Your Lead Of The Year

In other news, we just lost power here at PW, and so my laptop is going to run out of power eventually. (Internet still works.) I’ll be moving locations and shall be back soon.

Update: OMG I just remembered the Obama office is above us. TERRORIST ATTACK BY JOHN MCCAIN!!!

Group To Announce Discovery Of Bigfoot [CBS 3]

Friday Afternoon Chat Fun

John: What kind of outrageous crime could I commit to get Booker off the front page?

John: Right now, the only thing I can come up with is “murder Chris Booker”
Dan: Well, a plane crash got on the front page yesterday, but that’s no fun.
Dan: Ooh, you could do an online survey of the top 10 something!
Dan: Even better, you could do a survey of the worst 10 American cities for [whatever] and put Philly #1!
John: Done and done.
Dan: Wait, murdering Chris Booker sounds much better. I didn’t mean to discourage you. Also, what’s Booker like? I only vaguely remember him from 120 Minutes. I’m pretty sure I should hate him, but I want to know why.

Please note: Philadelphia Will Do actively discourages you from murdering Chris Booker.

A Warning To Upcoming Fringe Festival Performers

The Fringe Festival — officially the “Live Arts Festival & Philly Fringe,” but I’ll call it whatever the hell I want it to — starts the last day of August, and I figured I’d pass on a little tidbit of advice beforehand to all the performers.

Don’t have your act go like this:

EDINBURGH (AFP) - A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf”, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances. The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required. He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

Okay. Keep the vacuum cleaners off your penises — or your breasts and vagina, I’d assume — and use them to keep the venues clean instead. Or, you know, let the glue dry first. Just a little word of advice.

British dwarf’s penis gets stuck to hoover [AFP/Yahoo!]

Avoid The Floyd

It’s official, boys and girls: Slowest news day ever.

In search of Floyds [Daily News]

Who Ya Gonna Call? Not Psychics, Apparently

Not content to simply let it be a fad on television shows, the Philadelphia Police Department has apparently turned to psychics to solve their hardest cases.

Well, maybe. The article begins with a case that, uh, wasn’t really solved by psychic Valerie Morrison in 1993, and the detective who went to her in the first place said the police suspected the woman who Morrison fingered as the culprit. (Morrison, of course, takes credit.)

After that, it’s… uhm… well… since the lead to the article is a case is in 1993, you can guess how often the Philly police department consults psychics.

However, apparently the missing persons case of Danielle Imbo and Richard Petrone brought out the psychics, who gave the family tips that the couple was dead in the river, that Petrone was working at a Camden shipyard unnoticed and that Imbo was a Jane Doe in a hospital somewhere. Erhm.

But, hey, that one psychic fingered a mother in the murder of her child. Who ever would have been able to just guess that one!

Turning to psychics [Daily News]

Your Second Puppy Post Of The Day

In case you’re wondering: The comment says it’s from a breeder, not a pet store or anything.

NBC 10 shows its puppy love

NBC 10? All over the dog beat today, which means they’re on the Philadelphia Will Do beat, which means, uhm, I link to them.

First off, we have the tale of a doggy (left) in South Jersey that ran away after a car accident. But! After being missing for 10 days, he returned home, which was three miles away from the accident scene! And for a regular run-of-the-mill mutt (I think), he has quite a cute face.

Then, there’s a syndicated story about a group of sick dogs who were dumped by the side of the road. (This happened in Missouri, and one resident says, “Nobody in these parts likes to see animals mistreated at all.”) But, it’s okay, they were picked up and after the story made headlines four of the pups were adopted.

Slow news day? Well, yes, if you’re a Philadelphian who wants to report on non-Ben Franklin stories. It happens.

South Jersey Dog Makes Incredible Journey Home [NBC 10]
Several Sick Dogs Dumped On Couch Near Road [Internet Broadcasting Systems via NBC 10]