Starbucks To Harass Philadelphians With Fake Coffee Cup Disasters

Press release received earlier today:

This holiday season Starbucks and Zipcar are teaming up to reward good Samaritans in Philadelphia. Zipcar will be driving around the City with life size magnetic versions of Starbucks signature red holiday cups attached to their roofs. When individuals stop to warn the drives about their coffee cup, drivers will then reward that person with a free Starbucks gift card.

If you have any further questions, please let me know.

Um, yes, I have a question: What the hell??

Here is a suggestion: Anyone who sees these should simply grab the coffee cup off the roof and run away. (If it’s possible.)

Keeping Mum In Important Situations

“We’ve been asked not to the speak to the press,” he said.

Ooh, what juicy story is this about?

Oh.

And on the hit list is the Starbucks kiosk at the Cherry Hill Mall. Employees, so-called “baristas,” were given notice on Friday.

Yes, the public shall never know why this particular mall kiosk closed. There is some hope, though; if only a Cherry Hill Starbucks version of Deep Throat were to emerge.

What’s also great about this Inquirer article is how “Pennsylvania has dodged the bullet” since no Starbucks are closing here — yet. I think I’m going to faint.

Bad news brewing; S.J. Starbucks to close [Inquirer]