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Nov
30
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It appears DigPhilly caught wind of my little media expose about its Google Body story (uhh, yeah) and now there’s an explanatory note on the text by its author, PWD fave Teresa Masterson.
Awww, crap. It has come to my attention that the Google Body story from wired.com may really be made up… I already knew I hated certain Philadelphia bloggers. I’m ready to expand my hatred to wired.com bloggers. Suck it Bruce Sterling.
Hey, hey. Hate me, sure — unless Masterson’s referring to Dan Rubin — but wired.com’s Google Body blog entry was dated the year 2022 and featured quotes like “You know what the top two search terms are, after ‘ass’? They’re ‘aorta’ and ‘arterial plaque.’” Hating Bruce Sterling for thinking that entry is real is like hating a stop sign because it doesn’t turn green and tell you to go.
But I really enjoy the comments of another apparent NBC 10 staffer, PSUPhilly22, who states the following:
Look, if Philly and wired.com bloggers can giggle at the joke, then clearly - mission accomplished. remember, these people don’t get out much anyways - they have to do what they can for entertainment. as for the story being made up, it’d be funny if it was about a joke or something, not about a computer program. it’s like trying to joke about HTML coding - it’d be more fun to hit your hand with a hammer repeatedly.
Well, I’ll agree that the Google Body entry wasn’t funny, but it certainly spawned some hilarity. And HTML jokes are awesome. Haven’t you ever seen my page trying to validate? And remember when I left that </strike> tag open and the entire page was crossed out? Ha!
Google to show your hoo-ha to the world [DigPhilly]
Yesterday: DigPhilly Speaks Out Against Fictional Programs
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dmac | 8:45 AM | 2 Comments
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Nov
28
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Yesterday, NBC 10/DigPhilly’s Teresa Masterson reported on a pretty creepy new Google technology: Google Body, which will attempt to scan the body of every living thing on Earth. Google said they’ll be able to help companies know where to spend their research dollars and help match up organ donations. There is a way to opt out.
I don’t like to use strong language in writing, but there is no other way to describe it: This is fuuuuuucked up.
The project, known as Google Body, sees the company partnering with public transportation systems, libraries, and motor vehicle departments to place scanners in highly trafficked areas, doorways, etc., that will scan every person’s body in order to make it available to anyone.
The best part? If you don’t want people to be able to google your ass, (and yes, I mean your ass in the literal sense) you need to wear a yellow and black headband in public. I really wonder if this is a joke. I’m praying that this is a joke. But it’s not. It’s insanity masked as innovative technology.
You may have guessed it already, people: The original article on Wired’s website was a joke.
More »
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dmac | 9:46 AM | 5 Comments
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Jun
1
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First, a story: I actually saw Teresa Masterson on the street the other day. She was on Broad Street taking a photo of the Union League. I would have said hello, but I figured it would be bad for my image to be murdered in the middle of Broad Street.
Anyway, here’s a discussion of her latest DigPhilly column.
anonymous reader: you have to read this new digphilly article. teresa masterson visits christopher hitchens!
pwddmac: but she admits she didn’t read his new book in the paragraph five.
reader: first of all, is not teresa masterson’s JOB to write for digphilly?
reader: meaning, if you have to review someone who is speaking at the library, would it not behoove you to actually READ his book?
reader: i mean, i don’t advocate reading his book either, but to announce it to everyone so flippantly?
pwddmac: i can’t believe she likes hitchens so much even though she doesn’t agree with him. he’s pretty much the most un-charismatic person on the planet and i’d probably agree with his annoying god book.
pwddmac: but, i, too, haven’t read it.
reader: i’ve never seen him, mainly because i can barely stomach reading him
reader: i do, however, agree with hitch on one thing: apparently women really AREN’T funny.
pwddmac: hahaha
pwddmac: see, i just laughed
pwddmac: you got THREE has
reader: well, at least one woman is an idiot
pwddmac: “He sternly addressed the anti-war people in the crowd. The soldiers in Iraq defending democracy ’shouldn’t be sneered at in my presence,’ he said.”
pwddmac: i’ll keep all my soldier sneering away from chris hitchens
reader: right, because sneering at the deceitful bloodbath of a war is akin to spitting on soldiers
reader: oh wait, you’re coming up on my favorite part
reader: the droll lavender reference
pwddmac: ha ha i get it!
reader: see, because he’s red AND blue
pwddmac: because everyone else in the world adheres to the strict principles of the democratic and republican parties
reader: lavender is a good war color
pwddmac: “oh my! a public figure who isn’t a shill for a particular political party GASP!”
reader: “maybe i WILL read his book!”
pwddmac: “This man with the British accent had more American spirit than most people I know.”
pwddmac: what exactly IS “american spirit”
pwddmac: does she mean the cigarettes?
