Internet Proven Useless Once Again

I’m all excited about the end of the Bush Administration, as I’m sure everyone except for comedians are. (Actually, I guess I’m pretty bummed about this, too.) But there is another source of nearly limitless amusement that won’t be leaving us anytime soon: The Internet!

The Internet, too, has the added bonus of not being able to start wars. Or, perhaps, do anything: Barack Obama’s Change.gov, which allowed citizens — actual people, like you and me! — to submit ideas to the president before the new election. As one might have expected, the ideas have been pretty much what people who spend a ton of time on the Internet (i.e., upper middle class kids) care about.

The top vote-getter in the first round of voting was marijuana legalization. Obama responded with a one-sentence reply that he was not in favor of it. Considering before the election Obama couldn’t even really come out against >baggy pants laws, this isn’t much of a surprise¹.

But no matter. Stuck with a ton of questions about things like marijuana legalization, Obama punted and instituted a new round of voting. Later, Change.gov instituted a new feature, the Citizens Briefing Book, which is essentially the same thing has before but features Tom Daschle confirming in a video that yes, indeed, children learn better when they’re healthy.

Anyway, the new list is just like the rest of them, which means I can pull out a hilarious collection of ideas (some awesome, some nonsensical, all of them never to be taken seriously by the president) at “random” from the top 30: Ending marijuana prohibition, “Commit to becoming the ‘Greenest’ country in the world”, ending DEA raids on medical marijuana clinics, bullet trains (which would make it easier to get to places carrying our newly-legal pot), “Revoke the Tax Exempt Status of the Church of Scientology”, “Boost America’s Economy with Legal Onine Poker”, ending the drug war, another marijuana legalization one, “Change.gov: Group similar submissions better” and, of course, “End the Truth Embargo on Extraterrestrials (UFO Disclosure).”

Mr. President – Tell us the Truth about the extraterrestrial presence on this planet and release as much relevant information to the American people as possible within reasonable constraints of national security. It is time for the people of the world to know the truth about the universe they inhabit. [...] Until this “Truth Embargo” is ended there will be no public access to technologies derived from extraterrestrial vehicles in this critical time of mounting economic and environmental challenges.

And there’s this one, which is my favorite:

Fortunately, the online populace is just not that into hanging all white people. Phew! I can rest easy. I think I’ll relax by playing some online poker.

¹ I linked that New York Post story because it had the headline I was looking for; however, Googling Obama baggy pants laws gives a bunch of stories with widely conflicting headlines. Most, though, say Obama denounced baggy pants laws. Yes, Obama said that baggy (sagging? saggy?) pants laws were a waste of time, but spent most of his answer telling black men to dress better. “Brothers should pull up their pants,” Obama said. “Now get off my lawn! And it’s the White House lawn, too, so what the hell, how did you kids even get in here anyway?” He didn’t say those last two sentences. I kind of felt they were implied.

That Google search keeps on giving, too: It also gives us a story from November’s New York Times titled, “Can Obama Help Kill Baggy Pants Look?.

‘Wave’ Of Alien Sightings In Pa.

Forget naked people. The real big story in Bucks County is its many recent UFO sightings!

What started with a single UFO sighting over a Middletown Mexican restaurant Jan. 26 has turned into a science fiction sensation.

Spaceships were spotted over Sesame Place.

Black boomerangs were reported over Citizens Bank Park during the Phillies National League Championship series. [They wanted to see Manny, clearly.--ed.]

An extraterrestrial even was seen recently in the men’s department of the local JCPenney, smiling at our women.

With more than 50 reports from Bucks since January, the Pennsylvania Mutual UFO Network says it now will gather here for its next alien hunter conference Jan. 24 at Bucks County Community College.

How fitting the UFO conference will gather on the most depressing day of the year (well, according to a press release at least).

State MUFON coordinator John Ventre is scheduled to discuss what he calls the”"Pennsylvania UFO Wave.” The list of speakers also includes self-professed local abductees, including history professor David Jacobs of Temple University.

Shit! It’s a veritable wave of UFOs! And kudos to Bucks County Courier Times reporter James McGinnis for playing along (this isn’t the first time):

On June 23, a woman reported seeing an “alien entity” in the JCPenney’s men’s section.

“He was standing by a clothes rack,” the report said. “She described him as being male, no hair, gray skin, almond black eyes with a lumpy heavily wrinkled face.” The alien appeared to be shopping and had a “pleasant smile” for ladies in the store.

Yet the woman told MUFON she decided to leave the scene “because she and her husband were planning to attend a movie.”

(It’s not known which outlet the aliens chose for their shopping spree, though several other sightings were reported near the Oxford Valley Mall.)

It’s good to know the impending alien invasion won’t be that bad; the aliens have the same commitment to savvy shopping as we do, at least.

In unrelated news, the UFO Call Center is tired of getting prank calls.

After UFO sightings, alien hunters to gather here [Bucks County Courier Times]
Thanks, Joe

Also Reported: 100 Percent Of Public Stupid

Bush apparently beats aliens by around 16 points. I can’t believe people are so freaking stupid. Obviously Bush being a good president is much less likely to be true than aliens living on earth.

More people do claim to have seen UFOs than are planning on voting for Dennis Kucinich in the Democratic primary — at least in New Hampshire, the most important of all states — though. Also beating Kucinich? Stephen Colbert.

Presidential Candidates Discuss UFOs

Even though Mike Gravel was banned from last night’s debate — more on this later — there was plenty of wackiness to go around. For example: This question about UFOs! Apparently Shirley MacLaine, the godmother of Dennis Kucinich’s daughter, wrote in her new book Kucinich told her he saw a UFO.

Then Barack Obama refused to have any fun with Tim Russert although everybody laughed at him because he’s good looking and charming. Hooray for democracy!

Pennsylvania Hotbed Of The Paranormal

It isn’t just Bigfoot who’s been spotted in Pennsylvania. Now NASA has agreed to search for files related to a “fireball” that crashed near Kecksburg, Pennsylvania, in 1965.

On Dec. 9 of that year, people in North America saw a fireball cross the sky. It crashed near a town about 30 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, and the Air Force showed up and hauled a Volkswagen-sized object away from the site and told everybody not to worry about it, everything was under control.

As you might have guessed, such secrecy by the government only leads to more conspiracy theories and speculation that it’s aliens or thetans or whatever. NASA complements this nicely by losing all the records related to the crash and claiming it was a Russian satellite, changing the story from years earlier.

NASA will now search for those lost records and tell us that it was actually a cow dropped from a helicopter or something.

NASA Will Re-Open Kecksburg UFO Files [Wired Science]
Kecksburg UFO Incident [Wikipedia]
Yesterday: Bigfoot Enthusiast Says Photo Is Bigfoot

We Come In Peace

The question of intelligent life in outer space has yet to be answered. But, clearly, there’s no intelligence on this planet.