Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Philadelphia mayoral hopefuls have found a way around the campaign finance reform laws. It was so obviously going to happen even the mock outrage isn’t good enough for a joke here.

John Baer: Speaking of mock outrage, here’s another column mockingly outraged about politics. In this case, it’s the state legislature.

Rotan Lee: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! ALL CAPITAL LETTERS! VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER! JOHNNY DOC! FOURTH STREET DELI! ENOUGH!

Les Bowen (In a rare news column appearance!): Rick Tocchet was awesome. Now he’s slightly less awesome.

Abridged Daily News columnists

Jill Porter: The first two sentences of the column on Samuel Alito: “Whenever I need solace, I seek out water: the kind that rolls onto a sandy shore, or the kind that’s frozen in cubes in a glass of strong spirits. Earlier this week, though, I sought refuge in a place with neither beaches nor booze: at the Foucault Pendulum at the Franklin Institute.”

John Baer: Clearly, this column was filed before the end of the State of the Union, because a SOTU column without a mention of Bush’s proposed ban on animal-human hybrids did not accurately recap the event.

Rotan Lee: ERROR DIVIDE BY ZERO: THIS IS A NEWS STORY, NOT A COLUMN.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: You know, if you want to know what this column is all about, you can just read Jenice Armstrong’s column from yesterday. It’s essentially the same thing.

Rotan Lee: There are these people called “gays” and they’d like equal rights. I believe I am the first person ever to report on this.

Abridged Daily News columnists (Apocalypse free!)

Jill Porter: Sometimes, in order to get done their jobs faster, members of the Delaware River Port Authority lock the gates early on the Ben Franklin Bridge — and, of course, they occasionally trap people inside! Now that’s a great Philadelphia work ethic!

Rotan Lee: Future Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito could change Roe v. Wade, then again he could not. Some people have opinions for abortion, and some people have opinions against abortion, though it seems that the Supreme Court will get to decide — or maybe they won’t.

Abridged Daily News columnists

Jill Porter: As usual, I, Jill Porter, righter of wrongs, fighter for the poor, champion of the underrepresented, has solved a terrible injustice in our community. Congratulations to me!

Rotan Lee: Here is a list of black people in the area who have done good. “I intend to write about them occasionally, exposing their intellectual and spiritual incandescence.”

Christine Flowers: Because a South Korean scientist fabricated data, evolution is wrong and intelligent design is right! Anyone who disagrees with me is a moron.

Abridged Daily News columnists

Just one today, folks. But that’s one more than yesterday!

Rotan Lee: Aww, come on — cracker isn’t that bad of a racial slur! And Carl Singley apologized, pretty pretty please let him have his job with the school district back!

Abridged Daily News columnists

Two sentences or less. Reading ‘em so you don’t have to.

Jill Porter: Holy shit, Department of Human Services is doing a good job! This story ought to lead the paper — and it does.

Rotan Lee: There was this court decision, oh, in the 1970’s, perhaps you’ve heard of it? Roe v. Wade, it’s called, and I know it’s rather obscure, but it deals with this procedure called “abortion.”