Old City Slogan Is Shit-Tastic!

From a press release sent out by the Old City District today (thanks, Jeff):

OLD CITY DISTRICT WELCOMES FALL WITH SIDEWALK SALE

PHILADELPHIA (September 10, 2007) – Bargain hunters, get ready for one of the greatest sales in Old City District, where shoppers can expect to find treasures from a huge variety of merchandise at the Old City Sidewalk Sale on Saturday, September 29, 2007 from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. (rain date October 6, 2007).

Take a stroll in the Hipstoric™ Old City District

Okay, stop. That’s enough. I can’t take it. Hipstoric™? And — yes, I looked it up — it’s registered with the United States Patent and Trademark Office. I can’t take it anymore. Enough, I’m done for today, possibly forever. Thanks a lot, Old City District!

Full release after the jump.

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Breaking: Penguins Don’t Want To Go To Camden

By far, this is the best press release of the year:

To all my friends in the media, good morning. Please be advised that the information below should replace any and all previous e-mail calendar listings you might have for Adventure Aquarium - specifically those listing the event formerly known as PENGUIN-PALOOZA. This event is not happening at Adventure Aquarium and all the events that are taking place are listed in the revised calendar listing below

As soon as possible please remove any information from your publications and/or websites that refer to PENGUIN-PALOOZA and replace them with the events I have listed below. Thank you so much for your efforts on this and helping us to make sure that each and every guest to your outlet is the best and most informed readers. Have a great day.

So what happened? Did the penguins escape? Did the penguins not want to go to Camden? (This seems the most likely option.) Did the penguins think “PENGUIN-PALOOZA” didn’t really make much sense either? The public demands to know!

Update: The plot thickens! Penguin Island is apparently still an attraction at the Adventure Aquarium!

Pa. Rest Stop Greatest Thing Of All Time

If you’re headed to the U.S. Open next weekend, you’ll probably take the Pennsylvania Turnpike out to Oakmont, where this year’s tournament is being held. (You could go somewhere else, but you’d have a tough time finding the U.S. Open there.)

If you do take the turnpike out to Oakmont, you’ll be happy to know there are rest stops along the way, according to this helpful press release sent to PW from HMSHost.

Come this June, Oakmont, Pennsylvania will be a welcome haven for travelers and golf buffs alike. The debut of the new and improved Oakmont Travel Plaza will please the more than 30,000 drivers expected to pass through the city during the U.S. Open Golf Tournament. Designers at HMSHost, a world leader in travel food and retail, have created new outdoor patio seating and high rooflines made of glass that maximize sunlight. Before travelers rush off to see Tiger hit the links, they’ll want to take a moment to enjoy the scenic Pennsylvania beauty and a tasty bite to eat.

Delicious meals can be found even before arriving at the Oakmont Country Club. Tee up for that long time in the sun while you watch the pros and try the Peppercorn Parmesan Turkey with Bacon sub or a fresh Raspberry Chipotle Chicken salad from Quiznos. To satisfy that sweet tooth, go to Hershey’s Ice Cream for a Butter Pecan ice cream cone or banana split. Other options include Starbucks Coffee for a rejuvenating coffee pick-me-up or Burger King for the ever classic WHOPPER®.

Stopping for refreshments can taste and feel good this summer -HMSHost is kicking off a promotion with the Coca-Cola Company and the United Service Organizations, Inc. (USO) to raise funds for a third year to support U.S. troops and families worldwide. From Memorial Day through Labor Day, HMSHost and Coca-Cola will donate $0.05 from every purchase of a 32 oz. Coke fountain soft drink at select travel plazas nationwide.

The Oakmont Travel Plaza scores a hole in one for being part of a new era of quality food and retail service that HMSHost is providing this summer, and is the first of many travel plazas that Pennsylvania travelers have to look forward to (18 total!). Remember that HMSHost makes the journey as enjoyable as the destination – even the hard to beat U.S. Open!

Buy a Coke®, support the troops! Man, this new era of quality food and retail service sure is great.

Dunkin Donuts Tomorrowland Open On South Broad

Recently, a new Dunkin’ Donuts opened at 809 S. Broad Street. On Friday, it had an open house, complete with samples of the new store’s wares and a presentation of a giant check to CAPA from the franchisee.

