Greenpeace To Protest Puppies

Whoo! This week the Cottonelle Puppy Bus hits town. Wait, what?

Okay, so the Puppy Bus is apparently a bus with fur on it to make it look like a puppy. The “Be Kind To Your Behind Tour” is run by Cottonelle to tell people to… hell, I dunno. Probably “buy Cottonelle toilet paper.” (As you may know, I previously expressed love for Cottonelle Ultra Double Rolls; I must admit I have since switched (gasp!) to Charmin Ultra Strong.)

But what makes this stupid puppy bus notable is, of course, that it might be protested. From Alert Philadelphia:

From Thursday, April 10, 2008 to Saturday, April 12, 2008, from 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM, the Kimberly-Clark Company will be handing out samples of it’s Cottonell products at various locations throughout the city as part of a multimillion dollar ad campaign. On Thursday they will stop at 12th & Arch Streets, on Friday, April 11th at 9th Street & Passyunk Avenue [Of COURSE the Puppy Bus is headed to Geno's!--dmac] and Saturday, April 12th at 6th & Market Streets.

This campaign has been promoted in various cities around the country and the environmentalist group Greenpeace has protested these sites claiming that Kimberly-Clark “drives the destruction of ancient forests.” Information has been received that there is a possibility that Greenpeace may protest the Philadelphia locations.

Man, that would be a great marketing slogan. Forget the puppy bus. Cottonelle: The toilet paper with the power of ancient forests.” I’d totally switch back to Cottonelle if they did that.

Penn Student Government Finally Tackles Pressing Issue

[Undergraduate Assembly] Housing is also working with [Housing and Conferences Services] to bring in-house tutoring services to College Houses as well as thicker brands of toilet paper.

That is a crucial part of being a well-rounded student. If your ass is chafed, you can’t even think about studying.

If Penn needs any outside consulting on the subject, I am a certified expert.

News Brief: Library hours, toilet paper on UA agenda [Daily Pennsylvanian]

Eagles Bring Toilet Paper, Hyperbaric Chambers To Camp

The veterans on the Eagles moved up to Bethlehem yesterday for the opening of training camp at Lehigh, at that weird other Lehigh sports campus that is like ridiculously far away from the main campus.

And Brian Westbrook and Brian Dawkins brought their hyperbaric chambers. They brought their hyperbaric chambers. Apparently, a hyperbaric chamber — what, I just like saying it, okay? — helps the players recover quicker. “The recovery time is ridiculous,” Dawkins said.

This story is great, because the Inquirer’s Bob Brookover’s lead is the standard “things have changed at training camp” one. But instead of being the usual “players used to be poor, now they’re rich!” storyline, it’s about how players used to bring all this luxury shit and now they bring their hyperbaric chambers to be at the top of their game!

Also, new linebacker Takeo Spikes feels the same way I do about toilet paper:

“Toilet tissue - preferably Charmin,” Spikes said. “You have to have at least 300 or better thread counts. That’s very big to me because if you don’t have that, I don’t know if I can go out and perform up to my level.”

Spikes speaks the truth, though I prefer Cottonelle.

Birds unpack for season of promise [Inquirer]