An Update On Terrell Owens

The Dallas police held a press conference a little over an hour ago to update the status of Terrell Owens. Or, really, just to release a statement and then walk away. The police said they didn’t know how the police report got out, that no one was being charged with anything, and that’s about it.

Owens’ publicist has disputed the facts of the police report, which stated that an officer asked T.O. if he was trying to harm himself and he responded, “Yes.” The Cowboys are holding a press conference later this afternoon.

The breaking news has brought out the jokers and the armchair psychiatrists. And some Dallas TV stations are interviewing the experts, like this story from WFAA-TV:

“This is stunning news; obviously and incredibly surprising that a man in this position would reach this level of depression,” said WFAA-TV sports director Dale Hansen. “There’s something terribly wrong here, and hopefully we’ll find out as the day goes on.”

“There’s something strange about his quote,” said Philadelphia Will Do blogger Daniel McQuade. “But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

Update, 1:30 p.m.: T.O. is giving a press conference in front of his house in a few. If you want to follow this story, the Dallas Morning News’ blog isn’t bad. It also contains this:

“We will get the truth from the man himself,” said Deion Sanders. “He will tell the truth.”

Mystery surrounds T.O. illness [Star-Telegram]
Police report: Terrell Owens attempted suicide [WFAA-TV]

Report: T.O. Attempted Suicide

A police report out of Dallas says that ex-Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens — really, if you’re reading this I hope you know who he is by now — attempted suicide last night:

Terrell Owens told police he attempted suicide last night.

CBS 11 News first reported the Dallas Cowboys wide receiver was wheeled into Baylor Medical Center Tuesday night.

According to the Dallas Police Department incident report, Owens told police he took more than 30 pills in a suicide attempt.

Sources tell CBS 11 News Owens was taken to Baylor Hospital by Dallas Fire Rescue and that emergency room doctors attempted to induce vomiting.

Nice that CBS 11 News in Dallas interrupted their report on a man’s attempted suicide to plug themselves. More on this as it develops.

DPD Report Says Owens Attempted Suicide [CBS 11]

Leftovers: First They Came For The Marlboro Men, And I Did Not Speak Out Because I Was Not A Marlboro Man…

• The Bulletin on the Smoking Ban: “The anti-smoking Nazis have passed their first Nuremberg law, and more will follow.” Because if you can’t compare genocidal facism to a not being able to light up in a bar, what can you compare it to? [Bulletin]

• The Inquirer’s Marc Narducci asks if Eagles fans are overrated because he saw a few people leaving the game early Sunday. As a commenter pointed out, the Eagles certainly left the game before any of their fans did. And who the hell is Marc Narducci (or anyone, really) able to judge who is a “true” fan or not? That being said, Eagles fans did get way too many votes in the most recent AP poll. [Eye on the Eagles]

• Your three new City Councilpeople come November, ladies and gentlemen: Carol Campbell, William Greenlee and Daniel Savage. How many people saw that list and said, “Wait. The writer of Savage Love is running for City Council?” [AP/Philly.com]

• Terrell Owens is now “likely” to rejoin the Dallas Cowboys for their Oct. 8 game at the Linc. ARAMARK breathes sigh of relief, buys 50 billion kegs of Bud Light in advance of game. [AP/Yahoo!]

• And now for the latest edition of Northeast-Philadelphian-In-Space: The shuttle Atlantis has had its return delayed due to a piece of debris that may have floated out of the craft. They’re likely to return Thursday or Friday now, upon which Chris Ferguson will get a celebratory shopping spree at Franklin Mills. [AP/CNN.com]

Ultimate Schadenfreude

Yesterday, the Dallas Morning News reported that new Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens had been fined $9,500 for missing two meetings and a rehab session on Friday.

A little under $10,000 isn’t quite a big fine for the receiver, who signed a three-year, $25 million deal in the offseason. But we all know from the trials and tribulations of last season that Owens doesn’t quite like anything done to him, ever. But, in case you haven’t been paying close attention to Cowboys training camp and their trials and tribulations with Owens — because, really, who hasn’t? — here’s a short list:

• Owens has missed 19 of 31 practices so far at this training camp with a hamstring injury.
• During one of his bike riding sessions, he wore the old uniform of Lance Armstrong. Fortunately, he avoided a Floyd Landis costume.
• He flew in assistants to help him with rehab. The Associated Press article sort of paints this as a bad thing. I’m not quite sure — it sounds like a good thing to me — but whatever.
• And now there’s this fine.

