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Larry: No Sex With Alycia

Hey, that Phillymag with the article about Dawn Stensland (Fox 29 anchor, wife of Larry Mendte, etc.) finally arrived in my mailbox; credit to the paper for actually getting to the only possibly interesting thing about the story in the second section, so I could stop reading it.

Today, Dawn says she believes Larry when he says the relationship between him and Lane was inappropriately close, and included kissing, but the two did not have sex.

And if you believe that, I have an issue of Phillymag to sell you. Then again, if everyone in the TV news business is going to act like 13-year-olds, maybe people only get to second base.

Breaking: Woman Dates Older Man

120308sugardaddy.jpg Joel recently tipped me to this incredibly unremarkable story from The Daily Beastremember them?1 — about a Philadelphia college girl dating an old guy for money, power and related descriptions.

Oh man. Stop the presses! Read this, skip that! (That’s apparently The Beast’s slogan.) Anyway, the story is pretty normal except the pseudonymous author and her unnamed sugar daddy might as well have drawn up a contract on their first date the whole situation was so boring. It also contains awesome sentences like, “We went to Atlantic City for a weekend and stayed at the Borgata, the poshest hotel in town” and “How many other college students are wearing Christian Louboutins to class?”

But my favorite part is her first rule: “My stipulations were that I wanted to wait until I knew him better before we had sex[.]” You can pay me to be your girlfriend, but you are not getting in my panties for a few months. It’s nice to see some people still have principles.

1 Note that story: Will the Bill Ayers link doom Obama? Great prediction.

Ben Franklin, Abstinence Educator

It’s been over two years since I posted the above video, so I’ll hope you’ll forgive me if I run it again now.

Truly, there is nothing funnier than Monty Python knockoff animation (and even that’s being generous) where noted sex-hound Ben Franklin tells kids not to have sex. And then ruins sex by making them think of Ben Franklin every time they have it mwahahaha!! Er, sorry, I’m done.

No ‘Porno’ On SEPTA

I didn’ t know this because I’m not in high school anymore1, but apparently Kevin Smith has a new movie coming out! It’s called Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and that last word is upsetting people who had nothing better to do.

Even in this time of economic crisis, newspapers, transit agencies and billboard companies across this fair country have rejected ads for Zack and Miri Make a Porno because of the word porno. And Philadelphia? Oh you better believe Philadelphia is in on this game:

Rina Cutler, Philadelphia deputy mayor for transportation, said the stick-figure posters were cute and clever but unacceptable for bus shelters where schoolchildren would see the word “porno.”

“If they want to call the movie ‘Zack and Miri,’ that’s fine, but Zack and Miri cannot make a porno on my bus shelters,” Cutler said.

Crap. There goes my cash-generating idea, Busty Bus Stop Vixens. Back to the drawing board.

1 I did like Clerks 2, though.

A Perspective-Changing Event

Your lead of the day, courtesy of the Daily Pennsylvanian:

Meg Ryan closed her eyes, tilted her head back and moaned, “Oh god, oh god.” She appeared to be experiencing an orgasm - but unknown to most men, she was faking it.

Just think, men, how far we’ve come since 1989.

This article also contains the following sentence: “For example, masturbation does not cause deformities.” I kind of miss covering events that would allow me to write awesome leads and sentences like these.

Also: “‘It totally changed my perspective on the vagina,’ College freshman Mathew Lazarus said.”

Sex Educators Demystify Orgasms [DP]

The Metro is Into Mature Asians

From the front cover of today’s Metro:

Mature Asian

What?

Statistics: Fast is Good [Metro]

DA Candidate A Total Boyfriend Experience

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The Daily News‘ Dave Davies wrote yesterday about the candidates for district attorney, the first race since William Penn was governor that there isn’t an incumbent in the race. (The reference Davies uses is, “Ronald Reagan was president and the Eagles quarterback was Ron Jaworski.” And while Philadelphians voted, Wilson Goode was dropping C4 on voting booths!)

One of the potential candidates is Daniel McCaffery, the brother of noted attention hound Seamus McCaffery, who rode Eagles Court all the way to the state Supreme Court.

Here’s why our boy Daniel (good name, by the way) is absolutely getting the Democratic nomination:

“After I left the D.A.’s office in ‘96, I went to work for Democratic city committee and have been pro bono counsel for the last 12 years,” McCaffery said. “I’ve serviced just about every elected official and ward leader, and I’ve been involved in every one of my brother’s campaigns.’ “

Humm. Well, that’s quite a work ethic. Bodes well for his time in the DA’s office.

Scramble for open D.A. seat begins [Daily News]

Trooper Not Into Any Kinky Stuff

So, um, this is my favorite part of the story about the state trooper who tried to set up a meeting for sex with an undercover detective. Well, he thought it was a mom and her little girls.

Silveri asked what he would be allowed to do with the children and if there would be “limits.”

“Im not into any really weird stuff,” he allegedly wrote, “like crapping on someone or cutting them or that sort of stuff.”

Well, that’s a relief, at least. Oh, yeah, Albert Silveri III was arrested. He had smartly allegedly used his state-issued laptop to talk with fake little girls online, too!

Trooper accused of arranging child-sex meeting [Daily News]

More Fun With Philly.com

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Hell, I didn’t even think there was consensual sexual activity on the Main Line.

The only real drawback today is this story doesn’t have comments.

Buxco Teen/Parent Sex Romp

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Above are the mugshots of Lynne Long (left) and Angela Honeycutt, who were charged yesterday with several crimes stemming from a sleepover at Long’s house in Lower Makefield. Honeycutt allegedly had sex with a 15-year-old in the shower while Long encouraged other kids there to listen in.

The woman, a friend of the mother whose son hosted the April 11 party, allegedly talked sex with the boys and kissed a 15-year-old boy before saying, “Who wants to take a shower?”

She then had intercourse with the teen in the shower and later engaged in sexual acts with a 14-year-old boy in the shower, police said.

All the while, the homeowner and mother of the party’s host was listening with some of the boys — ages 14 to 16 — to the moaning in the bathroom, police said. The mother allegedly told the boys, “You can’t tell anyone.”

They’re both charged with a litany of crimes, as you might’ve be able to guess. Conversations involving the word MILF are at present up 900 percent in the area.

Cops: Teen sleepover became sex romp [Bucks County Courier Times]