Out-Of-State Winies, The LCB, And God

In the beginning, God created man and the ethyl alcohol molecule. Later, man discovered the ethyl alcohol molecule was psychoactive. In other words, he discovered how to get drunk.

Alcohol is officially endorsed by both God and Jesus, and as such it’s one of the most popular drugs in the world. But even though God and Jesus both love alcohol, some people thought it shouldn’t exist. So the U.S. banned alcohol and everything was fine except for the flagrant violation of the alcohol laws and the gang wars and the deaths from contaminated alcohol and (most importantly) the loss of tax revenue. America got rid of Prohibition and Pennsylvania founded the Liquor Control Board.

Officially, Pennsylvania hoped for the return of Prohibition, if only to shut down the saloons in Philadelphia (see, in some ways this Prohibition wasn’t about alcohol at all!). But soon the state did discover the value of the tax revenue of drunks, and now it restricts the sale of “wine and spirits” to state-owned stores that usually suck.

The most-famous alcohol tax in Pennsylvania is the Johnstown Flood Tax, originally levied at 10 percent to help the Western Pa. town recover from a 1936 flood. Now the money goes to the general fund. As you might have guessed, the rate is now 18 percent, having been raised for reasons not related to flooding in Johnstown.

Yes, the state loves alcohol revenue. It gets better: The state once banned out-of-state wineries from shipping directly to consumers in Pennsylvania, because that makes sense. But a bunch of court rulings eventually made that law unconstitutional, so now somehow the state is going to make a new law that will do the same thing and (I guess, you never know) be constitutional.

All of this is being done to “protect the children,” because allowing wineries to ship alcohol to Pennsylvania residents would make it easier for kids to get booze. They, apparently, do not have access to it now.

For more information, consult your local anti-Pennsylvania LCB bloq.

Pa. Lawmakers May Restrict Wine Shipments [AP/NBC 10]
Photo by RobotSkirts, Creative Commons license

Scan Your Arm, Buy Some Wine

The Inquirer asked wine lovers what they thought of the LCB’s forthcoming supermarket wine kiosks. Not surprisingly, these oenophiles — I spelled it right the first time! — are not happy with Pennsylvania’s plans.

Wait, what? No, really: The subhead says wine lovers are “appalled.” And here is some evidence:

Randy Torban of ClassicWines.com, a Pennsylvania-based Internet clearinghouse for learning about and buying wine, put it this way: “When people buy their wine, they expect a small touch of class to be involved. You don’t get that from a machine.” [...]

“It’s silly, and it’s gimmicky,” said Daniel Donahoe, a former wine and spirits retailer who now produces wines in California’s Sonoma County.

These guys know this idea is for Pennsylvania, right? Nobody’s wondering if the sometimes surly, sometimes chipper woman selling us wine and occasionally checking our ID is going to recommend something better than the Yellow Tail we just grabbed off the rack when we’re late for a party.

But no matter. The Inquirer acquired one of the wine kiosk proposals, which would include “opaque windows [that] would prevent minors from viewing the bottles.” Oh, and you’d have to give away your DNA in order to buy from the vending machine:

To use the machines, customers would have to register at the supermarket with the help of a Liquor Control Board employee. The registration would include providing fingerprints and a valid credit card, and allowing an infrared arm scan.

After that, users could go to any machine and place their arm and hand on a sensor. Once their identity was verified and the machine determined they were not intoxicated, the glass would clear and they could make their selection, which would arrive in a sealed package.

Oh, yes, I am expecting Pennsylvania’s residents to eagerly line up to have their arms scanned so they can buy wine at the same place they buy milk. Actually, this could be a pretty good test to see what people will put up with in order to buy alcohol.

Convenience, LCB-style Editor’s Note: ERROR. DIVIDE BY ZERO. [Inquirer]

Advanced Robots To Sell Wine — In Pa.

Recently, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board — which, if you didn’t know, some people think should be abolished — announced it was seeking proposals for several hundred wine kiosks in Pennsylvania. The kiosks would be placed in (get this!) grocery stores and malls.

Yes, it’s a step forward, and a surprising one from the LCB. And check out this technology!

The kiosk has security identification measures such as fingerprints and biometric readings, he said. Users would have to register and purchases would have to be made with credit card, debit card or PLCB gift card.

Oh, boy, I can’t wait to have to register and get fingerprinted to buy wine. Sigh. One step forward, two steps back.

Pennsylvania wants to sell wine in kiosks [AP]
A wine vending machine? Pennsylvania could see them soon [Dr. Vino's Wine Blog]
Thanks, Rob!

Leftovers: Mummery Of Years Past

• From the George Grantham Bain Collection at the Library of Congress comes this photograph of mummers in 1909 (click to enlarge). Wait, there was a time at the Mummer’s Parade before all the spectators were wearing Eagles jackets and the mummers carrying Eagles flags? Wow. [Library of Congress via Criminently, Nutsey!]

• Now that the Inquirer and the Daily News have been sold, what will happen to those plucky, talented writers who do their jobs and don’t complain and are pretty talented individuals, to boot? Here’s the scary part: We don’t know. [NYT]

• Pennsylvania, apparently, has an official, state-licensed Wine of the Month Club. Naturally, the wines are shipped to your local state store once a month, and not to somewhere a bit more convenient. [KYW 1060]

• In a book review, Malcolm Gladwell says that on average, Allen Iverson hasn’t even been the best player on his team some years. Ho ho! Good one, Mr. Gladwell! Oh… wait… you’re serious? Well, do you mean Matt Geiger or Nazr Mohammed? Or do you mean Michael Cage? [The New Yorker]

• And, finally, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey had anonymous gay sex at Jersey rest stops, he admits in his new book. Well, so much for his new book being boring! More on this tomorrow, God willing. [AP/NBC 10]

Blogicized: B Is For Blog

• According to an ACLU blogger, the government is looking more and more like the evil villain in a movie adapted from a comic book. How can you stop this? According to an ACLU blogger, by joining the ACLU. [Speaking Freely]

• Ahh, a good wine that people seem to enjoy that’s only $13, and yet… you could never buy it in Pennsylvania. And the winery says it’s all gone. I love the LCB! [Philadelphia Foodie, 4th item]

• Now indie bloggers can syndicate their content and possibly (ha) get paid! I can’t wait until newspapers and blogs from here to El Paso are running “Abridged Daily News Columnists.” [Blinq]