Thank God For PR People

Heinz spokeswoman Tracey Parsons, on the 1500-pound ketchup packet Collinsville, Ill., is building as a fundraiser.

“That’s a lot of ketchup.”

The ketchup packet will soon journey to Heinz HQ in Pittsburgh, where it will be elected mayor.

A ketchup packet that won’t fit in your pocket [AP/CNN.com]

We Totally Need One Of These In Philadelphia

Approximately seven hours away across the state in Erie, they’re having some trouble funding the International Magic Hall of Fame and Museum. Wow, really? Considering the only recent time I can think of a magician in the news is David Blaine failing to hold his breath for an hour or whatever after spending all that time in a bubble — seriously, did that actually happen, or did I dream it? — I guess the public just isn’t all that into magic.

But whatever. Further down in the article about the lack of a magic museum, there’s this line:

The county gave $25,000 to help start a School of Conjuring, which opened earlier this year.

Yeah, we totally need a school of conjuring in Philadelphia. Although here, instead of regular card tricks or whatever, they’d probably teach three card monte.

Plans For Pa. Magic Museum Stalling [CBS 3]
Related: Magician Ricky Jay on Arsenio in 1988

Pa. Rest Stop Greatest Thing Of All Time

If you’re headed to the U.S. Open next weekend, you’ll probably take the Pennsylvania Turnpike out to Oakmont, where this year’s tournament is being held. (You could go somewhere else, but you’d have a tough time finding the U.S. Open there.)

If you do take the turnpike out to Oakmont, you’ll be happy to know there are rest stops along the way, according to this helpful press release sent to PW from HMSHost.

Come this June, Oakmont, Pennsylvania will be a welcome haven for travelers and golf buffs alike. The debut of the new and improved Oakmont Travel Plaza will please the more than 30,000 drivers expected to pass through the city during the U.S. Open Golf Tournament. Designers at HMSHost, a world leader in travel food and retail, have created new outdoor patio seating and high rooflines made of glass that maximize sunlight. Before travelers rush off to see Tiger hit the links, they’ll want to take a moment to enjoy the scenic Pennsylvania beauty and a tasty bite to eat.

Delicious meals can be found even before arriving at the Oakmont Country Club. Tee up for that long time in the sun while you watch the pros and try the Peppercorn Parmesan Turkey with Bacon sub or a fresh Raspberry Chipotle Chicken salad from Quiznos. To satisfy that sweet tooth, go to Hershey’s Ice Cream for a Butter Pecan ice cream cone or banana split. Other options include Starbucks Coffee for a rejuvenating coffee pick-me-up or Burger King for the ever classic WHOPPER®.

Stopping for refreshments can taste and feel good this summer -HMSHost is kicking off a promotion with the Coca-Cola Company and the United Service Organizations, Inc. (USO) to raise funds for a third year to support U.S. troops and families worldwide. From Memorial Day through Labor Day, HMSHost and Coca-Cola will donate $0.05 from every purchase of a 32 oz. Coke fountain soft drink at select travel plazas nationwide.

The Oakmont Travel Plaza scores a hole in one for being part of a new era of quality food and retail service that HMSHost is providing this summer, and is the first of many travel plazas that Pennsylvania travelers have to look forward to (18 total!). Remember that HMSHost makes the journey as enjoyable as the destination – even the hard to beat U.S. Open!

Buy a Coke®, support the troops! Man, this new era of quality food and retail service sure is great.

Ex-Hickory High Principal Sues Jimmy Chitwood

Looks like Diane Gibbons isn’t the only Pennsylvanian who likes to take out aggressions on kids!

Out in Western Pennsylvania, former high school principal Eric W. Trosch is suing a former student who made a fake Myspace profile about him.

The lawsuit alleges that Myspace profiles created in December 2005 while Trosch was principal of Hickory High School humiliated him, damaged his reputation and impacted his earning capability. Nonetheless, Hickory High fought through the hardship and rallied to win the state basketball championship despite only having six players on the team.

Trosch’s attorney said the profiles “went far and beyond what you would see on a bathroom wall in a school.” He continued: “Also, the profile was friends only with those fake porn profiles. Trosch is way more popular than that.”

Principal Sues Former Students Over Fake MySpace Page [6 ABC]

A Chicken In Every Pot, And A Cap In Every Ass

What does a small, Indiana County town of 443 people in Pennsylvania really need to do to make sure it remains viable well into the 21st century? Well, how about making the second amendment mandatory?

Town Councilman Henry Statkowski in Cherry Tree, Pa., in Western Pennsylvania near where Indiana, Cambria and Clearfield counties meet, wants to pass an ordinance urging residents to get a gun and learn how to shoot it to keep down on the crime. It’s modeled after a Greenleaf, Idaho, law — itself modeled after a Kennesaw, Ga., bill from 1982 — passed in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and meant to stop the surge of bands of refugees that sacked random Idaho towns. (Oh, wait, that didn’t happen?)

Statkowski says that, since the household is responsible for defending itself, each household should defend itself in the way Hank Statkowski wants it to. Inquirer writer Kathy Boccella went out to Cherry Tree and did her best person-on-the-street reporting job, interviewing apparently half the population of the sleepy hamlet.

This, really, is only a few of the quotes:

“Why would they need guns here?” asked Joseph Keith, who lives down the road in Stiffler. “They’ll shoot themselves.”

