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Phillies Fans Too Excited To Properly Flip A Car

Gee, guys, that’s a good try, but is that really World Series effort?

We’ll be celebrating vandalism here on Philadelphia Will Do all day, apparently.

[via Walkoff Walk]

Vandalism Running Wild Locally

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A few incidents of recent vandalism are sure to have people angrily writing on messageboards and blogs. Let’s go over the recent attacks on inanimate objects and how they show the downfall of America, or something.

The vandalized item: Daniel Faulkner’s memorial plaque at 13th and Locust. The time: Sometime between Saturday night and 10 a.m. Sunday. The damage: “Fuck him” written across the late officer Faulkner’s plaque. The culprit: Uh, Free Mumia people were in town over the weekend, so them. Or could it be a set-up attempting to demonize the innocent (but annoying) protesters? Yeah, I’vealready thought about this too much. The likelihood alcohol was involved: 100%.

The vandalized item: About two dozen flags, part of a display of over 4,000, one for each solider killed in Iraq. The time: Sometime overnight. The damage: Two dozen broken flags, duh. The likely culprit: Unclear, but probably the Mumia people, or some right-wing warmongers. There’s also a chance it was a hard-up flag manufacturer. The likelihood alcohol was involved: 100%.

The vandalized item: Mets fans’ dignity, as at least two fans of the New York National League club were arrested. The time: Saturday’s Phillies-Mets game. The damage: I’d say “clean arrest records,” but who knows if that’s true. Let’s say the price of a ticket and bail. The likely culprit: The Mets fans themselves, of course. Phillies fans are veritable saints. The likelihood alcohol was involved: 100%.

Wow, annoying people vandalizing heartfelt displays. Uhm, shocking.

Pellet-Packing Punks Probed

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Pellet-packing punks! That’s the newest scourge in West Chester, according to Action News and its annoying seizure-inducing website. People are so mad about said “pellet-packing punks” (who are apparently white aka moon tigers) Action News‘ David Henry says the damage has gotten “has gotten way beyond ridiculous.”

Vandals in West Chester have broken the windows over 100 cars with pellet guns, causing $40,000 worth of damage. Things are so bad even the glass replacement people are unhappy! Apparently dealing with “angry customers” outweighs huge amounts of profit.

It’s okay, though, the cops have a few leads and will soon find and execute the punks. And if they don’t Henry notes it’s okay, too: “It’s gotten to the point where the vandals better hope the police catch them before someone else does.” Ahh, I see West Chester is a lot like Upper Darby.

Hunt continues for pellet packing punks [6 ABC]

Demons! Well, Okay, Not Demons

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Ahh, remember how the all the local media reports on the church vandalism in Bucks County were about how a pair of “demons” showed up at a church. The police wouldn’t even report the demons’ names so as not to taint the investigation.

Anyway, it looks like it was just a bunch of stupid kids! Everyone already knew this anyway, but it’s more fun to write about demons and devils and whatever other shit was printed.

Four kids from Falls were arrested for allegedly vandalizing Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church earlier this month. There was also graffiti all over the area, but, you know, demons. Oh, and when one of the kids parents apologized the church was all like “OMGWTFHOWDAREYOU!!”

“He’s not a demon. He’s not a monster. This was not a hate crime,” Klein said. “He’s a smart kid who made a stupid mistake.” Klein said the vandalism had nothing to do with religion. He said Stetson’s parents are “mortified” but standing behind their son.

“Harry has never even tagged [done graffiti] before,” Klein said. “He bowed to peer pressure that night. He’s very sorry and willing to scrub it off if the church will let him.” It’s too late for that, said Kay McFarland, a spokeswoman for the parish.

“We took care of that already. We’re not going to let that kind of hatred and dirt stay on our statues. Come on, we weren’t going to leave that on our church,” she said.

Let’s just throw these stupid kids in jail for 30 years so they can be in prison with the rest of us. DEMONS!

