Action News Nearly Slanders Innocent Squirrel

Squirrel Goes Berserk in Germany [AP/6 ABC]

If Only Everyone Had Squirrel Guns

Last week I wondered why the ceremony honoring “Justice Month” — which was March — was March 29. Surely it’s be better to hold it at the beginning of the month, no?

Well, perhaps we all now know why. In today’s Inquirer, Patrick Kerkstra gives us a little snippet of one of Justice Month’s leaders speech:

Somewhere in the middle of Judith Trustone’s lengthy lecture to City Council last week on the evils of the prison-industrial complex, she unleashed this remarkable sentence: “We’ve got to talk about our lust for punishment and our obsession with guns, human-killing guns, not squirrel guns, men’s Viagra [as opposed to women's?—dmac], in a toxic planet needing a new, healthier, pro-life form of masculinity.”

I know. Just think how many people Bob Dole and Rafael Palmeiro have lead to murder due to their sponsorship of that evil blue pill. And don’t get me started on Cialis!

I do think she has a good idea there, though. In the same vein as “guns for 76ers tickets,” it’s time for “human-killing guns for squirrel guns.”

Council confronts lengthy sentences [Inquirer, 4th item]
March 27: Justice For Two Days Or So

New Jersey: Don’t Eat Squirrels. 6 ABC: This Particular Squirrel Poses No Threat.

At right is the actual photo and caption currently on 6 ABC’s website in a story headlined “Jersey Residents Warned: Don’t Eat The Squirrels.”

People in New Jersey near an old toxic waste dump in North Jersey have been warned by state officials to not eat squirrels. The old dump is being cleaned up by Ford, who allegedly dumped waste from a now-closed plant there in the 1960s and 1970s.

The article also states: “This is the first time the state has issued warnings on how much squirrel people should eat, Tom Slater, a spokesman for the Department of Health and Senior Services [said].” But if you’re interested in eating the squirrel in the photo, by all means please go ahead.

Jersey Residents Warned: Don’t Eat the Squirrels [6 ABC]

‘An Emergency! Quick, Call The TV News!’

Y’know, I’ve never had a squirrel in my house, but if I did, I’d probably call animal control.

That’s what a family in Overbook did when they found a squirrel in the fireplace. They also, apparently, contacted Action News. Who was there to capture it all on tape!

Which led to this Zapruder film-esque analysis of the video:

I can’t get the video to work, but the telestrator on the screenshots is good enough for me.

Squirrel Proves Tough Nut To Crack [6 ABC]