John Bolaris To Make Triumphant Return

Dan Gross reports some of the happiest, greatest news in the history of this city today, perhaps rivaling the independence of this nation itself: John Bolaris might be returning to Philadelphia.

Bolaris was last seen in the Philadelphia news when, in 2001, he famously predicted 70 inches of snow or something and we only got a half inch. (This is “Bolaris’ Last Stand.”) He then fled to New York because of 9/11 — I don’t know, either — and currently works at WCBS in the Big Apple, although he reportedly didn’t renew his contract after being shifted to the weekends. He reportedly wants to return to Philadelphia because there are actual celebrities in NYC, whereas in Philadelphia he can monopolize the gossip pages.

Gross reports there are casual, discreet talks going on with CBS 3, NBC 10 and Fox 29. (Oh no! Who will cast doubt on global warming if David Aldrich isn’t around?) Bolaris will make much, much more than you or I will ever make for reading the weather once he returns to Philly.

Dan Gross | Forecast calls for a chance of Bolaris blowing back into town [Daily News]

The Heat Is On And Other Stupid Headlines

It’s officially too hot to do anything.

Weather [Philly.com]

Sharks Vunerable To Excessive Heat

Since the infamous Tommy the Loan Shark-turned-Frank Keel press conference, there hasn’t been much of Tommy seen around the city.

Where has he been? Was Frank Keel really correct, and he’s a Pagan motorcycle gang member from South Jersey? Did he die? Did Tom Knox capture him?

Gar Joseph has all the answers.

The Shark does not speak, but his bullhorn-equipped sidekick, Jim Nixon, does. Nixon denied Keel’s accusations and called him a thug for John Dougherty, head of Local 98 of the electricians union, who’s leaning toward Knox.

Nixon claims to be a humble grad student who dogs Knox on his own, for free.

Keel is pretty scary, but we don’t think he’d scare a shark. So we called Nixon. Tommy the Loan Shark hasn’t been around “because he’s been busy with final exams,” Nixon said.

Hmm. Maybe the Pagan motorcycle gang takes classes at CCP or something. But there’s another reason, too. Nixon says it’s gotten hot enough that wearing the shark costume is pretty much impossible for whoever’s inside it. So there you have it: Tommy the Loan Shark is nowhere near as tough as the Phillie Phanatic.

Also in his article, Joseph writes about how John Street encouraged people to commit fraud, but whatever.

A shark or a minnow? [Daily News, 3rd item]

Weekend Weather Guy Not Convinced Of Something

David Aldrich, the guy who does the weather on the weekend on Fox 29, is not convinced of global warming and he wants you to know the truth (or, rather, “expose you to the multiple sides of this argument”):

I am a global warming skeptic. This does not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. If you have had doubts, you have come to the right place.

After the 13th COLDEST February in Philadelphia and the coldest since 1979, many are scratching their heads on what to believe when it comes to global warming.

We are also off to an “extremely cold” April as well with one of the coldest Easters in recent memory.

Hey, buddy, I must have missed the part where you’re a climatologist and not a meteorologist. We don’t have Dorothy Krysiuk report on the fuel efficiency of the Hummer vs. the Prius, she just tells us the traffic. We don’t have Jennaphr Frederick report on the history of the mascot, she just dances with ‘em. Do you see me reporting on the history of the migration of the Sherpa? No, I just make bad jokes instead.

Just read the weather, sheep. Baa! Milton Street sure is goofy!

Global Warming Skeptic [MyFoxPhilly]

OMG It Might Be 80 Degrees Today!

Spring started last week. It appears summer is beginning today.

The local weather wags are predicting temperatures up to and including 80 degrees today, the first time we would hit 80 since back in October. (We didn’t even hit 80 in January, though it seemed like most of the month temperatures were hovering around 75.)

Anyway, that’s all. It’s a requirement, perhaps even a law, that bloggers have to write about how nice it is on the first really nice day of the year. So I’ve avoided Johnny Law yet again. Ha!

How Warm Will It Go Today? [Phillyweather.net]

Ice Continuing To Extract Revenge On Helpless Public

Although the state didn’t have anything resembling the Valentine’s Day stranding of drivers on the highway, Pennsylvania’s roads are still exacting vengeance against the unsuspecting public:

A chunk of ice sailed off the top of a truck and smashed through the windshield of a car driving near Allentown, breaking a woman’s nose.

