Abridged Daily News Columnists

There are three Obama columns today from three different columnists. Oh God.

Elmer Smith: This is your standard ‘go talk to older black people about Obama’ story, but Smith gets some good quotes and talks with a 103-year-old woman.

John Baer: Good point in Baer’s column about people saying the speech wasn’t that good (he says it was okay): Who cares, the whole event was quite a spectacle.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Polaneczky went to DC for the inauguration and was moved.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Ha, a cop asked a woman about her weight after pulling her over. And it’s official police protocol! Wait, what?

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, Obama rode a train over the weekend to his inauguration. Choo choo!

John Baer: Obama speech preview! What will make it memorable, John Baer, writes? I hope he brings out Karl Marx. Oh, wait, he’s going to quote FDR and Reagan. Yawn.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: What’s a good way to start off your presidency when the economy is in shambles? Ahh, yes, a ridiculously expensive inauguration celebration!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hmm, yes gay men aren’t allowed to give blood. But if we allow them to, what will high schoolers titter at when filling out the form at the blood drive they’re attending to get out of class?

Stu Bykofsky: “I crave a Pittsburgh-Philadelphia showdown, because it would make the Keystone State a winner no matter what. We could use some good news.” I have no idea who would be excited in Philadelphia if the Eagles lost in the Super Bowl, even if it was to the Steelers. Oh, and this column contains a reference to that noted box office and critical disaster, Pay it Forward!

Michael Smerconish: Ooh, look how excited Michael Smerconish is! He gets to write about the Fumo trial — but can really just write about himself, since the prosecution played an interview of Fumo from Smerconish’s radio show!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Whoa, a law meant to “protect the children” was poorly-written, dubiously-interpreted and has the possibility to make things worse, for everyone?

But whatever. Ms. Polaneczky wants our children to die of lead poisoning, best I can tell. (This is usually the counter-argument in these situations. No, really.)

Elmer Smith: Umm, yes, in politics the less powerful guys take the fall and guys like Vince Fumo will probably end up being found not guilty. Um, guys, is it super obvious day at the paper?

(Both of these columns today are perfectly fine. Meh, these days are no fun.)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Some guy had a sign at a rally outside the Israeli consulate that equated the Star of David with a Nazi swastika. Ha ha, get it? Anyway, apparently he didn’t know the swastika was an evil symbol and threw the sign away or whatever.

I’m tempted to say that what happened next could have happened only in Philly, where our Quaker-bred approach to conflict resolution can, at its best, defuse the most potentially explosive confrontations.

But then I’d have to admit that the incident itself could have happened only in Philly, where our cultural insularity can, at its worst, create conflicts that wouldn’t have been created if we’d known better.

Yeah, Jews and Muslims don’t really have tensions elsewhere.

By the way, did you guys see that one Mummers group where the guy held up his hardhat with a Confederate flag on it? Yeah, me too.

Elmer Smith: Hey, a prediction column. Only it’s also making points, you see. And he mentions ending the Cuban embargo, yay!

John Baer: New legislature members are sworn in today. And, look, they’re proposing new taxes on smokeless tobacco and cigars. While admitting I haven’t looked into it, let’s pontificate here: Taxes on smokeless tobacco, cigars, etc., should probably be lower than ones on cigarettes; they demonstrably do less harm since people who use them usually smoke less. Anyway, whatever, in this case the state is putting an extra tax on cigars and the like, which sucks for cigar smokers but not for me. And it’s probably better than raising taxes on cigarettes again, because (wild guess, could be wrong) cigarette smokers would tend to be poorer than people who chew or dip or smoke cigars. Ew, I always forget there are more disgusting ways of using tobacco than cigars.

Where was I? Oh, right, the legislature. Rendell doesn’t want a broad tax increase, but he’s all for making the cigar smokers pay through the roof! By the way, a comment on that York Daily Record story linked above, by “Black Insane Omama”: “Cut welfare benefits. Make the brothers and sisthas work for once.” No matter what the story is on the Internet, somebody will post something racist after it.

