South St. Bridge Shuts Down Today

OMG! Over five years since a young D-Mac spent his summer getting drunk and taking photos of the South Street Bridge falling apart for the Summer Pennsylvanian, the South Street Bridge will finally close to traffic. (Follow that? Sorry that I ended up making it about myself. But, look, photos by me are still online! Neat.)

Anyway, yes, at around 9:30 this morning — after a ceremonial final walk/bike/jog/whatever across the bridge by losers — the bridge will close for two years and a $67 million demolition and reconstruction will follow. The entire South Street Bridge will be destroyed (above, you can see the raging rapids of bad Photoshop that will be now visible to the naked eye).

But not all is well with the construction! The Inquirer quotes streets commissioner Clarena Tolson: “Significant traffic congestion and travel delays are expected.” Deputy Mayor Rina Cutler tells KYW 1060: “We expect, other than special events that may occur at Penn, most people within the first week or two who will regularly drive the route will find an alternate way.” Deputy Mayor Rina Cutler is lying.

Yesterday, though, Inquirer classical music critic Peter Dobrin lamented the loss of the public canvas of the South Street Bridge and the political statements and goofy anarchist art and Bob Will Reign and El Toro stickers that lined it. And it’s thoughtful and smart and what the hell was it doing in the Inquirer? (Rimshot.)

Anyway: You have about an hour and a half to say goodbye to the South Street Bridge. If for some reason you really feel the need to do this. Then you have 2 years to bitch about traffic, then a few more years bitching about what the new design looks like. Ahh, I am excited.

We Must Destroy South St. In Order To Save It

Why, check this out: KYW 1060 reports work has finally begun on the South Street “Streetscape” project. (It shows how much time I spent on South Street that I live 2 blocks away and didn’t know this.)

The 8-month project will install new lighting, new trees — wither the gum tree? — and “more attractive sidewalks.” In that case, I can only assume they’re going to put photos of me on the sidewalks.

The photo at right (from KYW’s John McDevitt) shows that they are taking the idea of streetscaping very seriously — by tearing up the whole sidewalk in front of South Street’s most historic business, Bank of America.

South Street Facelift Begins; Completion Expected in November [KYW 1060]

What If They Had A Mardi Gras And Nobody Showed Up?

Yesterday was Mardi Gras, the day before Ash Wednesday where the nation’s Catholics revel in alcohol and debauchery before being chaste and not eating meat on Fridays for 40 days. (Except replace “Catholics” with “people” and “before being chaste and not eating meat on Fridays for 40 days” with “– and how!”)

Except, in Philly, it’s kind of a muted affair. Ever since the 2001 South Street Riots, where 80,000 drunk people jumped around and damaged some property and got arrested, there hasn’t been much of a Mardi Gras on South Street anymore. Rich Frank, the manager of Fat Tuesday’s on the street where all the hippies meet, explains:

Frank says where there may have been 80,000 people in the streets in the years leading up to 2001, there were only “about 25 people” on South Street about 11am Tuesday.

Fortunately for Frank, those 25 people each drank 17 cases of beer, so he had a pretty good sales day anyway.

On South St., Another Year of Muted Revelry [KYW 1060]

How To Make A Killing In Business

The Inquirer profiled Harry’s Occult Shop in Sunday’s paper, part of the paper’s attempt to reclaim the magic of the paper’s glory days by re-writing the same stories from its glory days. (Bada-bing!)

The Harry’s article (by Julie Stoiber) is actually pretty decent. Here’s what I learned: Apparently, these kinds of shops used to be everywhere. Awesome. One of Harry’s most prominent products is for “court case ritual,” so whenever big lawyers need to win cases, I guess they go there.

The article also contains this awesome quote from Harry’s worker Chac-Mool, regarding the store’s clientèle:

“With politicians, sometimes we have to take the stuff out where they’re parked,” he said. “They don’t want to be seen.”

Awesome. The idea that our politicians are buying white magic materials — instead of something sensible like putting a statue of Mary in their windows to prevent rain — makes me feel that the city’s gun violence problem will be solved any day now.

Of course, our politicians are probably using magic to try to end violence, as opposed to Shane Brown:

Retiree Mary Armour, 62, of North Philadelphia, is among the customers who turn to Harry’s staff of readers, priestesses and advisers. She wanted Double Jinx Remover Bath. Shane Brown, 32, an undertaker with a new business, was looking for something “to get the business to pick up and stay up.”

Are you kidding? People are dying to use Shane Brown’s services. Sorry, sorry.

For hexed or vexed, a store casts its spell [Inquirer]

Smoking Under The Stars

Hey, South Street Headhouse District, what movie are you showing on August 30?

Cheech and Chong. Awesome. Wait, but which movie is it?

Movies at The Headhouse! [SouthStreet.com]
Cheech and Chong [Wikipedia]

Where Do All the Rockys Meet?

Now that it’s not a done deal that the Rocky statue will grace the outside of the Art Museum, other parts of the city are chiming in to say that they would like to be a surrogate caretaker of the statue.

To wit: The South Street Headhouse District wants to install the statue at 2nd and South. Yes, the island in the middle of the street — the one that’s surrounded by parked cars most of the time — has been touted as a possible location for the statue.

And why would it be a good location for the statue? SSHD Executive Director Dave Hammond explains:

In describing South Street as the “hippest street in town,” Hammond said the intersection of Second and South streets attracts some of the city’s biggest crowds.

He proposed putting the statue on the large traffic island there, which is passed daily by the amphibious Duck rides, the trolley, buses and horse-drawn carriages.

“Tourists would know where to find the statue,” Hammond said. “And could make their way back to South Street upon completion of their tour and get their picture taken with Rocky.”

Just what we need: The Rocky statue surrounded by a thousand quacking tourists.

South St. pining for Rocky [Metro]
Yesterday: An Oop De Doo For ‘Rocky’

Monday + Rain = MAYHEM!

If there’s weather in this town, people are clearly going to go crazy. When it snows, people buy up all the bread in the ACME. When it’s 100 degrees, people act as if they’re on the surface of the sun. And when it rains, people drive like a newly-licensed 16-year-old at the wheel of a Corvette.

As such, the morning rush hour is a disaster! The westbound Schuylkill Expressway is closed in Center City and there’s a gaper delay on the eastbound side (in addition to the usual traffic). According to TV (Good Day Philadelphia, natch), there are “big tow trucks.” Let’s hope they open it before 8:15 p.m. this time.

Additionally, South Street between the bridge and 27th Street is closed due to a “giant hole.” Hooray for weather!

Schuylkill Closed, Rain And Icy Mix Falling [NBC 10]
Jan. 18: Apocalypse Philadelphia: The Xylene Spill