Michael Nutter Destroys City Hall In Monty Pythonesque Fashion, Prevents Hurricane Schwartz From Securing No-Bid Contract

I really can’t say how much I love this ad. Not only does it have Philly’s inspector general personally creeping up on corrupt employees in the middle of the night, it also reveals no-bid contracts are apparently given out in shady elevator deals. Oh, and, yes, it features the destruction of City Hall by either God or a giant, leading to the deaths of lots of people who apparently work in the building’s tower for some reason.

Oh, and it does pack a lot of information into 30 seconds, but whatever, who cares about that.

More awesome ads after the jump.

More »

Knox Dreams Of Jeannie

Tom Knox grew up in public housing, worked odd jobs, and… okay, you know the deal. But you don’t go from public housing to the boardrooms without knowing how to make deals — although Tom Knox’s detractors say his people skills are bad — and Knox is apparently close to striking a deal that could help him capture the mayor’s office later this month.

Yes, Knox is pondering an alliance with Jannie Blackwell. For Knox, the partnership could bring Blackwell’s street team — wow, mayoral politics are like Y100! — or whatever. For Blackwell, Knox could support her bid for City Council president. And OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT????

GAAAAAH! Are people going to buy this paper? I picked it up at the newsstand today and I felt dirty. It’s, by far, the creepiest Daily News cover ever. If you look, Knox’s neck looks ridiculously creepy, Jannie Blackwell appears to have her head recently attached — though I guess it’s a chain instead — and Knox’s expression…. GAH! GAH! My eyes, it burns, it burns!

Knox & Blackwell ponder alliance [Daily News]

Knox: All Who Oppose Me Shall Be Crushed

Over the weekend, a few anti-Tom Knox ads began airing on local television. One was from candidate Bob Brady and used the word “fake” to describe Tom Knox. Another was from a group called Working People for Truth, which concluded its ad with “Tom Knox - fake, fake, fake.”

Clearly, the use of the word “fake” in both ads is concrete evidence the two groups are most certainly colluding to attempt to stop Tom Knox and help Bob Brady get elected. Or something. The city’s Board of Ethics — remember them? — will issue subpoenas to figure out if groups are breaking the city’s campaign finance laws.

Meanwhile, Tom Knox’s camp is considering a lawsuit against Working People for Truth — Not all 527s need to have “for Truth” at the end of their names, people! You know the Swift Boat people lied, right? — as well as hoping to send people to prison.

“This is illegal, illegal, illegal,” [Knox campaign manager Josh] Morrow said. “If the federal law was broken, someone should go to jail for this.”

Yes, that’s it. Someone should go to jail. Hey, it’s not like our prisons aren’t overcrowded or anything!

Campaign ad inquiry plans to subpoena [Inquirer]

Knox Attacked For Goombah Affiliation

Appropriate since — as you undoubtedly know if you have a TV, or have passed by a TV store, or you know someone who has a TV — he worked odd jobs, left home at 16 and joined the Navy, a group of Philadelphians are attempting to Swift Boat Tom Knox.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a 527 political action group, attacked John Kerry in 2004 for… I dunno. He hated the Vietnam War or something, which was America’s greatest and most successful war after the War on Drugs. Or apparently he killed Vietnamese children and drank their blood. But, anyway, people bought it, even though the Swift Boaters weren’t exactly telling what we like to call “the truth.”

The anti-Knox group is headed up by Alex Talmadge, who apparently stood in for Bob Brady at a forum recently. It’s called Economic Justice Coalition for Truth. (Note: not all 527’s have to be “for Truth.” Sometimes they’re for lying.)

But the Swift Boat story doesn’t mean the Tom Knox 527 is going to lie or anything, as these groups can — amazingly — attack candidates for things they actually did. As you may know, Tom Knox was poor until he robbed poor people of their money, then he got rich. Or maybe he stole the Liberty Bell and sold it on the black market. Oh, here it is: He headed up a bank that made payday loans, which charge like a billion percent interest. And the new scandal is he keeps a guy on payroll who was a convicted felon.

Knox, a multimillionaire businessman, said he still keeps David S. Fishbone on his personal payroll three years after Maryland insurance regulators fined his company $125,000 for employing the disbarred lawyer as a compliance officer for Fidelity Insurance, a company he bought in 1999 and sold in 2004.

Because if there is one thing the public won’t stand for, it’s convicted felons working as compliance officers for insurance companies! However, the always great Kate Philips, Brady’s spokeswoman, chimed in: “Cronyism got him into that mess. He took one of his old goombahs and gave him that job.”

Political group targets Knox [Inquirer]
Knox defends hiring of felon at his Md. HMO [Inquirer]
We said the Swift Boats were coming [The Next Mayor]

The Best Two Comments On Tom Knox’s Myspace

Fortunately, they’re right on top of each other (click to enlarge).

Tom Knox [Myspace]

Mayor Tom Knox Good For Philadelphia Will Do?