Why was yet another Dunkin’ Donuts (re)opening in this city a cause for so much celebration? (Well, “so much celebration” relative to the opening of other donut stores that don’t get a press release sent out.) The answer is simple: This is a Dunkin Donuts from the future.

From the press release:

As one of the first “New Concept” stores to open nationwide, some of the remodeled highlights of the Philadelphia store include:

• An updated image featuring a new logo that contemporizes the current Dunkin’ Donuts logo, but maintains the core DNA of the brand
• A new warm bakery display and a baker/merchandiser at the front counter offering samples of warm, freshly baked products throughout the day

Ooh! A new logo and… uh… freshly baked products throughout the day! And samples! Not to mention the new menu items the “Dunkin’ Brands’ culinary team” has created, including warm baked goods (muffins, danish, cookies), three varieties of flatbread sandwiches and mini breakfast pizzas.

Truly, we are living in remarkable times.

Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces New Restaurant Design and Menu at Restaurant Re-Opening in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania [PRNewswire via Philebrity]

Dalembert To Try Sport He Might Be Good At

Those of you who have been avoiding the Philadelphia 76ers because of poor play, lack of stars (Kevin Ollie! Two rookies you don’t know! Shavlik Randolph when he returns from injury!) or anything else, you no longer have an excuse.

Before the game, Samuel Dalembert is going to be racing a toy car against a monster truck tomorrow.

Yes, let’s go over this again: Dalembert is controlling a RC truck. The other guy — Marc McDonald, driver of the monster truck “Safe Auto Minimizer” — will race in his 10,000-pound truck. Dalembert will even get a crash course in how a monster truck works. Wow!

This is all good and fun — and it will be even more fun if the monster truck runs over Sammy D’s toy car — but it’s, of course, part of an ad, as the Monster Jam begins Friday at the Spectrum. But, as the release notes, the Monster Jam features “fire breathing robots, drag racing, and more.” After the fire breathing robots, that more could there be?

Full release after the jump.

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In Lieu Of Pulitzers, ‘Metro’ Sets World Record

A press release out of the Metro camp today:

New York - 8 November 2006 - Metro International has today been awarded the prestigious accolade of ‘World’s Largest Global Newspaper’, by Guinness World Records, the global leader in world records. Craig Glenday , Editor-in-Chief of Guinness World Records, presented Pelle Tornberg, Metro International’s President and CEO, with the official award at a ceremony in London on November 8th. [...]

Pelle Tornberg, President and CEO of Metro International: ” It is indeed an honour to be recognised by Guinness World Records, the pre-eminent guardian of world records.”

Full release after the jump.

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Candidate For Sheriff IS A HUGE FREAKING LIAR

Last Thursday, a press release came into the inbox from Michael Untermeyer, announcing a press conference about his candidacy for sheriff and telling the public the Rocky Statue would be there.

Today, Untermeyer sent out another press release, recapping his commitment to “professionalism, accountability and integrity” and attaching a photo from the campaign announcement:

Whoa. Wait a second. That’s just a guy painted bronze. (And they forgot a part of the pants.) And it’s a guy who doesn’t look much like Rocky at all. Is he even white? And he’s wearing red boxing gloves! And… he’s not in the Rocky Statue pose! And… wait a second, this candidate for sheriff is a huge freaking liar! This guy looks more like a statue of Clarence Weatherspoon than Rocky. Hell, it looks more like Apollo Creed than Rocky.

Looking back at his original press release, it says the “Rocky Statue” will be there. Putting it in quotes probably means he was technically not lying, but for a candidate whose campaign slogan is “a pledge of professionalism, accountability and integrity” it seems pretty weird to not explain that it wasn’t going to be the real Rocky Statue at your campaign event! And if you’re going to do that, at least use a podium that’s not from Cosi, please?

There aren’t many official political opinions here at Philadelphia Will Do. But since Untermeyer has shown that he can’t even put out a simple press release without lying — and got a horrible Rocky Statue stand-in at that — it is the official opinion of this blog that no one should vote for Michael Untermeyer come 2007. This blog does not care if the only other option is John Mark Karr, the robot from Small Wonder or Terrell Owens. You don’t lie about the Rocky statue. You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!

Full release after the jump.

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Police Nab Fuzzy, Chains, Scary Movie, Tommy Trash, Etc.