Thirty-nine-year-old Whitehall Township resident Michele Schneck says she felt like she was a character in the tornado scene of “The Wizard of Oz.”

Yes, the famous scene in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy broke her nose, but returned to score 45 for Kansas University in a regional final in the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament.

Flying Ice Injures Allentown Driver [AP/CBS 3]
Feb. 16: Rendell: Stranding Hundreds Of Motorists On Highways For 24 Hours Not Official Pennsylvania State Policy

Weather Emergency Preparedness Week Just In Time For The End Of Weather Emergencies

Now that it’s almost spring (!) and the chances for any more significant snowfall continue to dwindle, the state of Pennsylvania is apparently ready to finally correct the problems of the snafu on Interstate 78 last month.

Now, nobody at PennDOT is going to purgatory, at least not yet. No, in Pennsylvania it’s Weather Emergency Preparedness Week, where the state agencies will practice what to do in the case of inclement weather.

One might think that it’d be a better idea to have Weather Emergency Preparedness Week before winter, the weather that causes the state the most problems, but then you obviously haven’t seen the upcoming Sunstroke Prevention Week, October 14-20, 2007.

It’s Weather Emergency Preparedness Week in Pa. [KYW 1060]
Feb. 12: PennDOT To Be Darned To Heck

Forecast From The Heavens

I missed this on the first readthrough, but apparently Jesus’ message wasn’t just that of tolerance and peace, but also of low pressure systems and freezing rain:

Christ said that overnight the region could get 2 to 4 inches of snow from the eastbound storm - 3 to 5 if it combined with a storm moving north off the coast from the Carolinas.

As you can see from the photo, in addition to a freezing rain headed our way, Jesus has also made an incredibly good call — phew! — by rejecting the Devil’s calls to worship him in exchange for all the kingdoms of the world. Although, ah, judging by the leaders we have now, one with a message of tolerance, love and peace might be kind of a nice break.

Winter, Round Two [Inquirer]
Temptation of Jesus [Wikipedia]

PennDOT To Be Darned To Heck

The state is set to begin hearings tomorrow on the snafu that led to hundreds of motorists being stranded for hours and hours on Interstate 78 in Pennsylvania. The state is ready to say “whoops!” and move on, but they’ve also set up an email address (stormresponse AT pasen DOT gov) for people to complain.

John Baer notes in his column today that the complaints are already rolling in, including this one from a couple in their seventies:

A husband and wife in their 70s were stuck in their car in a snow bank for six hours off Interstate 84 despite calls to 911 and PennDOT. They hope “there is a special place in purgatory for PennDOT officials.”

A special place in purgatory? (Perhaps it’s the spirit of Ash Wednesday.) You know, I like this new kinder, gentler brand of complaining. Nobody’s going to hell; they’re just going to purgatory for a while. So, you know, even though this married couple was stranded for six hours in a snow bank, they still believe PennDOT officials can achieve salvation. That’s nice.

John Baer | Will hearings on I-78 backup provide answers to the outraged victims? [Daily News]

Now All That’s Left Is Millions Of Dollars Of Our Money To Study How We Fucked Up And How We’ll Fuck Up Again

On Saturday — come on, I’m still catching up — Interstates 78, 80 and 81 were finally reopened after roughly three days of being closed due to a deadly 7-inch snowfall.

As you may remember, some motorists were stranded for up to 24 hours on the Interstate due do major screwups from pretty much everyone involved. The governor did take full responsibility, so, y’know, that’s something you don’t really get from the federal government at least. Rendell has vowed an investigation — to be funded by taxpayer dollars, of course.

And, yeah, there was a lot of snow and ice and it was kind of a weird storm. But, as the Inquirer’s Paul Nussbaum reported yesterday, other states tend to do a better job than Pennsylvania and don’t strand motorists for a full day on the road.

How do they do it? The subhead kind of sums it up: “They plan far ahead and act preemptively.”

Oh! That’s what we gotta do!

Crews unclog Penna. arteries [Inquirer]
How other states avoid highway woe [Inquirer]
[Photo via Interstate-Guide.com]