Teens charged with church vandalism [Bucks County Courier Times]

Possible Demon Arrested, Charged

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There is now more information on the area’s demon infestation; authorities in Bucks County revealed more info over the weekend about one of the possible demon vandals. Sandralee Banks-Kastrup, 40, was arrested Thursday night was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation.

The Bucks County Courier Times was nice enough to print all the weird shit she said:

Inside the court on Trenton Road in Middletown, Banks-Kastrup questioned why officers weren’t arresting other people in the court lobby for “killing Brittany.” She told three retail theft suspects who were in handcuffs on a nearby bench that she was God and her daughter was the mother of Jesus Christ.

She repeatedly asked police to take off her handcuffs, but was told that rules of procedure require suspects to be handcuffed during arraignment. “I don’t care about your rules; I made the rules,” she responded curtly.

More »

Elmer’s Glue Vandalizes NE Philly Churches

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Up in Northeast Philly, a bunch of churches were vandalized by somebody (probably punk kid atheists) putting glue on the locks.

Somebody went up and down Tyson Avenue in Tacony/Mayfair, gluing the locks and breaking keys off in the doors of eight churches. How many churches are there in this town? I feel like there’s one for every resident. Anyway, guess who apparently got left alone: Catholic churches. Yeah, somebody managed to vandalize eight churches in Mayfair and not hit one Catholic church. That has to be intentional.

Here’s the head of the Tacony Baptist Church: “It’s really comical. They keyed that door and instead of jumping up and down smoking, I just thank God, because the devil is trying to tell us we are doing something right for the Lord.”

Hey, turning the other cheek? I thought Christians weren’t in to that anymore. Anyway, the best part of this story is definitely the graphic KYW 1060 came up with. Did they really use Elmer’s glue? Or am I just supposed to work a Barbaro joke in here?

Vandals Keep Phila. Worshippers Stuck in the Cold [KYW 1060]
Oct. 29: Graffiti Vandalizes School [6 ABC]

Vandalism Of The Moment

Apropos of nothing, but check out Air Bud’s Wikipedia page:

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Come on: You know you’d see this movie, too.

Air Bud [Wikipedia]

Police Appeal To Robber’s Economic Senses

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This one isn’t so much the crime as the description. From 6 ABC:

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Detectives in New Jersey are trying to track down a coin bandit who has caused several thousands of dollars in damage all to nab some change.

Police say the man has struck several times, hitting businesses along the Black Horse Pike in Egg Harbor Township. They say he busts coin-operated machines open, usually between 1 a.m. and 4:30 a.m.

“Unfortunately he’s getting a little bit of cash but causing a lot of damage,” said Marc Romantino of the Egg Harbor Township Police Department.

Officials say he’s getting less than $100 in each of the robberies, but is causing damage to the machines that is in the neighborhood of $2,000 per machine. “He’s working pretty hard for a little bit of cash,” Romantino said.

Wait, why exactly is the police officer appealing to his sense of… what, poor cost-benefit analysis for taking so much time opening machines? Civic duty that he’s vandalizing more than he gets in cash? Maybe the man is a taxpayer in Egg Harbor Township, and he knows that his crimes could end up raising his taxes due to the city’s soda machine repair budget being stretched to the limit. Yeah, that’s it. Okay, I get it now.

Destructive Bandit On The Run [6 ABC]

If Your Car Isn’t Vandalized By Stupid Kids, The Philadelphia Police Department Will Do It For You

And this, my friends, is why I love this city.

Philly cops vandalizing a Philly cop car [YouTube]
Cops’ prank on the ‘Net [Daily News]

Leftovers: Hey There, Blimpy Boy

• The feds arrested 115 illegal immigrants over the past five days in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Holy Geno’s, Batman! [AP/6 ABC]

• The blimp flight that was the dream of seniors went off yesterday, although high winds grounded at least one person’s turn on the blimp. (They went one at a time, it seems.) Alas. [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• NB to vandals: The police have access to your Myspace bragging, too. [Inquirer]

• The space shuttle Atlantis is cleared for landing! Chris Ferguson can come back to Earth and prep for a parade down Woodhaven Road. [AP/Phillyburbs.com]