Defendant Tries ‘Giant Penis’ Defense

The lawyer for a Lansdale man accused of raping a 13-year-old girl wants to have a plaster cast made of his client’s penis to use as evidence at his trial that he didn’t commit the crime.

His defense lawyer, Marvin Gold of Hatboro, on Thursday explained his reasoning behind seeking the cast. He said that his client’s penis is apparently “extremely large.”

Gold also told the court — all of this really actually happened — “It occurs to me that, given my client’s size, it’s unusual there were no injuries.” It appears we’ve stumbled upon the “my penis is too large to commit rape” defense, a close cousin of the “I’m too pretty to rape someone” defense. Classy!

The defense lawyer for Ronald McDade asked last month how he should display his client’s genitals to the jury; after the judge acquiesced to a photo of his penis, the lawyer came up with the idea for a giant plaster dildo. Prison officials refused.

The prosecution is, naturally, opposed to the idea, saying that McDade’s “demand to provide the defendant privacy in prison so that he may… make a plaster cast of his erect penis is outrageous, offensive, and sensational. It makes a mockery of the criminal justice system and this court.” Hmm.

DA opposed plaster in rape case [The Intelligencer]

More Police Sketch Madness

So far in 2008, we’ve had quite a few police sketches of creepy-looking characters. Paleface, of course, and King Tut as well. Earlier this week the police released new sketches of a man accused in four sexual assaults and one murder in Fairmount Park from 2003 to 2007.

As a public service, I’ve posted the various sketches above. Basically, I want to keep chronicling all the police sketches this year, and by the end we will have a whole art collection of the scariest-looking criminals in the area.

New Sketch Of Fairmount Park Rapist Released [CBS 3]

Vampire/Werewolf Hybrid Captured In Pa.

A Pottsville man convinced a 15-year-old girl he was part werewolf and part vampire before sexually assaulting her, police say.

It’s good to know it’s not just Bigfoot who lives in Pennsylvania! The above lead comes from The Morning Call of Allentown, which reports on the arrest of 19-year-old Kristian Carl for statutory sexual assault. The teen also apparently believed he was a werewolf/vampire hybrid (informally a werepire).

Pottsville police Sgt. James Joos said Carl “showed me his canine teeth” to prove he was a vampire. He also noted to The Morning Call: “I let him know that all mammals, including humans, have canine teeth.” The police have doubts that Carl was really a vamp/wolf hybrid (for some reason), but he did apparently know the girl was 15 and he had to wait a year before consummating their relationship.

Carl also believed he had a guardian dragon. That part is true, too, but the dragon is on vacation this month and wasn’t there to stop Sgt. Joos. Carl is also the re-incarnated starting quarterback of the 1925 Pottsville Maroons.

Update: Be sure to check out the comments section, where death is suggested as a valid punishment for a 19-year-old having sex with his 15-year-old girlfriend.

Unearthly assault alleged [Morning Call]
29 Oct 07: Bigfoot Enthusiast Says Photo Is Bigfoot

Pedophiles Stealing Your Wireless!

Ohh, no, are pedophiles tapping your wireless? Are rapists stealing your water? Are mobsters watching your television? Are identity thieves putting moths in your closet? Are… dudes… holding giant chainsaws outside of your house searching for wireless somehow? Where are these other stories, Inquirer?

(By the way, I could see this story exploding nationally if AP picks it up. Please, guys, do it!)

Ultra-Disgusting Local Child Sex Attempt!

You may have heard already about the ex-York teacher arrested for soliciting sex with a woman and her daughters online. He thought it was a woman and her daughters; unluckily for him, it was a police officer.

Anyway, the overview of the story is much less creepy than the details. Take it away, Delco Times!

Found in the vehicle were three bottles of Merlot; one four-pack of white Zinfandel wine; one four-pack white Merlot wine; a Christmas card for the mother he thought he was meeting, which contained a lottery ticket dated Jan. 12; one Hannah Montana CD wrapped in Christmas paper; one Hannah Montana video game wrapped in Christmas paper; Viagra; condoms; one Ziploc plastic bag containing condoms; KY warming jelly; and a disposable camera. [...] “When do you think she will be able to enjoy sex?” he asked, regarding the 9-year-old.

Ew. Anyway, this dude will probably die in jail or something, but nobody will care because, well, we don’t care about what happens to people once they’re in jail.

Alleged Perv Priest Apparently Found Me Ugly

Oh, yeah, that priest from Ryan who allegedly stole $900k and molested three students? I was an altar boy for him.

I don’t actually remember much about the priest, Rev. Charles Newman, who was president of Archbishop Ryan High School and said mass at my parish, St. Martha. He actually never said much to us; everybody went to his masses because he said them fast.

Anyway, yeah, so: The alleged molester priest did not molest me. Hooray! NBC 10 has the Archdiocese of Philadelphia’s statement on the issue; they confirm the abuse took place, pretty much.