reader: there weren’t any photos! i wanted the usual teresa slideshow
reader: why didn’t she hug hitch?
reader: oh, also: “The United States still remains the only country where others’ religious beliefs are not forced on anyone; where people can worship freely; where the government cannot force you to pay homage to any god.”
reader: i know there are “examples” in the next graph, but come on
pwddmac: she might be right. i hear in canada everybody has to make sacrifices to puckface, the god of hockey, while smoking free medical marijuana to recover from government-funded gender reassignment surgery
reader: that is one of the dumber positions she’s ever taken on anything
pwddmac: liking christopher hitchens?
reader: no, that the US is the only secular country on earth
reader: liking christopher hitchens is also pretty stupid too
reader: i hope she just happens to not know that he’s a borderline mysoginist
pwddmac: borderline?
pwddmac: that’s being generous
reader: ok, i was trying to be (uncharacteristically) nice
pwddmac: don’t be nice to hitchens!
reader: i hope she just didn’t do her research
reader: didn’t she just write about how sexist philly.com is?
reader: i want to send her a copy of that vanity fair story
pwddmac: if i link it here hopefully she’ll see it
reader: teresa: seriously. i was on the verge of saying nice things about you recently. please reconsider your position on hitch. thx.
Update: Being Christopher Hitchens. (Thanks, Amara!)
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dmac | 1:04 PM | 6 Comments
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May
23
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A few words about Philly.com’s new “Philly Women” section with (the female) Anonymous Reader.
AR: i’m sort of wondering who their demographic is
like it seems like it’s designed for idiots
i just think it’s the newsprint equivalent to those old penny’s commercials — remember those?
where the dads are left to parent the kids while moms are out shopping?
and the kids go ballistic and nearly tear down the house or something?
me: i think you’re thinking of graham greene’s the destructors
AR: phillywomen is the same schlock
me: so it’s like home improvement, say?
AR: now i can put a grown-up sociological reason for why i hated that show as a child, ha
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dmac | 2:14 PM | 0 Comments
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Dec
18
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pwddmac: so i need to name teresa masterson one of the people of the year
anonymous reader: well duh
reader: i can’t believe she’s not THE person of the year
pwddmac: she was in the running, believe me.
reader: i should hope so!
pwddmac: the hard part was trying to figure out what to honor her for.
reader: hugging.
reader: it has to be the hugging, doesn’t it?
reader: the inappropriate, non-stop hugging?
pwddmac: i was thinking going pole dancing — and then bashing it! — led the way, but you might be on to sometehing there.
reader: i’m sure she hugged the pole. heh.
pwddmac: and all her potential suitors on that speed date +1.
pwddmac: man, there was just so much! it’s really hard to narrow it down to just a few things.
pwddmac: don’t forget this: “But in this Britney Spears culture, where women feel it necessary to show it all, it seems like were missing the good stuff when everyone is showing off all of their stuff.”
reader: oh if we’re turning this into a “find the best line in her ouevre” contest, it’s going to take a while.
reader: oh what about that phil roy dinner party she thought she was covering but ended up working for him?
pwddmac: that was great. and she also whined that she couldn’t get into the trenton thunder locker room.
pwddmac: oh, and how about the one where she dieted and later got drunk?
pwddmac: wasn’t that supposed to be just a part 1 of many?
reader: oh yeah!
reader: what happened, teresa?
pwddmac: god, we’re like two kids discussing simpsons episodes. i dare to bring up steve irwin or paula deen.
pwddmac: or when sharif street tried to pick her up.
reader: where has she gone, anyway?
pwddmac: she’s working on digphilly.com! remember her Myspace stalking article?
reader: yeah, but she hasn’t been on there in ages
pwddmac: well clearly they’re holding her back for the big opening
reader: oh right
reader: they’re putting out on feb. 1
pwddmac: yeah, remember, something like: “come feb. 1, we’re no tease. we put out.”
pwddmac: or: “come feb. 1, we break our hymen.”
pwddmac: something like that
reader: ewww
pwddmac: ha, i’m totally keeping that in.
reader: gross
Philadelphia Will Do People of the Year | The List So Far
Archives: Teresa Masterson
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dmac | 3:12 PM | 0 Comments
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Nov
20
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It’s time for another Chat™, in which our protagonists discover NBC 10’s new website:
pwddmac: okay, lemme set the intro real quick: so remember how I told you that nbc10’s starting a new website called bigphilly.com?
pwddmac: it’s actually digphilly.com.
anonymous reader: digphilly.com?
reader: why on earth would they name it that?
pwddmac: dunno. i figured out it was nbc 10’s site by checking the domain’s registration.
pwddmac: also there’s a photo of teresa masterson on the front page.
reader: oh look at you, encyclopedia brown.
pwddmac: i prefer to think of myself as more of a contestant from the carmen sandiego game show.
