Giant Accountant, Uncle Sam Terrorize West Philadelphia With Giant Money

Man, how did everybody but the Weekly Press miss this Godzilla-like catastrophe the other day?

Bonus thought: What’s more terrifying, these giant monsters or the Quinto mascots?

IRS kicks-off relocation project at former 30th St. Post Office [Center City Weekly Press]

The New South Street Bridge, 13 Years In The Making

Hallelujah! Mayor Nutter held a press conference today to announce the South Street Bridge is finally coming down in December!

In true Philadelphia fashion, an exact date hasn’t been released yet. But here’s the best part of the mayor’s release:

The design phase for the new bridge began in 1995.

Good to see they got right on fixing it. It’ll take about 24 months to complete the bridge, and the city has a whole webpage full of detour maps and other .pdf files. Let’s hope they figure out a day in December to close the bridge sometime soon.

A Marketing ‘Eureka!’ Moment

The above “212-degree service: the extra degree” comes from the University City Sheraton’s webpage. This gave me a totally superb idea, though: A manuscript-editing service — perhaps for bloggers who want to write books! — where I promise to give your work the 451-degree treatment.

Thanks, Caitlin.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

The FBI — they investigate all bank robberies — has released the photograph of The Cross-Dressing Bandit who robbed Commerce Bank in West Philly.

We can only hope he will go on a slew of crimes and become the newest media meme to travel through the local press. The Cross-Dressing Bandit apparently takes his cues from Barry Bonds, and also carried a purse/man bag in order to really sell the robbery. But what if this is just a really ugly woman and not a dude in drag?

Man dressed as woman robs bank [6 ABC]

Commerce Bank Finally Robbed Again

The Penn branch of Commerce Bank (at 38th and Walnut streets) was robbed yesterday by a man with a blonde wig dressed as a woman.

Phew, I say. It had apparently hadn’t been robbed since 2004; the branch was robbed eight times between 1996 and 2004. (It was also robbed twice in one week in April of ‘03.) No word on what led to the four-year drought of robberies at Commerce Bank, but, finally, the fabled Curse of the No Bank Robberies On Penn’s Campus is over.

News Brief: Commerce Bank on campus robbed [DP]
Busy Commerce Bank a robbery target [DP]

‘UC Review’ Prints Hilarious Anti-Gentrification Missive

In line with such other freedom fighters such as Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, one “Name withheld” calls the troops to action.

I remember a time not that long ago when it seemed like there was conversation going on in West Philly about gentrification and how to organize against what was about to happen. Then, people seemed to stop being engaged, maybe they got busy or something. Well, while you were having fun and going to dance parties, guess what happened?

THERES A BREW PUB at 50th and Baltimore, and a YOGA STUDIO and a COFFEE SHOP. HELLO.

Now I am not one to argue that everything is black and white and that those things plus a bunch of white folks moving into a neighborhood simply equals gentrification, but in this case, it is really hard to see the situation as anything else.

I suppose partly because nobody seems to give a s�t and ya’ll are going on with your hipster lifestyles. I mean Christ, the brew pub is open and nobody broke the f�ing windows yet. It was bad enough when Trader Joes got a compactor and nobody sabotaged it. IS THIS WEST PHILLY OR WHAT? Aren’t ya’ll supposed to be anarchists or something? If s�t gets to a certain point, should you need to take direct action if you failed to engage in the process that could have stopped it?

A bunch of you are white homeowners, you could have been at the neighborhood meetings. You could have stopped that s�t. And what’s with letting these snot-nosed hipster fu..s move into the neighborhood so they can look cool? Are you really just going to accept this manifest destiny bullshit or are you going to take responsibility for where you live and for what you have helped happen. Silence equals consent remember?

I’ll be honest: This is so well done, I can’t tell if it’s a parody or not, though I’m leaning toward it. Either way, good show.

Open Letter To West Philly From A Concerned Relation [UC Review, line breaks supplied by Philadelphia Will Do]

University City Is Burning

A friend says there was another underground fire in the spring that was better, which can lead us to only one conclusion: Serial Ninja Turtle arsonist. Or Centralia is bigger than we thought.

Underground Fire [YouTube]

Gangs Of Preteens Stealing Money For Pogs

Meanwhile, a bunch of Penn kids have been robbed by nine year olds. This happens every once in a while; a few years ago a 14-year-old girl mugged a Penn kid with a butter knife or something.

There have apparently been six incidents on and around the Penn campus. There are separate sets of cute little perps, perhaps as many as six. This means there are bands of marauding burglars aged 9 - 13 or so roaming University City, hoping to separate rich kids from their wallets.

I can joke about this because when I went to Penn I never got mugged or anything, but even if I did I’d still probably be making fun of the students being assaulted by a bunch of nine-year-olds.

Penn sends alert alleging crimes by kids as young as 9 [Daily News]

Drexel Tennis Players Go On Campuswide Rampage

Last Sunday, the Drexel men’s tennis team lost a match to Delaware. And what did three members do to celebrate the team’s loss?

Why, they allegedly went on a crime spree!

Cops said the three athletes drank themselves silly Monday night guzzling Miller Lite beer, then used credit cards to jimmy the locks on the front doors of the apartment-style dorms.

They are accused of stealing an Xbox gaming system, jewelry and sporting equipment from various rooms inside University Crossings on 32nd Street near Market in University City.

Drexel’s student newspaper says the students thought they were playing “what they considered [to be] a practical joke,” according to the Philadelphia Police Department. After stealing the booty, the three pranced in front of security cameras, or at least walked under them, leading to their capture.

Drexel’s tennis team is only 6-8, which means the kids will probably go to jail or something.

Three students arrested in U. Crossings [The Triangle]
3 at Drexel charged with burglaries [Inquirer]

Penn Student Saves West Philly From Spies

A Penn law student is a hero after foiling a spy plot in West Philly yesterday by firing 15 shots into the spies’ apartment at 44th and Pine yesterday.

Oh, did I write hero after foiling a spy plot? I meant he was arrested after going off the deep end and accusing two Indian-born bioengineering students from Drexel of being spies and discharging his Glock 15 times into their apartment door.

The 31-year-old second year law student returned to the building after the Drexel students called police, thinking he had done nothing wrong.

The Daily News talked with Arpit Shah, who attends University of the Sciences and lives nearby in his frat house.

“I am used to muggings around here… spies — that is out of left field. Spies in West Philly — that is ridiculous.”

Yeah, that’s what they want you to think.

UPenn Student Opens Fire On Drexel Students [CBS 3]
Student shoots at ’spies’ [Daily News]