Rep. Cruz Wants You To Get AIDS And Die

State Rep. Angel Cruz, who has passed much important legislation like a bill urging major league baseball to retire Roberto Clemente’s number, now hopes you get AIDS and die.

It’s a strong position for a politician to take, but what else is he going to do? There are needles on the ground! Cruz claims his constituents are clamoring for the removal of life-saving needle-exchange programs because there are needles all over the city. While nobody wants needles on the ground, it’s always odd the reaction to this is to shut down the program instead of making sure needles don’t get on the ground.

And so, despite needle-exchange programs preventing new cases of HIV and Hepatitis C (and therefore saving money) and, ahem, students studies showing they do not increase drug use, Cruz’ bill would prevent needle-exchange sites from within 500 feet of schools and residences. This means you could pretty much put the needle-exchange sites only next to the casinos. Oh, and the law wouldn’t grandfather in old sites, so they’d have to move.

The Public Record, a newspaper so bad it’s even off my radar, writes “The needle exchange receives over $375,000 from the City yearly… it hasn’t work.” Three-hundred seventy-five grand? That’s it? That’s less than the city pays for someone to wipe Bob Brady’s ass.

Anyway, Cruz is doing this for some Republican ward leader. It’s nice to see that in an age of partisanship, Republicans and Democrats can work together to give people AIDS.

House Takes Tips On Time-Wasting From City Council

Late last month, City Council took time out of eating donuts to debate an issue important to all Philadelphians. You see, there’s a movement to retire Roberto Clemente’s number among all teams for all times in baseball, because politicians think it might get them votes from Latino baseball fans.

And so lame duck Councilman Juan Ramos spearheaded a resolution asking baseball commissioner Bud Selig to retire #21. Baseball did this with Jackie Robinson’s number in 1997.

Yesterday, the Pennsylvania House of Representatives passed a similar resolution asking baseball to retire that number.

Jackie Robinson’s widow and Hall of Famer Frank Robinson (no relation) oppose the measure, because they don’t have to be elected by anyone.

Mr. Selig, retire this jersey! [Metropolis]
Pa. House asks MLB to retire Clemente’s No. 21 [AP/Philly.com]

Mark B. Cohen Still Reading A Lot, Comparatively

Mark B. Cohen might be billing trips to a fancy soirée in New York to the taxpayers, but he has cut back a bit on the book habit. As you may remember, back in 2006 the Inquirer reported he had spent $28,200 in books for the past two years, including AOL for Dummies and The Zen of Gambling.

Well, Cohen’s book bill was just $3,200 last year, only purchasing a mere 63 books, all of which I’m sure he’s read and used to better the legislature.

Of course, Cohen is attempting to do anything he can to stop you from finding out about it.

Cohen spent $100 in January for the latest edition of the Open Government Guide, a detailed look by the Reporters Committee for the Freedom of the Press at the nation’s varied state laws dealing with public access to records.

A month after buying the book, Cohen became the only member of the new Speaker’s Reform Commission - a panel studying how to make Harrisburg more accountable - to vote against a proposal to provide expense records electronically.

If you dare to question Mark Cohen’s free-spending ways, he’ll pretend his free trips to New York and thousands and thousands of dollars of books is somehow good for me, average taxpayer.

The Pennsylvania Society is not much of a party either. There is no dancing, no romantic music and no mood of hilarity. It is considerably more staid than many, many Christmas parties. [...] Once again, the Inquirer has documented that I engage in legislative-related activities not only five days a week, but also on weekends, not only in Philadelphia but in other places where people relevant to the legislative process gather. This is a grasping, overreaching search for scandal where there is none.

Ha ha! Get it? His free tips to New York weren’t all that much fun, so it’s okay that we paid for it. Now where’s my fucking book report on What a Party!: My Life Among Democrats: Presidents, Candidates, Donors, Activists, Alligators and Other Wild Animals by Terry McAuliffe and Steve Kettmann? It was due last week.

3 weekends in N.Y. billed to Pa. taxpayers [Inquirer]
Bookworm turns over new leaf; tab is down to $3,200 [Inquirer]
Mark Cohen…charging vacation to taxpayers [Phillyblog]

Online Ticket Sales Allegedly Now Safer

The Pennsylvania House has passed and sent to the Senate a law which gives buyers recourse if they buy tickets off a scalper and they’re fake.

