Gambling, The Way We Want You To

Late last week, Vice cops busted up an illegal video poker stash in a store that was simply called Variety Store. “It’s a quality-of-life issue, and obviously was a nuisance to people in the community,” said Chief Inspector William Blackburn, who is quickly being the go-to-guy for awesome news quotes. (”This product in itself glorifies the drug trade in the city of Philadelphia,” he said of a breath mint.)

From who else but Drew Carey comes another story, asking why veterans can’t play poker in the VFW but states can run lotteries, which are almost a sure bet for the house to win. (During the Dallas’ cops raid, some woman wet her pants, the report says.)

Carey, who also is totally for medical marijuana (AK-47, I bet).

The situations aren’t really the same, of course: Cops heard underage gambling was going on at good ol’ Variety Store, while the other dudes were veterans. Anyway, the state still has Gus, the second-most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania to sell lottery tickets so there’s not much anybody can do about their gambling stranglehold.

Authorities Keep Gambling In Safe Hands Of Multinational Corporations And Indian Tribes

If you like losing your money like I do, you’ve no doubt wandered into a bar sometime and wondered, “Well, why can’t I gamble here? It’s a much more efficient way to lose your money than buying drinks for a girl who isn’t going to go home with me anyway!” Unfortunately for us, the law prohibits gambling except in cases where already rich people can make even more money from it.

Fortunately, though, a group of not quite as rich men in Montgomery County figured out they should be able to deliver what the public wants; the authorities quickly moved in to shut down the public’s fun. KYW 1060 reports a video poker ring was busted in Montgomery County. On the criminal scale of one to Al Capone, “video poker ring” weighs in somewhere around -15.

Sources say prosecutors executed search warrants at more than a dozen bars including one owned by a prominent elected official in Montgomery County. Sources say the major player is Connelly Vending which owns the machines and at least one arrest is expected and nearly two million dollars in cash was seized along with several machines.

The offenders will be quickly taken away from their families and thrown in jail along with the million other non-violent criminals and Steve Wynn will be safe to buy another 30 private jets. Ain’t America grand?

Sources: Illegal Video Poker Ring Busted in Montco [KYW 1060]