Attorney general Tom Corbett and Bucks County DA Diane Gibbons announced arlier today that law enforcement had arrested “as many as 15″ (?) suspected members of a crystal meth ring operating in Bucks Co. and Philly.

The operation was called “Breed on a Wire.” (Slamming head against desk.) Huzzah for breaking up the meth ring, but the best part of the press release is the nicknames of some of the suspected Breed members, who operated it. For example:

• John “Shameless” Kovacs
• John “Junior” Napoli
• Christopher “Slam” Quattrocchi
• James “Coffin” Fostinis
• Thomas “Tommy Trash”/”Crypt Keeper” Conner
• Kenneth “Chains” Steinmuller
• Thomas “Fuzzy” Heilman
• Frederick “Panhead Fred” Freehoff
• Charles “Ruthless” Kulow
• Bridget “Scary Movie” Dale
• James “Nazi Jimmy” Coyle Jr.
• Robert “Molly” Traverse
• David Freinier

Frinier was most likely ostracized from the fellow accused for not having a ridiculous nickname like “Fuzzy” or “Chains” or “D-Mac.”

But that’s not all! There’s also some very over-the-top details in the press release. For example, police intercepted a phone call from Napoli regarding the cops investigating him where he said “maybe someone will rape their mothers with a hot curling iron.” (Yuk, yuk.) Oh, and Steinmuller had a shrine to Hitler in his residence.

We can only imagine what “Nazi Jimmy” had in his apartment.

Full release after the jump.

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Leftovers: ‘Twins’ Residual Checks Not Enough For Danny DeVito

• Danny DeVito will be joining the cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which begins again on FX Thursday. Hollywood insiders are confident that DeVito can speed up the process of the show’s cancellation. [Daily News]

• Here’s what people did in the 1940s down the shore: “It was the height of World War II. [Al] Cunard remembers military patrols walking up and down the beaches, having to shutter the cottage’s windows in air-raid drills, even keeping a bucket of kerosene handy to wash the tarry oil from feet sullied by fuel oil that washed ashore from ships sunk by German U-boats.” Thank you, Lord, for letting my shore trips be a bit more fun. [Camden Courier-Post]

• Skateboarding is probably the only time white suburban kids feel some Michael Smerconish-approved profiling. Be very afraid, shaggy-haired teens with boards. [Daily News]

• Press release of the day: Sherman He[l]msley to attend Altoona Curve game on Wednesday, June 28. [Altoona Curve]

• Lines of the day, courtesy of George Mallet’s blog about horses: “I have a tendency to hit the saddle harder than I should when I’m posting,” and “Plus, it is always a thrill to ride a retired athlete who competed in the sport of kings.” [George's Horse Blog]

• Today’s afternoon activity is obsessively checking the Phillies box score. Down 6-0 after six — it was scoreless through 5 1/2, of course — the Phillies tied it in the ninth on a solo shot by Chase Utley. First homer rookie sensation Jon Papelbon’s allowed all year. Now let’s cross our fingers… [Yahoo! Sports]

Non-Escape From Philly Prison

This came across our email box on Saturday:

Inmate Worker Escapes from Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility

Prison Officials discovered this morning that George Wheeler, a 36 year-old inmate, had escaped from Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility. Wheeler was admitted to PPS on March 15, 2006. He was held on $150,000 bail, awaiting trial on charges of rape, unlawful restraint, aggravated indecent assault, statutory sexual assault and indecent exposure.

Fortunately, this came across a few hours later:

“Escaped” Inmate found in Prison Kitchen at Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility

Prison officials, who spent most of the day trying to reconstruct the movements of a 36 year-old inmate, George Wheeler, who had disappeared sometime Friday evening, were surprised to learn that a kitchen officer found the escapee in the CFCF kitchen, hiding behind an oven. The officer heard noises in the ceiling, and then saw movement behind the oven, and ordered the inmate to come out. Inmate George Wheeler came out from behind the oven at 5:40 PM on Saturday, June 24, 2006. He had been hiding in the jail’s kitchen for nearly 24 hours. The kitchen at CFCF takes up over an acre of ground, and provides meals for the entire prison complex – over 30,000 meals a day.

Full press releases on the non-escape-and-capture after the jump.

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