Late N.J. Undertaker Deathly Serious

The Lame One-Liner Revue for Tuesday, September 9th, 2008.

Don’t worry! That Undertaker is doing just okay. It’s just a headline! That Associated Press headline at right actually reports an undertaker in New Jersey was involved in a murder-suicide. (That phrasing always sounds ridiculous.)

And now: The details, which will no doubt have you making awful jokes the rest of the afternoon:

Police say he left behind numerous letters explaining why he did it.

Lt. Michael Gaimari says Brooks killed his wife because he was worried how she would fare after he was dead.

Neighbors say the funeral parlor Brooks ran had fallen on hard times and the couple was experiencing financial problems.

Hard times? But people were dyin’ to do business there! Or did the price of bulk caskets, or maybe embalming fluid, go up? Or maybe everyone’s just healthier; maybe the state’s smoking ban proponents can cite this as proof of its effectiveness.

The Press of Atlantic City does its best to quell any rumors:

“We can rule out this was an act of domestic violence,” [Gaimari] said, referring to similar cases across the county - some as recent as last month - in which jilted men killed their girlfriends in acts of passion-fueled aggression. “It looks like he did it because he was worried about her well-being in his absence.”

Good thing the paper noted this trend went “across the county” and wasn’t limited to just a section of Atlantic County, or just to undertakers.

How To Make A Killing In Business

The Inquirer profiled Harry’s Occult Shop in Sunday’s paper, part of the paper’s attempt to reclaim the magic of the paper’s glory days by re-writing the same stories from its glory days. (Bada-bing!)

The Harry’s article (by Julie Stoiber) is actually pretty decent. Here’s what I learned: Apparently, these kinds of shops used to be everywhere. Awesome. One of Harry’s most prominent products is for “court case ritual,” so whenever big lawyers need to win cases, I guess they go there.

The article also contains this awesome quote from Harry’s worker Chac-Mool, regarding the store’s clientèle:

“With politicians, sometimes we have to take the stuff out where they’re parked,” he said. “They don’t want to be seen.”

Awesome. The idea that our politicians are buying white magic materials — instead of something sensible like putting a statue of Mary in their windows to prevent rain — makes me feel that the city’s gun violence problem will be solved any day now.

Of course, our politicians are probably using magic to try to end violence, as opposed to Shane Brown:

Retiree Mary Armour, 62, of North Philadelphia, is among the customers who turn to Harry’s staff of readers, priestesses and advisers. She wanted Double Jinx Remover Bath. Shane Brown, 32, an undertaker with a new business, was looking for something “to get the business to pick up and stay up.”

Are you kidding? People are dying to use Shane Brown’s services. Sorry, sorry.

For hexed or vexed, a store casts its spell [Inquirer]