NE Times: Jesse Helms, Hero To All Races

Pop quiz: Which Philadelphia newspaper eulogized Jesse Helms positively in its current edition? If you said the Northeast Times, you already knew you were right.

Northeast Philly residents might not want to admit it, but many were probably saddened to hear that Jesse Helms, the former U.S. senator from North Carolina, died on the Fourth of July.

The archconservative senator was long branded a racist by many liberals because he dared to oppose efforts to make Martin Luther King Day a federal holiday, but the truth is, Mr. Helms was no racist. He helped the people of the Tar Heel State regardless of race. He also spoke and voted his heart. If only more politicians would do that, what a wonderful country this might be.

I don’t know about you, but my favorite part is “Northeast Philly residents might not want to admit it.”

They deserve it [Northeast Times]

Phillies To Celebrate Janitors For Jackie Robinson

Jackie Robinson Day at Citizens Bank Park was supposed to be held April 15, the day Robinson broke into the majors with the Brooklyn Dodgers 60 years ago. The game was rained out — perhaps retribution for how the Phillies treated Robinson 60 years ago — and rescheduled for tonight.

And who are the Phillies honoring tonight? Jackie Robinson himself is a little overdone, I suppose, so the who are the Phils to honor? Robinson’s Dodgers teammates? Branch Rickey? A local civil rights leader from the 1940s? Those final five members of the Negro League Philadelphia Stars?

Puh-leeze.

Phillies honor Team Clean at Jackie Robinson Tribute

“One, two, three strikes you’re out!” You may get three strikes in baseball, but in the highly competitive Philadelphia commercial cleaning market, you have one shot to get it right. Donna Allie and Team Clean have done just that and received all-star status from the Philadelphia Phillies. In honor of Jackie Robinson, the Phillies are recognizing select individuals who embody his character as they celebrate the 60th Anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s Debut in the Major Leagues.

Yep. In honor of Jackie Robinson, the Phillies are honoring… their janitors.

Full release after the jump.

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Best. Jump. Ever.

One final word on the Nicetown man whose wife allegedly tore apart his balls Tuesday night with her bare hands. If you didn’t see the jump in the print edition today, here it is, reprinted for your pleasure:

We’d like it if you kept your genitals in your pants, Daily News. Thanks.

A Genital Reminder [Daily News]