Gambling, The Way We Want You To

Late last week, Vice cops busted up an illegal video poker stash in a store that was simply called Variety Store. “It’s a quality-of-life issue, and obviously was a nuisance to people in the community,” said Chief Inspector William Blackburn, who is quickly being the go-to-guy for awesome news quotes. (”This product in itself glorifies the drug trade in the city of Philadelphia,” he said of a breath mint.)

From who else but Drew Carey comes another story, asking why veterans can’t play poker in the VFW but states can run lotteries, which are almost a sure bet for the house to win. (During the Dallas’ cops raid, some woman wet her pants, the report says.)

Carey, who also is totally for medical marijuana (AK-47, I bet).

The situations aren’t really the same, of course: Cops heard underage gambling was going on at good ol’ Variety Store, while the other dudes were veterans. Anyway, the state still has Gus, the second-most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania to sell lottery tickets so there’s not much anybody can do about their gambling stranglehold.

Crappy Video Poker Machines To Hit Pa.

Are you like me, wondering the best way to throw your money away in a mildly entertaining fashion? Well, I think about that a lot, especially since the casinos are coming to Philadelphia soon and I find slot machines boring.

But, well, the Pennsylvania gaming board ruled yesterday to make casinos all that much more mildly entertaining but allowing electronic table games that simulate games like blackjack and poker. It’s, basically, all the fun of a table game except it’s electronic and therefore involves no human interaction and, in order to comply with state gambling laws, all the odds are randomized so skilled players lose any advantage against the house they might have. Are you as excited as I am?

The games are so, ah, advanced they even feature (presumably female) dealers saying prerecorded lines like, “Come play with me.”

The state’s gambling board had the tough job of figuring out whether or not to allow the machine.

[Gaming board spokesman Dave] Harbach says the board’s laboratory has been studying the game for months.

Yeah, I know. I kind of want that job, too.

Pa. Casinos Getting Electronic Table Game [KYW 1060]
Pa. OKs virtual gambling table game [Camden Courier-Post]

School of hard flops

And they say the Pennsylvania school system isn’t any good.

PA University Offers Course in Poker [AP via 6 ABC]