pwddmac: “This is not the real digphilly.com.This is just a taste of what’s to come. Don’t worry, we’re no tease. Feb. 5 we put out.”
pwddmac: get it, it’s like SEX!
reader: we’re putting out with blog entries about exercise pole dancing, maybe?
pwddmac: perhaps. but for now: there’s a new article!
reader: ok, this blog is so pointless i’m not even sure it’s good sport to make fun of it
pwddmac: no, it’s very important. the entry’s about things that let you see if someone checked your myspace profile.
reader: i didn’t know those things actually worked
pwddmac: what if she knows i checked hers???
reader: oh no!
reader: WHAT IF SHE KNOWS I CHECKED HER PROFILE?
pwddmac: she might be able to figure out who you are and they she will hunt you down and kill you since YOU are the one who always makes mean comments because i’m a pussy.
reader: come on, be mean. i dare you.
reader: say something mean.
pwddmac: the current administration’s handling of the war in iraq is sub-par at best.
reader: have you looked at the rest of the site?
pwddmac: you mean this: “wawa has the best phuckin sandwhich wraps doggz…… nosh the buffalo chicken wang wrap its the shizzle.”
reader: wait, what?
pwddmac: this has to be just the staffers fucking around and testing it, right?
pwddmac: i’m sorry, phucking around.
reader: did you read the one about 20 cents?
reader: ninja staring contest, too.
1:45:45 PM pwddmac: “I saw that ninja fighting a parking meter on South Street last week. I think they’re still at it.”
pwddmac: NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE AT ALL
pwddmac: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE
reader: you’re right, i think they’re phucking around
pwddmac: but even for that, it’s phucking retarded
pwddmac: i mean i know test messageboard posts don’t need to be “The Tiger” but this is a bit much.
reader: if it’s so bad i don’t even want to waste company time looking at it, then you know it’s not worthwhile
Their Space [DigPhilly.com]
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dmac | 2:08 PM | 2 Comments
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Nov
8
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It’s been a long time, but Election Day finally brought Teresa Masterson back out again:
pwddmac: first off: rumsfeld — gone.
anonymous reader: yes!
pwddmac: second off: teresa masterson, BACK.
reader: happy day!
pwddmac: she goes to the famous 4th street deli for the election to meet ed rendell, but fast eddie doesn’t show
pwddmac: i was going to go there, we could have had a meeting rivaled only by gorbachev and reagan!
pwddmac: or i could have been like, “Dr. Masterson, I presume?”
pwddmac: but that would have been weird. i don’t even know if teresa has a license to practice medicine
reader: i just got out of the most annoying meeting ever, and this drivel is on the verge of making my head explode
reader: seriously
reader: excited and eager!
reader: excited AND eager!
reader: wow
pwddmac: why use just one when “excited and eager” will do just fine?
reader: because you’re getting paid by the word, dickens-style?
pwddmac: if i were being paid by the word, i would have been “excited and eager and anxious and happy and nervous and hungry and gassy”
reader: she makes a good point about unions (”‘I believe in our union; whatever they feel is right, that’s the way we go,’ said Mike. Nothing like an uneducated voter trying to educate voters.”)
pwddmac: i agree, but i thought that was the good part about being in a union, you don’t have to think for yourself
pwddmac: that and $2 co-pays
reader: wait, i just finished. that’s it?
reader: seriously - i don’t need someone to re-tell the fourth street deli story
reader: lynne abraham got thousand island dressing on her blazer
reader: that’s the kind of stuff i want from teresa
pwddmac: oh, now now, look, we DO learn a lot: “The lunch tradition began 30 years ago when Philadelphia political boss Pete Camille started coming to the deli on Election Day to drink a glass of tea while holding a cube of sugar in his teeth for good luck.”
pwddmac: what a tradition!
pwddmac: i hope the next one starts when vince fumo goes to the new city public toilet and takes a big dump for good luck
reader: did you look at the photos?
reader: i like teresa’s snappy blue coat and her glasses
pwddmac: the glasses are top-notch. i’d like the coat more if it had a charlotte hornets logo on the back
reader: check photo 14: do you think sharif street is trying to pick teresa up?
pwddmac: YES!
reader: awk. ward.