Sara Richards, 81, however, approves of firearms in the house.

“The way this world is, with all the drugs, it’s a fine idea,” Richards said as she waited with her husband at Cherry Tree Family Medicine.

A medical assistant in the office, who identified herself simply as Karen, said she and her husband had discussed getting a gun but decided against it. “He was afraid I’d shoot him,” she said.

But Brad Wholaver, 36, dressed in camouflage for a day of deer hunting, called the proposed ordinance “crazy.”

“Let’s face it, there are some people out there who shouldn’t own a gun. You put a gun in their hands and they’ll shoot just to shoot,” he said.

“People have more guns than flush toilets” now, joked Councilman [Martin] Harbough, who says he is neutral on the ordinance.

Camouflaged hunter? Check. Weird reference to drugs? Check. Calling them “flush toilets,” as if they were a recent introduction to the city? Check. This is the best state ever.

One councilman’s wish: A gun in every home [Inquirer]

Erie Woman Loses Home Run Baby Derby

Things continue to be pretty depressing and wacky out there in Western Pennsylvania. At a preliminary hearing yesterday for Chytoria Graham, a paramedic testified that — after an October domestic violence incident with her boyfriend — Graham told her “I swung him. I swung him like a bat.”

The ‘him’ in question here was her four-month old son. Graham said that during an argument with her boyfriend, 20-year-old Deangelo Troop, she began throwing things at him — and then she allegedly wacked him with the baby, fracturing his skull. (The kid made a full recovery.) After she the put the kid down, Troop returned the favor without a human weapon, punching Graham in the eye. (He’s not facing charges.)

Graham’s lawyer alleges the baby didn’t get a fractured skull from being swung as a weapon, but instead the child was just injured during the domestic dispute.

Anyway, there are some questions regarding the case: When one swings a baby like a bat, are you supposed to choke up on it like a regular baseball bat? Or do you just hold by the feet and wail? And do you let go of your dominant hand on the follow through? If you didn’t, that’d be more like swinging a baby like a golf club, wouldn’t it? So many questions!

Northwestern Pa. Woman Tells Paramedic She Swung Infant ‘Like A Bat’ At Boyfriend [AP/NBC 10]

Leftovers: Best, Philadelphia Will Do

• Apparently, if you sign your email with the sign-off “Best” you are uh, being rude to the person. Me, I like to stick to my normal sign-off: “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” [NYT]

• While a third woman of the four found outside Atlantic City was identified, police are investigating if these homicides are connected to another attack on prostitutes earlier this year. Gee, it’s good that prostitution is illegal and all, because it really works out for everyone involved, doesn’t it? [Inquirer]

• More Western Pennsylvania news: In New Castle, a house explosion injured three. Damn, it’s a mile a minute out there! [AP/Philly.com]

• Quakertown’s council is flooded with complaints that kids are smoking on a street corner that’s been dubbed the “cancer corner.” Minors may be banned from smoking throughout the township. Huzzah. [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• Just in time — well, okay, in advance — of the Franklin Institute’s King Tut exhibit, we learn that the boy king was not bludgeoned to death. Well. That clears that one up. [HealthDayNews/Yahoo!]

On The First Day Of Hunting Season, The Hunter Becomes The Hunted

Yesterday was the first day of hunting season in Pennsylvania, which means schoolchildren all across the state (except for the Philadelphia area) had off to go hunt bucks or whatever. (This is probably how that deer got stuck in the warehouse ended up in there; he was trying to run away from being killed.)

Well, yesterday wasn’t all rainbows and dead deer. It turns out that some people didn’t want to hunt deer themselves and instead robbed a man of his deer.

Yes, three men walked up to Meadville’s Robert Hanna — still on his tree stand after bagging a deer Monday afternoon — when three men with rifles came up to him and attacked him for his deer carcass.

“I’m really, really upset about the whole ordeal,” Hanna said. “(It’s) over a dumb deer. If they wanted it so bad I would have said, ‘Take it.’” Police don’t have any suspects, but my hunch is it’s a bunch of lazy, lazy hunters.

Armed Thieves Steal Deer from Penna. Hunter [KYW 1060]
Earlier today: Wayward Deer Causes Havoc In Western Pa.

Wayward Deer Causes Havoc In Western Pa.

There is a lot going on in Western Pennsylvania nowadays. While they don’t have the excitement of a rising murder rate or a brand new public toilet, it’s not like there’s nothing going on!

For example, a family in Pittsburgh had its nativity scene stolen. And also in our fair neighbor to the west, a doggy jumped off a bridge and survived.

And then there’s the tale of the deer who couldn’t get out of the warehouse.

Note: This video apparently also features a cameo from Phillies relief pitcher Rick White.

Nativity Scene Stolen While Couple Decorates [WTAE-TV]
Dog Leaps Off Bridge, Lives [WTAE=TV]
Exclusive Video: Deer Runs Through Warehouse [WTAE-TV]

This Is The Best Way To Handle A Scandle

That’s Tim Murphy, U.S. Congressman from Western Pennsylvania, south of Pittsburgh. That’s also Andy Sheehan — no relation to Cindy — approaching him with documents concerning the ethics flap the congressman is currently facing.

You know, if Curt Weldon totally should have tried this.

Congressman Tim Murphy Getting Touchy [YouTube via Wonkette]
Congressman facing ethics flap [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]