Traffic Makes Obama Cry

Here’s NBC 10’s report on traffic today, and how it is a bitch! They chose to illustrate it with a photo of Barack Obama crying over his dead grandmother, of course.

Traffic is a B*$@#! [NBC 10]
Thanks, RJ

‘Trolley’ Crash Has Predictable Timing

Monday afternoon at around 4:20, a Philadelphia Trolley Works bus (which is not really a trolley) crashed onto the sidewalk at 3rd and Market.

Ahh, yes, the fake trolley — i.e., a bus — injured one person; it apparently had its brakes fail. And, yes, if you will note the time, I’m sure you can figure out that’s not the real reason.

“Trolley” crashes onto sidewalk in Old City [SEPTA Watch]
Myspace-style photo actually from some kid’s Myspace

Bees Swarm New Jersey Turnpike

Over the weekend, the New Jersey Turnpike was covered in beeeeeeees. Yes, a box of bees fell off a truck on the Turnpike in Cherry Hill on Saturday, releasing thousands of bees onto the roadway.

Although the bees hovered around the northbound lanes for a few hours on Saturday, they didn’t cause any traffic accidents or even any slowdown. (A good idea: When accidents cause gaper delays, just release thousands of bees around the area, forcing cars to speed away from the thousands of honeybees flying around.)

“Those poor bees,” said Landi Simone, vice president of the New Jersey Beekeepers Association. “It would be very distressing…it’s conceivable that somebody could get stung, because you’ve got some really confused honeybees there.”

The president could not comment because he had surely been moved to a secure undisclosed location in order to protect him from the thousands upon thousands of bees, too eager to strike back at the man keeping them for so long.

The liberal bee-loving Inquirer decided to take the story a bit differently: “Thousands of bees die when hive falls onto turnpike.” (The story was, naturally, written by Faye Flam.) The bees are being fostered by a local beekeeper; the owner has yet to come forward to get all of his buzzing friends.

Box falls off truck, releasing thousands of bees near Turnpike [The Star-Ledger]
Photo by aussiegall, Creative Commons license

Mayor Nutter Takes On Gaper Delays

So, uh, the mayor helped Dorothy Krysiuk do traffic this morning on Good Day Philadelphia. Apparently the economy is so bad, Mayor Nutter needed to pick up a part-time job, just like how Ed Rendell does Eagles Post Game Live.

Redlasso clip after the jump. (P.S. Somebody get the mayor to dance with mascots next time.)

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Philly.com’s Quest For A Traffic Spike

Ah, yeah, the current Philly.com front is the kind of thing that gets put into museums of pure awesomeness. It was great when I woke up this morning, but since then it’s only gotten about 100 times better. My personal favorite part came when I realized that none of these people pictured are even all that remotely famous, but the new photo arrangement is completely amazing, too.

A friend and reader chimes in: “I think getting Kidd Chris’ thoughts on the whole ordeal puts it over the top. There are just so many layers. It’s getting to the point where I no longer think, ‘Oh, the paper i once loved,’ and instead think ‘Well, this is pretty hilarious.’”

Bravo, Philly.com.

City To Fool Motorists Into Hitting Brakes

Um, so here’s a good idea: Let’s put plastic on the ground that makes it look like there’s something in the street. That way, drivers will swerve and crash into a parked car full of orphans, killing 7 slow down, have a good chuckle and make the roadways a little safer.

That’s the plan of a new program called DriveCare Philly, which attempts to make people slow down with the use of these “high-tech” devices. Take, for instance, Bluegrass Road in the Great Northeast (if you must know, it’s near my parents’ house). The speed limit is 25, and yet people — get this! — drive much faster than 25 down that road.

And these fake 3D bumps and a few other things are going to solve that problem, hallelujah. Then we can move on to the inevitable rear-end crashes these plastic things cause, knowing Philadelphians.

3D Images Part of City’s Effort to Slow Down Drivers [KYW 1060]

Beer Truck Crash Fails To Spill Any Beer

Ha ha, a truck carrying Yuengling crashed on the ramp off I-95 at Woodhaven this morning, tying up traffic and not even spilling any beer on the road. Geeze, what’s the point?

Photo via David Swanson/Inquirer

Carnival Ride Crash!

The Fox 29 news at 5 o’clock reported on this carnival ride crash on the Northeast Extension:

What is that, some kind of Tilt-a-Whirl knockoff? Tea cups? Either way: At least it wasn’t the Gravitron.

I-95 To Be Closed For Several Days

Whoops! There is apparently a cracked support column on I-95, and it’s now closed between the Girard and Aramingo exits in both directions. It could be closed for days.

How big of a deal is this? For some reason Michael Nutter was even on the scene and gave a quote to KYW 1060: “There will be some inconvenience that’s tremendously unfortunate, but public safety is our primary responsibility.” Wait, was closing I-95 his decision?

Anyway, all your friends from Northeast Philly are… well, okay, the people you know in Northeast Philly are going to be stuck in traffic for approximately the next 45 years. I can only assume Richmond Street will collapse under the weight of all the traffic on it in sometime soon as well.

Cracked Support Column Closes 95 [KYW 1060]

Things I Learned From The Radio Today

I wake up to KYW 1060 almost every day. Here’s what I learned waking up today:

• There’s some new Inquirer job section this weekend. (This was an ad.) And part of the ad says the section is “unlike the other guys.” Is there a Brand X job section I don’t know about?
• There’s a big slowdown on the Blue Route because somebody bent a Villanova University sign.

Well, at least nobody will get into accidents while reading the job section in the car, since that exciting bent sign will keep things under 30 mph.