Uh, actually, that doesn’t sound like he’s done anything all that bad, until he missed a few meetings.

But, still, at least he played in the preseason last year.

T.O. going too far? WR reportedly fined $9,500 [AP/ESPN.com]

Leftovers: A Gay American (And A Gay Talk Show Host)

• Guess who might be a co-host on Joan Rivers “queer version of The View“? That’s right, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey! We can’t wait for the episode about appointing your alleged lover to a position in Homeland Security. [NY Post]

• Terrell Owens hasn’t practiced with the Cowboys for 12 days. All together now: Hmmmm… [NBC 10 Eagles Blog]

• PATCO has begun a rollout of new high-speed line fare cards that are much easier than the old card system Patco used. SEPTA is not thinking of changing its “three chickens and a goat” fare system anytime soon. [KYW 1060]

• The 911 calls from the Brett Myers incident have been released; naturally, they contain this line from a caller: “What a stupid idiot.” [Inquirer]

• Thousands mobbed American Idol auditions at the Meadowlands today. Yep. Thousands of horsemen and horsewomen of the apocalypse. [AP/Camden Courier-Post]

Countdown to Nov. 8: McNabb vs. T.O.

NBC 10 did a little Owens/McNabb mashup last night on the news, juxtaposing their recent comments. Here it is:

That “truth” line from owens is particularly funny, especially due to his recent comments that, well, he pulled a Charles Barkley:

Included in the public-relations blitz were more jabs at Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb and claims from Owens that he was - and this is rich - misquoted in his own book, when he referred to his comeback from a broken right fibula and sprained ankle to play in the Super Bowl as “nothing short of heroic.” During one book-signing appearance, Owens told reporters the word “heroic” came from Rosenhaus. Unfortunately for Owens, a spokeswoman for the publisher denied that claim.

Indeed! But know what’s even worse for Owens? When viewing Owens’ and McNabb’s comments back-to-back, it’s pretty clear: T.O. just got owned by Donovan. Ouch.

It’s only a few months, friends, until Cowboys-Eagles at the Linc.

Owens airing his previews of coming distractions [Orlando Sentinel]

T.O. Exits His Vault Of Gold Dubloons To Complain The Media Treats Him Unfairly

When he’s not robbing banks or kicking puppies, Terrell Owens sometimes talks to the media. (This is kind of like saying President Bush sometimes makes himself sound stupid.) And, inbetween bites of babies he was eating, Owens talked with Real Sports‘ Bryant Gumble. Then he gave Gumble a wedgie.

In an interview airing tonight, Owens told Gumble two things: (1) He’s a virgin and a chronic masturbator, and (2) The media is biased against him and he’s not really a selfish player.

“The only thing I can really think of is maybe it was the way I grew up, you know,” he said, according to a transcript released Monday to The Associated Press. “I got picked on so much, and it’s like I feel like I’m still constantly being picked on.” ¶ Owens said he doesn’t think reporters are necessarily conspiring against him as much as using him “to gain viewers’ attention.” As a result, he believes that he is “misunderstood.” He said other players have been, too, “but I feel like I have been one of the main guys who’ve been vilified.”

Owens then beat up Steven Hawking, robbed the bank account of Alex’s Lemonade Stand and killed Barbaro. Then he bashed his quarterback in a national interview.

T.O. tells HBO he’s misunderstood; wonders `Why me?’ [AP/Yahoo!]

Donovan McNabb Commits Black-On-Black Crime

Yesterday, Terrell Owens’ second autobiography was released. Oddly, the book was released without any fanfare or advance promotion.

The Inquirer’s Don McKee, though, is all over it; he has the juicy parts. There aren’t many, since TO released his first autobiography just under two years ago. This book is also written by his agent’s younger brother, Jason Rosenhaus.

