Giant Accountant, Uncle Sam Terrorize West Philadelphia With Giant Money

Man, how did everybody but the Weekly Press miss this Godzilla-like catastrophe the other day?

Bonus thought: What’s more terrifying, these giant monsters or the Quinto mascots?

IRS kicks-off relocation project at former 30th St. Post Office [Center City Weekly Press]

The New South Street Bridge, 13 Years In The Making

Hallelujah! Mayor Nutter held a press conference today to announce the South Street Bridge is finally coming down in December!

In true Philadelphia fashion, an exact date hasn’t been released yet. But here’s the best part of the mayor’s release:

The design phase for the new bridge began in 1995.

Good to see they got right on fixing it. It’ll take about 24 months to complete the bridge, and the city has a whole webpage full of detour maps and other .pdf files. Let’s hope they figure out a day in December to close the bridge sometime soon.

Why Hasn’t Michael Nutter Re-Funded The Bear Patrol Yet?

Without a bear patrol, we cannot stop these constant bear attacks that lead to nonsensical leads:

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s a bear in Philadelphia?

Two witnesses reported seeing a bear a wandering the streets of West Philadelphia late Monday night.

Authorities said police officers responding to the reports discovered large animal tracks near Bryn Mawr and Parkside Avenue in Fairmount Park.

Oh, the bear was probably just trying to enjoy some shopping on the 52nd Street corridor.

Bear Sighting in West Philadelphia? [CBS 3]

‘UC Review’ Prints Hilarious Anti-Gentrification Missive

In line with such other freedom fighters such as Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, one “Name withheld” calls the troops to action.

I remember a time not that long ago when it seemed like there was conversation going on in West Philly about gentrification and how to organize against what was about to happen. Then, people seemed to stop being engaged, maybe they got busy or something. Well, while you were having fun and going to dance parties, guess what happened?

THERES A BREW PUB at 50th and Baltimore, and a YOGA STUDIO and a COFFEE SHOP. HELLO.

Now I am not one to argue that everything is black and white and that those things plus a bunch of white folks moving into a neighborhood simply equals gentrification, but in this case, it is really hard to see the situation as anything else.

I suppose partly because nobody seems to give a s�t and ya’ll are going on with your hipster lifestyles. I mean Christ, the brew pub is open and nobody broke the f�ing windows yet. It was bad enough when Trader Joes got a compactor and nobody sabotaged it. IS THIS WEST PHILLY OR WHAT? Aren’t ya’ll supposed to be anarchists or something? If s�t gets to a certain point, should you need to take direct action if you failed to engage in the process that could have stopped it?

A bunch of you are white homeowners, you could have been at the neighborhood meetings. You could have stopped that s�t. And what’s with letting these snot-nosed hipster fu..s move into the neighborhood so they can look cool? Are you really just going to accept this manifest destiny bullshit or are you going to take responsibility for where you live and for what you have helped happen. Silence equals consent remember?

I’ll be honest: This is so well done, I can’t tell if it’s a parody or not, though I’m leaning toward it. Either way, good show.

Open Letter To West Philly From A Concerned Relation [UC Review, line breaks supplied by Philadelphia Will Do]

W. Philly High Getting Lots Of Practice With New Policy

After a teacher was assaulted outside the school on Friday, West Philadelphia HS began a zero tolerance policy as well as new evacuation procedures. (Before, I guess, attacking teachers was worth a slap on the wrist.) The policy meant, uh, zero tolerance for foolin’ around.

Well, they had a pretty easy job of testing it.

West Philadelphia High students were evacuated Monday after two small fires were intentionally set inside the school. These incidents were the latest in a string of violent acts involving students on campus.

Lt. John Walker of Southwest Detectives said students were evacuated at about 11 a.m. while firefighters extinguished a fire in a second floor locker. Students reentered the building and moments later were re-evacuated when a second fire was set inside another locker on the second floor.

“Both fire have been ruled incendiary and the fire marshal is here with us and the police department’s conducting the investigating as to who’s going to be responsible for starting these fires,” Walker said.

Expect about two or three more fires by the end of the day.

West Philadelphia High Violence Continues [CBS 3]

Keystone Cops: School Daze

Keystone Cops is a roundup of law enforcement/crime/public safety news that runs occasionally, since yesterday, on Philadelphia Will Do.