Some reps didn’t want to vote for the bill, since it “legitimizes an underground economy” and blah blah blah. The bill is not for the fake Ticketmaster tickets guys sell outside of concerts at the Wachovia Center, but for people who get the incorrect seat from an online purchase. In order to give the buyers recourse, businesses selling tickets on the Internet must have a physical presence in Pennsylvania, ha ha hahahaha.

He doesn’t say it, but I’d bet Buxco State Rep Tommy Tomlinson passed the bill after getting totally ripped off on some Third Eye Blind/Ben Folds tickets.

Pa. Senate Votes To Regulate Tickets Resold Over The Net [KYW 1060]

Pa. Lawmaker Makes Firm Stand Against Crackers ‘N’ Beer

Yesterday, Pennsylvania lawmakers debated whether the state should allow beer sales in grocery stores. What? Oh, happy day! Surely we’ll soon be riding our hoverboards to the food store, purchasing moon soda and delicious, delicious beer.

The hearings yesterday — a joint session of the House and Senate, which means both parts of our bicameral legislature do something right once in a while — arose after a Sheetz convenience store in Altoona received a license to sell beer. It was challenged by the same people who testified at the hearing yesterday: Beer distributors. (Of course.) Distributors don’t want to lose beer sales to grocery stores, Wawas, whatever.

But everyone at the hearing agreed it’s wrong to sell beer next to milk, because… uh, I dunno.

So will we soon be able to buy a six pack at the Whole Foods or even a K-Mart? Not if House liquor control board chair Robert Donatucci has his way:

“We might want to prevent the Wal-Marts and Targets of the world [from getting licenses to sell beer],” Donatucci said. “I’m a firm believer the cashier should not be selling crackers and beer at the same time.”

Yeah! You tell ‘em, Bobby! If you want to eat crackers and beer, you gotta purchase them separately! It’s good to see a lawmaker who’s not afraid of standing up for what he believes in.

Milk, bread, eggs and … beer? [Bucks Co. Courier Times]

Pennsylvania To Finally Notify Us Of Legislators’ Names

It’s not just emergency weather week in Pennsylvania. It’s also apparently Sunshine Week and it surely will have us all saying, “Saber. ¡Es su derecho!” (Yes, the week to study emergency weather conditions and “Sunshine Week” take place at the same time. Nobody ever said this state didn’t have a sense of humor.)

Sunshine Week is the one time of the year when politicians tell us we have a right to know what they’re spending our money on. (The other 51 weeks, they go all Mark B. Cohen on us.) In Pennsylvania, which has the worst open-records laws in the country, politicians are slowly attempting to make the state more, ah, sunshine-y.

One of those is new Democratic State Rep. Tim Mahoney of Fayette County, who campaigned on improving right-to-know laws. And actually won! (Wow. The rest of the state has some amusing ideas on why you should vote for someone, instead of just how much one sees the candidate on television.)

As part of a toast to Sunshine Week, I’d like to propose this toast: “Saber. ¡Es su derecho!”

Pa. leaders begin efforts to expand open-records laws [Inquirer]
March 5: Mark B. Cohen Doesn’t Want You To Know He’s Secretly Funding Phillyblog’s Server Bills

Mark B. Cohen Doesn’t Want You To Know He’s Secretly Funding Phillyblog’s Server Bills

Mark B. Cohen is back in the news! Yes! The voracious reader, extender of lifespans, hardcore Phillyblog supporter/Phillyblog Day proposer, Mayor of the Internet and — most importantly — one of Philadelphia Will Do’s People of the Year is now at it again, hoping he can find ways to stop you from knowing how he spends your money. (Please that Cohen spent $28,000 on books over two years; one of them was AOL For Dummies, clearly the most important thing for any legislator to read.)

In his column today on the “reforms” enacted by the state legislature, Daily News columnist John Baer notes Cohen’s lone dissent on a bill that would post House expense reports online:

My personal favorite, putting all expenses online, won commission approval by a vote of 23-1. The one “no” was Philly’s Mark Cohen, the Babe Ruth of spending, the king of per diems, he who built a personal library with taxpayer money. [...] Cohen says making expenses easily accessible provides “a wonderful source of gossip… reporters can write endless stories on this.”