Like most human beings, I’m a pretty selfish person. I don’t mean it really in a bad sense, but when thinking about who I’d like to win the mayor’s race, I’d like it to be the candidate who will lead to the best scenario for me.

One might think I could use this Dwight Evans link to my blog and possibly parlay that into Evans giving me a cushy job as City Breast Inspector or something. But I doubt the city even has a breast inspector — it’s more of a federal thing — and I doubt Evans would have a plan to implement one.

In reality, all the mayoral candidates would make fine mocking targets for PWD. After all, I believe John Street is actually a zombie and I’ve still had fun with him. Who knows what they’ll do once in office? Maybe Chaka Fattah will appoint Shaft deputy mayor, maybe Michael Nutter will have a deejaying contest in Dilworth Plaza and maybe Bob Brady will maul a bear with his two hands.

But judging from this new article in Phillymag, Tom Knox might lead to the best hilarity of all. More below.

More »

Second Mayoral Debate Way Better Than First

While you were asleep Sunday morning, 6 ABC aired the second official mayoral debate. In this debate, the five candidates sat around a table with Action News morning hosts Matt O’Donnell and Tamala Edwards. (Yes, if you’re wondering, the hosts of a show in the same genre — “morning” — as Good Day Philadelphia, which used to feature the anchors dancing with mascots, hosted a mayoral debate.)

The debate taught me a lot of things; namely, the five candidates for mayor all creep me out. (That’s Bob Brady and Chaka Fattah in happier times in the photo; namely, the time they presented a check to the park ranger to find out who was swiping all those pic-i-nic baskets.) They’re politicians, so that’s normal, but, yeesh. Starting below, a recap of some sort.

More »

Police Called To Incident Involving Mascot

The confrontation we’ve been waiting since he made his debut on the mayoral scene earlier this month has finally taken place: Somebody from Tom Knox’s camp vs. Tommy the Loan Shark himself.

The confrontation took place yesterday, outside a NAACP mayoral forum. The shark’s partner (of course the shark has a partner), Jim Nixon, told the Daily News about his confrontation with Knox volunteer Michael Youngblood.

“He comes to me and says things like, ‘You’re in my neighborhood now, motherfucker I’ve messed up people tougher than you. I’ll crack your skull. I’ll shove that megaphone up your ass,’ ” Nixon said.

But Youngblood, who served time in prison for drug dealing and fraud last century, said the exchange went differently; it was Nixon, he said, who came after him. The police were called, because campaign volunteer-on-mascot violence clearly needs to be dealt with by a trained tactical squad. (The cops should stick to prosecuting mascots like Grump.)

Other witnesses said they saw Youngblood yelling at Nixon and moving toward him “in a very menacing, threatening manner,” but no charges were filed against anyone. Well, actually, the humor police filed charges against Tom Knox:

“Even though I have to leave early, I hope when it’s over you’ll all enjoy a nice fish fry,” Knox said. “There’s one outside.” Before leaving, Knox said, “And I hope you have that fish fry when you leave.”

A lesson to all: This is what you sound like when you try to make jokes without watching Gilligan’s Island or reading for pleasure.

‘Shark’ pal, Knox aide square off [Daily News]
Feb. 20: Tom Knox Unaware Of Significance Of A Three Hour Tour, A Three Hour Tour
April 4: Copyright-Infringing Mascot Arrested In Sex Sting
Archives: Tommy the Loan Shark

Breaking: Whoever Is Doing ‘Tommy The Loan Shark’ Has Lamer Jokes Than Philadelphia Will Do

Ha ha! Invented the Internet! Just like Al Gore… didn’t say. But whatever. Wokka wokka wokka!

A note: Whooping cough is the money disease to use in a joke. I do like the translucent word bubbles, though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in a comic strip before.

Tommy the Loan Shark

Mayoral Candidates Play Bingo, Take Geritol

As the mayor’s race rolls toward its inevitable, boring conclusion, the interested observers are beginning to circle the wagons, talk in wild platitudes and get really nervous Tom Knox is actually going to win this thing.

For example, YoungPhillyPolitics dissects the newest poll, showing Tom Knox with approximately a 750 percentage point lead over the other candidates. City Councilman Jim Kenney even chimed in! “If this poll is true and this trend continues, on May 16th my concience [sic] will be clear.” Thanks, Jim! We were all wondering what your conscience was going to be like in mid-May. Then Kenney wrote about how stupid Philadelphia voters are.

But what about people who actually decide the elections; i.e. old people. Well, they’re getting attention from the mayoral candidates as well. The KYW 1060 article was headlined “Mayoral Hopefuls Promise Better Health Care If Elected,” so you know how much they’re pandering.

But after the AARP-sponsored forum, the attendees got down to more important stuff:

At the end of the forum - a staple at a senior get-together - a raffle. A nice lady is going to the Tropicana.

Buoyed after seeing her excitement, Tom Knox began to hatch a new idea: Free spaghetti dinners are the Trop.

Mayoral Hopefuls Promise Better Health Care If Elected [KYW 1060]
Oh. Crap. [Young Philly Politics]