Princeton Virgin Beats Himself Up, Breaks Law

Of all the annoying complaints, #1 on the list has to be a rich white dude complaining about discrimination. It used to be the only white people who could legitimately complain they were being seriously discriminated against were suburban skateboarders, but now that John Street gave money to build the John Street Memorial Skate Park (actually, Franklin’s Paine, which I guess sounds better than Rizzo’s Goode), who knows anymore. But, yeah, white dudes complaining about stuff is pretty much “the Internet,” which explains a lot.

But, anyway, sometimes people complaining will go to great lengths to prove they actually are under attack. Case in point? Princeton University junior Francisco Nava, who faked an attack on himself and reported it to the police. Nava claimed the attack took place because of his conservative views. He even sent threatening emails to himself, fellow students and a professor to give his fake attack some merit!

Nava, you see, is part of the Anscombe Society, a campus group that opposes premarital sex. (It is the most popular group on Princeton’s campus.) The group has pow wows where they fantasize about small government and moving to gay-free countries like Iran, but nobody really pays much attention to them because they’re against premarital sex.

Anscombe president Kevin Staley-Joyce, though, shed some light on the situation after a meeting of the club’s virgin members to the Princeton school paper.

“He wanted something big and showy as opposed to the approach that we set out in our mission statement,” Staley-Joyce said. The statement describes Anscombe’s goals as providing “social support and a voice” for students committed to its ideals and “intellectual engagement” on campus.

Once again, a sub-par mission statement has caused more problems than it’s solved.