• It’s apparently weird-shit-happening-at-school-week, as a Burlington County teacher had her class quarantined this morning after having an allergic reaction to a white powder. Everything’s okay — well, the teacher is in the hospital — while a bomb scare at a Chester County (?) school turned out to be shoes. Of course. [Inquirer]

• While still facing charges, a woman in Ewing is being treated at the psychiatric hospital after allegedly trying to kill her father by burning down the house. She also believes that “she’s pregnant with God’s baby and is the devil, prosecutors said yesterday,” so treatment seems to be the good idea here. [The Trentonian]

• An 18-year-old in North Philly was shot outside an elementary school. Presumably not one he’s currently attending. [NBC 10]

• And, hey, the alleged screwdriver attacker from West Philly is in custody! Hooray! [6 ABC]

Leftovers: Donté For Silly Walk Minister!

• Be sure to check out the Inquirer’s Eagles photo gallery, which includes some nice shots — including this photo of Donté Stallworth auditioning for the position of Minister of the Silly Walks after he scored yesterday. [Inky]

• Hot damn! Fourteen casino protesters showed they were worth their salt by going up and being arrested today in Harrisburg. Making it even better, they were attempting to execute “a citizen’s search warrant” on the Gaming Commission, asking for casino planning documents. Hurrah, hurrah, protesters, without you life wouldn’t be quite as fun. [Inquirer]

• Strikes, the bowling alley in West Philly, was robbed this morning of over $12,000 at around 10 a.m., after a man tied up three employees and took four overnight deposit bags. Police are happy, though, because had he picked up a few spares he would have gotten away with a lot more. [AP/CBS 3]

• Patrick Murphy in new documentary: “So listen up, don’t take no sedative, my name’s Murph and I’m running for representative.” I love him even more now, I think. [Bucks County Courier Times]

Black-On-Black Crime Faces Tough New Go-Getter

Lead from the Daily Pennsylvanian today:

Reports of aggravated assault on and around campus are way up from last year, and safety officials blame student-to-student violence.

Who knew. The only thing Penn kids have to fear is themselves! If only Donovan McNabb was still in college, he could compare his wideout asking for the ball to “student-on-student crime.”

Assaults in ‘06 up sharply from ‘05 [Daily Pennsylvanian]

Vote For Lynn Swann, The Pretty Candidate

Let’s delve into John Baer’s Daily News column about how Lynn Swann is taking it to the streets of every part of Pennsylvania in hopes of winning the governorship.

Baer’s column makes sure to point out all the wackiness that always seems to happen when a political candidate steps into any sort of uncontrolled situation. Unfortunately, Baer doesn’t report on any wackiness in Bucks County, but there are several choice moments chronicled when Swann steps out around 52nd and Market (we can only assume he picked up a bootleg Phillies hat while he was out there):

A vocal local rants as the bus slides curbside on 52nd on a steamy weekday morning. He snarls, waves his arms. But Swann aides give him a pamphlet, a pin and a T-shirt, and he ends up leading cheers: “I’ll sucker-punch you if you don’t vote for Lynn Swann!”

Swann’s deputy campaign manager, Randy Robinson, beams: “It’s a T-shirt conversion! We’re going after them one T-shirt at a time.”

Folks stop to meet Swann, many happy to do so. He’s his dapper self in a loose-fitting, soft-collared sport shirt, well-tailored dress slacks. And he’s good at this. A woman outside the West Philly Y says, “At least we’d have a good-looking governor.”

This sounds about right, and Swann — like Ed Rendell, in many ways, actually — is incredibly polished and even when he doesn’t give you a straight answer you sometimes feel like he actually answered the question. (This is probably the best quality a politician can have.)

Not everyone in West Philly was happy with Swann’s stop on 52nd Street. Some people felt, well, he needed to take that shit back to Pittsburgh:

It’s not unanimous. A dour-faced young man mumbles, “Lynn Swann, eh? You need to take that s— back to Pittsburgh.” And Cecilia Elliot, a cashier and mother of three, questions politician visits during election seasons: “What they come here for now? Let me go up to my black brothers and sisters? He’s been black!”

Clearly, Ms. Eliot needs a Lynn Swann t-shirt.

John Baer | Swann on offense in Ed’s territory [Daily News]