Via Wonkette comes this video game promo I’m probably way late on (it seems about a year old) but whatever: Check it out! It’s for a game called ZooRace, which is one of those crappy shovelware video games — only it’s a crappy Christian shovelware video game, which means it’s 10 times better.
Want a plot synopsis? As best as I can tell, it’s this: After the flood, Noah lets his animals out to have races announced by God, in which they are also shot out of cannons and attached to missiles. Do you not want this game yet? I have no idea why you wouldn’t be sold.
Now comes a game where you fight the Philly Tax Monster, which has such memorable quotes as “I hit you with High Taxes” and “Say bye to jobs and neighbors.” Oh, it’s like Final Fantasy VII the dialog is so well-done.
“The Electronic Arts game, Fight Night: Round 2 for the Nintendo GameCube identifies this character as ‘Little Mac’, but his appearance and naming in Fight Night is not considered canonical due to the third-party nature of the product. [I didn't know Punch-Out!! had a canon. —dmac]
Doc also utilizes his almost magical healing powers brought about by pushing ’select’ one time per fight. [I already knew this, of course.—dmac]
“However [Von] Kaiser can still attack with his flurry of left and right uppercuts, but with any skill at all his celebration will be short lived.”
There’s a new video game coming out that features legends from football’s past. The game was made because there’s a big market for pro football’s past, as everyone loves to remember history and respect elders.
Ha ha, of course not. It was made because EA Sports has an exclusive NFL license for Madden, and so another company wanted to make a football game. At least one Eagle of yore is in the game, although I think he has a little trouble figuring out exactly how a video game works:
Of the 300-some players 2K Sports targeted, 241 ended up in the game. Among the ones who got away, Jackson wanted too much money. Lawrence Taylor already had a deal with another publisher. Then-Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann declined — no joke — on the recommendation of his political advisors.
By contrast, Chuck Bednarik said yes. But only after the game maker cleared a few things up for the man who nearly ended Frank Gifford’s career.
“We were on the phone, and I actually had to explain that he would not physically be in the television set,” recalls Sandra Tabata, who works at IMG World, the agency 2K Sports used to locate former players. “The younger guys are familiar with it, but some of the older guys, they didn’t even know what video game technology was.”
If anything, this only increases the legend of Concrete Charlie. I mean, he clearly was born in approximately 1862, so it’s pretty amazing he led the Eagles to the 1960 NFL Championship.
Speaking of John Street, there’s a nice little screw you to him in the upcoming Tony Hawk’s Proving Ground, the 79th (I think) installment in the skateboarding video game series. And by “a nice little screw you,” I mean “a completely rendered version of the new LOVE Park that can be skateboarded on.”
See, suburban white kids? You can have you revenge on John Street after all. Well, you know, kinda. Hey, if you can’t do it in real life, then do it in a video game. I guess that works for Grand Theft Auto, too.
Yeah, this game by Space 1026’s John Freeborn is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I’m seriously thinking of hooking up my old Intellivision controller so I can play this game in all its glory. But, y’know, Nintendo Wii calls, too.
Word is that a banana truck has crashed, possibly spilling its bananas, at the intersection of I-95 and I-476 — really — injuring several Super Mario Kart racers. More TK.
Pocketbike Racer will feature a number of Burger King mascots, including the King, the Subservient Chicken, the Whopper Jr., and former host of E!’s Wild On series, Brooke Burke.
Please note that there are three Burger King Xbox games, including Sneak King, a Grand Theft Auto-style game where you play as The King and sneak up on people to give them whoppers. All three went on sale Sunday.
Sometimes humanity makes you just sit up and smile.
Sony fanboys are already in line for the Playstation 3, which comes out tomorrow, and presumably there are already a different set of Nintendo fanboys beginning to line up for the Wii, which hits Sunday. Inquirer video games writer (uh, yes, the jealousy in pretty thick here) Rob Watson chronicles some of the hype in today’s paper, including this interview with a mom who was looking to pick up a PS3 but found the outside line already too daunting.
“Look at this line. These are all mostly guys and they look serious,” [she] said. “Maybe if it was all women, I might stand a chance, buy them a drink or something.”
Uhh, I think your “buy them a drink” strategy would work a little better on the men. Or is she saying all female video gamers are lesbians?
Today, Inquirer video games reporter Rob Watson covers DigitalLife, the Ziff Davis personal electronics and video game showcase.
One of the perks? He got to play Playstation 3 before it comes out, including the new game Resistance, which is the must-get launch title for hte console. Here’s how Doug Beauchamp, 21, of Hoboken, N.J., described the game to Watson:
“While I think they [Sony] have made a lot of mistakes, Sony still has this game,” said Beauchamp, pointing to the screen with Resistance. “I mean, just look at it. Fighting aliens with World War II weapons never looked this good. This is what I came down here for.”
Yeah. Those old games where you controlled World War II soldiers against aliens had shit graphics.