Fatimah Ali: Oh, man, it’s a Fatimah Ali column bemoaning the destruction of the family that encourages people to “Get straight with God.” Right. Anyway, this column is kind of awesome:

President-elect Obama faces incredibly high expectations when he takes office on Jan. 20, and I’m relieved that he’s making the bleak economy his No. 1 priority because that focus is long overdue.

He’s also setting a fine example for the rest of the nation with how he conducts himself as a husband and a father. One of the many things that helped him win election was his intolerance for drama, which earned him the nickname “No Drama Obama.” I’m certain his philosophy also applies to his family, which appears to be harmonious, well-run and disciplined.

How can I even comment on this, or summarize it? Who sees Obama and wonders if he makes his kids take a time out when they misbehave?

OBAMA, himself the child of a single-parent household, caught a lot of flak when he called on black fathers to take more responsibility for their children.

OBAMA? I love that it’s all capital letters. Barack Obama should start using just that as his name. Also: Did he really take flak? I have to imagine the next president wouldn’t be risking too much criticism when asking people to take more responsibility (especially if it’s for children!).

This column also recommends a book by Rev. Run.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Former Eagles running back Ricky Watters is a crusader for, uhm, adoption! This is really a fun story, especially when Watters and his wife adopt a half-Korean, half-Nigerian baby with “this big afro,” as Watters puts it. (Of course, Watters and his wife probably can afford to adopt, since he played many seasons of professional football.)

John Baer: Gimmick column alert! And it also has a lot of stale jokes, and every entry is pretty much what you’d expect. It’s the holidays, though, so it’s all good.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Polaneczky, meanwhile, writes from Warsaw, Poland, and says that Pols (Polish people, I guess, not politicians) are praising Poland’s president’s decision to visit a synagogue. Yay! Um, what?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: 30 years ago, a nun scared away some tough youths by saying she was from Philadelphia.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, boy, Michael Smerconish does not care for the hooking up and the casual sex and the hippity hop and the “i”-Pods and the hey hey. Also he thinks it’s especially bad for women, he hints, because if there’s one person who know what’s best for you, ladies, it’s Michael Smerconish.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Holy crap guys, did you know that 40 years ago today Eagles fans threw snowballs at Neil Armstrong, dressed as Santa Claus, who less than one year later would walk on the moon?!

Stu Bykofsky: Stu’s full column today, apparently:

INSIDE: 12-page

Eagles pullout.

Stu Bykofsky has the day off.

Little short, but I dunno, I kinda like it!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: The only interesting sentence in this column is this: “THE IDEA IS not to train you in anything. The idea is to comply with some ruling or some edict that the state or the company has laid down.” It’s a quote, obviously.

Update: A friend writes in: “I read your Smerconish comment this morning but you didn’t say anything about him spilling eggnog on a female coworker’s hooters.” Okay, there’s also this:

Say you spill your eggnog on the hooters of some woman you work with. You can’t wipe it off ’cause maybe she wouldn’t like that.

Ronnie Polaneczky: This story notes this injured officer says she used to run all the time at Eden Hall. Is there any police officer who doesn’t live up in the Far Northeast?

Stu Bykofsky: Woohoo, the only functioning synagogue in Iraq!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Yes! It’s part two of Stu’s trip to Israel! Check it:

Second, the blue-paint graffito on the concrete wall: “CTRL + ALT + DELETE.”

That’s computer talk for “shut down.”

ALT + TAB. That’s computer talk for I’m switching to another window and I’m done reading. (Not really Stu’s fault, but college pretty much turned me away from caring about Israel/Palestine for the rest of my life. Hooray!)

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh, man, now a pro-casino group in Fishtown has signed some community/casino partnership letter! What ever will happen next? (Answer: Nothing.)

Elmer Smith: Hey, guess what: Upstanding community members who keep their mouth closed (Marvin Harrison) are treated better than people who annoy everyone (Plaxico Burress)! Also, Mayor Bloomberg wants Burress to go to jail for 15 years. Good to see we’re using jail space wisely!

John Baer: Yes! Sarah Palin is here for the governors’ meeting today. Also Ed Rendell should probably try to fix the state’s budget himself before he goes whining to Obama for New Deal II: Deal Harder.