington edged another OK State wrestler. Which led to this lead in the Daily Pennsylvanian:

OKLAHOMA CITY — Forget Marlboro Cigarettes, there are some new cowboy killers in town.

Ooh, that’s pretty good! But I think he didn’t quite go far enough.

OKLAHOMA CITY — Forget Brokeback Mountain, the Penn wrestling team was a top for its own Cowboy grappling this weekend.

See? Now isn’t that much better?

Valenti to compete in championship match [DP]
Quakers can’t keep up [DP]

Violence breeds violence

Every once in a while, parents of little kids playing sports get unruly and end up in fights with coaches, other parents, referees, &c. It’s, unfortunately, a part of kids’ sports.

And, it recently happened in Delaware, Action News reports:

Angry parents are blamed for ruining a pee wee wrestling match over the weekend in Delaware. The target of their anger was a referee.

For referee Darren Archangelo it a blow to the face and a blow to pee wee wrestling. There was a match between 9 year olds at a state championship on Sunday. When the dominant wrestler lost in the last ten seconds, Archangelo says the boy’s enraged mother flew out of the stands and grabbed the whistle around his neck. And Archangelo says that’s when another fan snapped after the match up.

Wow. A fight at a wrestling match. What a shocker. That kid’s mom totally should have just distracted the referee instead so her son could hit his opponent with a steel chair.

Fight Ruins Kids’ Pee Wee Match [6 ABC]

Overwritten Lead of the Moment

Yes! For today’s Overwritten Lead of the Moment — now an official category here, natch — we only have to travel just over the river to New Jersey, where we have this sad story from the Associated Press (all emphasis mine):

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — A volunteer high school wrestling coach collapsed just minutes before his team was to begin competing in a state wrestling competition on Sunday.

He later died at a local hospital, unaware that his team had captured a title at the meet.

Ouch. Talk about kicking a guy when he’s down.

Wrestling coach dies after collapsing at state wrestling competition [AP/Philly.com]

File this one under “we’ll believe it when we see it — no, wait, we’ll never believe it”

Next you’re going to tell us they’re starting drug testing in baseball!

Drug Testing Coming To Pro Wrestling [NBC 10]
Kinda creepy slideshow of wrestlers who have died young (but only since 1990) [NBC 10]