Owens does recount the play that led to the beginning of the Owens-McNabb rift:

He recounts a mini-blowup with McNabb in the New York Giants game on Nov. 28, 2004. The Eagles were 9-1 at that point, coming off a 28-6 win over the Redskins and playing the Giants for the second time that season.

When McNabb failed to see a wide-open Owens in a passing situation, the receiver claims he came back to the huddle and said, in a friendly fashion, “I was open, Dude, and you missed me.”

“I never thought in a million years he would say, ‘Shut the [expletive] up,’ ” Owens writes.

Dude. Donovan McNabb is awesome.

Owens is back with enough gripes to fill a book [Inquirer]

You, Too, Can Get Terrell Owens’ Cup

It used to be, you had to be a professional athlete to get a professional athlete’s cup. I’m not quite sure why you’d want a pro athlete’s cup, but some people are just really hardcore.

But, now, thanks to his official website, you can indeed get Terrell Owens’ cup, as well as his hat and an MP3 of his rap about making it to the Pro Bowl next year. Actually, you get four of T.O.’s cups, and five downloads of his MP3, which — since it’s an MP3 — probably doesn’t have any crippling DRM on it.

Oh, and this deal costs $59. Fifty-nine bucks for a hat, four cups, and an MP3 that you can download five times. (Not sure why you need to download it more than once, though.) The hat, though, is exclusive to T.O. Fan Club members — oh, yes, this is what this deal is for, a membership to Owens’ fan club — and you do also get this bonus:

You will be automatically entered in “Meet and Greet” and have a chance to win two (2) round-trip tickets to “BIG D” to see me “live” in action, as well as meet me after the game.

I must say, I’m a little confused why “live” is in quotes. It seems like you’ll be watching the game on television and then meeting T.O. outside the locker room after the game. But, hey, you do get four cups!

Fan Club Package [Official Store of Terrell Owens]
Join Terrell Owens’ Special Club [Deadspin]

Copy Cats [PW]
March 20: Well, he’s better than Shaq at least

Well, he’s better than Shaq at least

In case you didn’t know — if you were in a cave this weekend, were totally obsessed with basketball, or don’t care — Terrell Owens has ended up signing with the Dallas Cowboys, in a deal that could make him the richest wide receiver ever.

To me, this is great news. First off, how hilarious will the look on T.O.’s face be when he realizes that Drew Bledsoe is about 1/10th the quarterback Donovan McNabb is, even if we have to imagine his reaction? The media coverage of T.O.’s first trip back to Philly will be amazingly nauseating, giving me plenty to mock. And, well, if some scrub like Billy McMullen scores the winning touchdown in a game against the Cowboys and runs to the star at midfield and stomps on it, it will definitely be the greatest moment in football history.

There’s no doubt that Owens is a great wide receiver and the Eagles will miss him. But, you know, whatever, that’s all done now, and I think there’s just a great of a chance that he’ll make Bill Parcells’ head explode — actually, that’d be awesome, too — as he will to lead the Cowboys to the division title.

The Eagles didn’t really have a choice. They should have traded him before last season, but hindsight is 50/50, and nobody knew that the Eagles would self-destruct, McNabb would get hurt, T.O. would start thinking Michael Irvin is a smart football analyst and Andy Reid would decide he didn’t need Owens anymore with the team still in some lingering playoff contention. And, so, he went to their division rival. But, you know what, this is a good chance for Reid to show his stuff: Is he really that good of a coach? Can he devise a gameplan to stop Owens? Can he lead the team back to the playoffs, the Super Bowl? Or was this just a stupid move by an overrated coach that’s going to send the team back to the 3-13 depths of yesteryear?

Anyway, the best part about everything is that Owens now has a rap song about him joining the Cowboys on his official website. Just load up the website, and it plays. In addition to saying he was the main reason people came to games, plugging his sponsor Boost Mobile and generally sounding really angry, he also says this tremendous line:

Gonna set a few records, be back in the Pro Bowl,

One week after, winnin’ the Super Bowl!

Notice which accomplishment comes first. Yep, that’s T.O. A team player until the end. Seriously, there’s no way this can’t end in an hilarious way. Then again, Glenn Robinson did win a title with the Spurs last year…

TerrellOwens.com
Owens’ contract could net him record money [ESPN.com]