Blog: The Governor Eats Chopped Liver [NBC 10]
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dmac | 2:17 PM | 0 Comments
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Oct
18
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An anonymous tip turns into a chat on the future of the NBC 10’s website:
pwddmac: so you know how teresa masterson hasn’t written anything in a while? (i won’t get your hopes up, she still hasn’t.)
anonymous reader: oh, shoot. yes, i have noticed that.
reader: is there a blog turf war going on?
pwddmac: yeah she defected to phawker to interview the ghost of lester bangs
reader: NO
pwddmac: kidding, kidding
pwddmac: but i got an anonymous tip today that she’s going to be spearheading a new nbc 10 website/blog thingy called bigphilly.com
pwddmac: kinda like how fox 29 has myfoxphilly.com, without the myspace co-branding, i guess
reader: shuuuuuuut up
pwddmac: i whois’d the site and it says it’s registered to a leonard pannucci of vegas, so i doubt that’s the name
pwddmac: i’d confirm the tip but i doubt teresa masterson would take my call
reader: maybe she would?
pwddmac: plus i’d have to pick up a phone
pwddmac: okay the second reason is more the reason
pwddmac: anyway i figured i’d chat and post this and hopefully dan gross will confirm the tip
pwddmac: which is sort of how i like to roll, anyway
pwddmac: also: that fan blogger didn’t blog the saints game, as far as i know
reader: well he may not have survived the disappointment
pwddmac: hopefully he’s working on bigphilly.com with teresa and leonard
reader: well it’s good if all the suck is concentrated in one place anyway
pwddmac: bigphilly? more like bigSUCKY!
pwddmac: man, i’m hilarious
reader: isn’t bigphilly dropped like twenty times in every will smith song?
reader: why not gettinjiggy.nbc10.com instead?
pwddmac: great, now they’re gonna see that and use it
Archives: Chat™
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dmac | 3:05 PM | 650 Comments
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Sep
25
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Oh snap! It’s Teresa Time!
anonymous reader: hey, whatever happened to teresa masterson’s diet?
pwddmac: hm. i dunno. she does have a new blog entry up. it’s about meeting chef paula deel.
pwddmac: looks like she has about as much of a followthrough as i do on dieting.
reader: Paula Deen?
pwddmac: paula dean? that’s the name of that woman, right?
reader: it’s Paula Deen!
pwddmac: i keep wanting to write “pauline kael.” god, i am such a nerd.
reader: oh my god!
reader: yes you are!
pwddmac: i don’t watch food network. who is this woman?
reader: you don’t like cooking, so you have no need to know who paula deen is
reader: she’s a jolly southern lady who cooks with pounds and pounds of butter.
pwddmac: so, really good for TM’s diet?
reader: oh, absolutely.
pwddmac: i liked the part where she teresa revealed deen learned how to deep-fry butter
pwddmac: i was wondering how to make butter less healthy.
reader: i’m sure paula could teach you how to, ha
reader: actually, paula’s sons are on the food network now too
reader: shut up - we watch a lot of crap television during the day on the weekends
pwddmac: yeah, i’m doing more important things like trying to win a third college world series in four seasons in mvp 06.
reader: but still, maybe more entertaining than “ham on the road” or whatever their show is called.
pwddmac: their show is called “ham on the road”? is it like an antiques roadshow for food?
reader: it’s as ridiculous as it sounds.
reader: can we talk about the lead for a sec?
reader: “You have got to be doing something extraordinary if you are a 59-year-old mom, who spends most of your time in the kitchen, and men and women in their 20s and 30s are bragging to their friends about meeting you. I’m not talking about Cher.”
reader: first off, it’s a little pretentious.
reader: secondly, how does cher fit in?
reader: i’m confused.
pwddmac: i don’t know if it’s pretentious. it’s just a little overstated. i don’t know how great paula deel could be unless unless she cooks food for refugees in darfur or something.
pwddmac: now, the headline “the deen of women,” that’s a little pretentious.
reader: paula deen!
reader: paula deen!
pwddmac: whatever. i bet sher can’t spell her name correctly, either.
pwddmac: can we talk about the closing line?
pwddmac: Teresa Masterson, 9/21/06: “We do too, Paula. We do too.” Daniel “Dan” McQuade, 12/9/02: “Me, too, coach. Me, too.”
reader: anyway, this blog is completely pointless
pwddmac: this blog entry? or all of her blogs?
pwddmac: or all blogs in general?
pwddmac: please say that one.
reader: if i say “all blogs in general” then it’s a sad statement about what i read while i’m supposed to be doing my job now, isn’t it?
reader: i just mean - the only thing we learn in this blog is that paula deen is a good hugger
pwddmac: just like we learned about al roker, actually.
reader: right. i’m mildly concerned about her and the hugging.
reader: did she hug that guy who made her work in his kitchen?
reader: please look at the slideshow
pwddmac: there really are a lot of hugs.
reader: hugs can be awkward
reader: especially when they are with STRANGERS
pwddmac: who you’re interviewing
reader: oh please. this is not an interview.
reader: it’s a description of butter and hugs
reader: with a little bit of scatalogical humor thrown in. nice!
reader: i have a new favorite line: “… riddled with chuckles.”
pwddmac: riddle me this, paula deen!
pwddmac: did i get her name right this time?
reader: yes! well done.
Blog: True Grits — A Conversation With Paula Deen [NBC 10]
Archives: Teresa Masterson
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dmac | 2:52 PM | 0 Comments
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