Princeton Virgin Beats Himself Up, Breaks Law

Of all the annoying complaints, #1 on the list has to be a rich white dude complaining about discrimination. It used to be the only white people who could legitimately complain they were being seriously discriminated against were suburban skateboarders, but now that John Street gave money to build the John Street Memorial Skate Park (actually, Franklin’s Paine, which I guess sounds better than Rizzo’s Goode), who knows anymore. But, yeah, white dudes complaining about stuff is pretty much “the Internet,” which explains a lot.

But, anyway, sometimes people complaining will go to great lengths to prove they actually are under attack. Case in point? Princeton University junior Francisco Nava, who faked an attack on himself and reported it to the police. Nava claimed the attack took place because of his conservative views. He even sent threatening emails to himself, fellow students and a professor to give his fake attack some merit!

Nava, you see, is part of the Anscombe Society, a campus group that opposes premarital sex. (It is the most popular group on Princeton’s campus.) The group has pow wows where they fantasize about small government and moving to gay-free countries like Iran, but nobody really pays much attention to them because they’re against premarital sex.

Anscombe president Kevin Staley-Joyce, though, shed some light on the situation after a meeting of the club’s virgin members to the Princeton school paper.

“He wanted something big and showy as opposed to the approach that we set out in our mission statement,” Staley-Joyce said. The statement describes Anscombe’s goals as providing “social support and a voice” for students committed to its ideals and “intellectual engagement” on campus.

Once again, a sub-par mission statement has caused more problems than it’s solved.

Cops Raid Speakeasy; Charleston Hits #1 On Dance Charts

A 49-year-old woman in Princeton was arrested for running a speakeasy.

You see, there is news this week!

A month-long investigation (!) led to the arrest of Dilma Regaldo Rios. She was charged with selling alcoholic beverages without a license, warehousing alcoholic beverages and paraphernalia and storing alcoholic beverages with the intent to sell.

It’s not known why one would sell alcohol illegally when one can sell it legally, but Rios’ court date is Jan. 9, so perhaps we can find out then. Patrons used her house as a speakeasy and as a take-out service. (Secrecy in a speakeasy isn’t as important anymore now that alcohol is legal.) On Thursday, officers executed a search warrant and confiscated $650, 14 cases of beer, one bottle of tequila and 18 limes.

It’s not known if this is the first time a lime has been identified as drug paraphernalia.

1 charged for alleged illegal alcohol operation [Trenton Times]