Pete Rose Admits Culpability In 9/11 Attacks

The country was interested in the attorney general firing scandal, as millions — okay, not really — what would happen to Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez and the cast of jerks who inhabit the White House.

But then — surprise! — we got thrown a curveball from the government. We were told of a shocking confession that I assume will shift the nation’s attention for a few months or something. We were told of the true story of Pete Rose.

The former Phillies player Pete Rose was banned from baseball in 1990 for betting on it. Rose got so angry he came up with a plot to take down the two towers of the World Trade Center.

It took him 11 years, but he finally hatched his large plot on Sept. 11. In addition to that, Rose planned several other attacks, and also admitted to personally beheading former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn. He also planned to attack such landmarks as Chicago’s Sears Tower, the Panama Canal, London’s Big Ben and Fenway Park.

He also admitted to the 1993 World Trade Center attack and the 2004 destruction of Veterans Stadium.

Rose admits to betting on Reds ‘every night’ [ESPN.com]
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I beheaded American reporter [CNN.com]
Subpoenas could target White House, Justice officials [CNN.com]