I know, can you imagine the gossip? “Ooooh, did you hear what Mark B. Cohen did? He spent $28 on a lunch at Sizzler and expensed it!” “Ohmigod! I gotta call Tammy!”

John Baer | Harrisburg digging its way out of the muck [Daily News]
Archives: Mark B. Cohen

Democrats Wasting Money Faster Than Republicans

Hey! Do you know much aides in state government make? If you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance they make more than you! (Note to potential advertisers: This is a joke. The average income of a Philadelphia Will Do reader is approximately $200,000, all of it in disposable income.)

Figures released yesterday show the Democrats, surprise surprise, pay their employees more than the Republicans do. The Republicans, on the other hand, make their employees work Christmas Eve and don’t give them health insurance, leading to the death of 17 children named Tiny Tim. Also all of the Democratic employees are illegal immigrants.

House Democratic employees are costing taxpayers $34.5 million a year for their 835 employees, with an average salary of $41,261.

House Republicans, on the other hand, are spending $30.9 million on payroll annually for their 839 employees, with an average salary of $36,912.

House Democrats handed out $1,854,505 in bonuses last year to employees, nearly seven times higher than House Republicans’ $269,661.

The difference was reversed in 2005, when House Republicans handed out $649,661 in employee bonuses, compared with House Democrats’ lesser $468,271.

You know, the Republicans have done a nice job of winning the spending (or, if you wish, wasting) money war on the national level. But it’s good to see that, at least in this state, the Democrats are still on top of their game. My philosophy is: The more the government spends money, the funnier it gets. So, really, these totals can only mean good things for this blog.

House Democrats paying staff more than Republicans [Bucks County Courier Times]

Independent Speaker To Piss Off Everyone, Hopefully

Newly elected State House Speaker/professional soul stealer Denny O’Brien is in an interesting position: He’s the Republican Speaker of the House, but the Democrats hold a one-seat edge.

As you may remember, ex-Speaker — and current “Speaker Emeritus,” a new title somebody made up to make him feel better — John Perzel had a naked, sex-crazed legislator agree to vote for him so he could stay as Speaker. But then the Democrats came up with a trick of their own and randomly nominated Denny O’Brien as Speaker, getting some Republicans to vote for him instead of Perzel and giving the Democrats a chance to still have some power.

Of course, this leaves O’Brien in a tough position. He’s a Republican, so he’s not going to defer to the Democrats too much, I assume, or else the party will find someone to run against him in Northeast Philly (or something). But if he defers to the Republicans too much, the Democrats will just find somebody else to put in that spot. And if he’s totally 100 percent independent and fair, both parties are going to be begging for John Perzel to be back by the summer. (If both parties are pissed, you know he’s doing a good job.)

He tells KYW 1060’s Tony Romeo, though, he’s going to go the independent route:

“So those who see only weakness in the speaker model, do not confuse independence with ineffectiveness. To those who seek only to preserve the status quo, the public has spoken and continues to speak loudly: no more.” [Do you really think the public speaks in such angry, simple, vapid terms? Wait, that makes sense. —ed.]

O’Brien says his role as a speaker of the minority party represents a “paradigm shift” in House governance, one where the speaker will not give up authority but instead will administer it fairly across the board.

Administer it fairly across the board, eh? I give him six months until both parties hire a pack of wild dogs to tear him apart.

New Pa. House Speaker Highlights His ”Independence” [KYW 1060]

York Co. Dem.: Idea Not Fucktastic, But Important

Now that the State House is Democratic — barely — our blue legislators in Harrisburg are attempting to reform redistricting and eliminate gerrymandered state and congressional seats.

Certainly not the biggest issue in the world, but getting rid of gerrymandered districts is a good idea. One lawmaker, York County Democrat Eugene DePasquale, explained why it was such a crucial issue to take on:

“Austin Powers may not consider redistricting reform the most ’shagadelic’ issue. But I believe it’s the most important reform issue.”

Later, he added: “If we don’t end gerrymandering, our state will sink just like the Titanic — the ship from the movie Titanic!”

Lawmakers target gerrymandering [Bucks County Courier Times]