Pre-Crime Unit To Make Debut In Philly

Okay, so it’s not quite the pre-cogs predicted by Phillip K. Dick (and Tom Cruise), but Philadelphia is totally getting a pre-crime unit.

Or, rather, a pre-crime computer program. Penn criminologist Richard Berk and three others have developed a program to be deployed to the probation department next year that makes it “40 times more likely for caseworkers to accurately predict future lethality than they can using current practices.”

The program works by computing about 40 variables, analyzing them and spitting out a score that’s a gauge of a probationed person’s potential to commit murder.

And if your life being reduced to a series of mathematical variables wasn’t enough, Berk says that nine out of ten false positives “may be something we choose to live with.” Whee!

Fear not, those who commit random acts of vandalism or evade federal taxes, this program should leave you alone.

“This will help stratify our caseload and target our resources to the most dangerous people,” probation department director of research Ellen Kurtz said. “I don’t care as much about the shoplifter. I care a lot about the murderer, obviously.”

If you’ll excuse me, I’m heading over to the Dollar General to steal an extension cord. How are they going to catch me?

Phila. getting software to predict who might kill [Inquirer]

Joe Vento, America’s Expert On Everything

Man, those Metro staffers know everything. After yesterday’s Metro/Roots mashup, a different staffer of the free daily let us know yesterday afternoon about a special guest on television:

You must turn on Fox News..Joey Vento’s talking about Tom Cruise…Huh?

But of course. Isn’t Tom Cruise an illegal immigrant?

If anyone saw this and either has video or any description of it, please let us know.

Your Irresistible Ella Update

Seriously, this isn’t real. Someone’s just fucking with me, right?

Irresistible Ella [NBC 10]
Earlier today: This Is A Sign Of The Apocalypse