Philly Woman One-Ups Lorena

Yes, the biggest story in the Daily News — and, yes, the city — today is the woman who ripped her husband’s balls off with her bare hands.

Cue male readers (and this male writer): Owwwww.

The Daily News — who, in addition to the cover, wrote “A GENITAL REMINDER” as the inside head — describes the man’s Tuesday night attack as such:

The Nicetown man said he had been sleeping peacefully in the couple’s bed Tuesday night when his wife pounced on him without warning, grabbed his groin, dug her manicured fingernails in and flayed him, leaving his gore-slicked gonads dangling much lower than normal.

“She didn’t use no weapon - this was just sheer brute strength and fingernails. She grabbed me by my [scrotum] and ripped it apart with her bare hands,” Randolph said yesterday from his hospital bed at Albert Einstein Medical Center, where he was in stable condition with stitched and bandaged genitals. [...]

Talk about a strict violation of the penal code.

Howard Randolph said his wife tore “everything out of the sac and all the skin away.”

Just the thought triggers most men to hunch over and wince, but Randolph said he felt “fine” yesterday thanks to the morphine that doctors administered.

What does this teach us? 1) If a woman throws a steel chair at you while you’re recovering from heart surgery — as his wife did — maybe you want to be a little more careful around her. Maybe you want to leave her. And 2) Sleep with a cup on.

A GENITAL REMINDER [DN]