OJ In The (Pog) Slammer

Hey, everybody! If you did nothing but watch sports all weekend, you might have missed–no, just kidding, this story was there, too. As you know, then: OJ Simpson has been charged with several felonies. Apparently, we all had so much fun last time OJ was in serious trouble we all decided to do it again, only without murdering anyone this time.

And we all remember what happened last time OJ was charged with several felonies: Horrible bootleg merchandise. Fortunately, I snapped up several crates of bootleg merchandise for a song after OJ’s last acquittal.

I can only assume what was popular then will also be popular now. As such, I am ready, as I have a crate of OJ Simpson pogs and OJ Simpson pog slammers. In keeping with the theme, I’ve also invested heavily in Power Rangers action figures (gotta price gouge on Christmas) and 49ers quarterback Steve Young.

O.J. Simpson Ordered Held Without Bail [AP/Philly.com]

Gangs Of Preteens Stealing Money For Pogs

Meanwhile, a bunch of Penn kids have been robbed by nine year olds. This happens every once in a while; a few years ago a 14-year-old girl mugged a Penn kid with a butter knife or something.

There have apparently been six incidents on and around the Penn campus. There are separate sets of cute little perps, perhaps as many as six. This means there are bands of marauding burglars aged 9 - 13 or so roaming University City, hoping to separate rich kids from their wallets.

I can joke about this because when I went to Penn I never got mugged or anything, but even if I did I’d still probably be making fun of the students being assaulted by a bunch of nine-year-olds.

Penn sends alert alleging crimes by kids as young as 9 [Daily News]

CNN Accidentally Running Special From 1991

Yes, how are they getting away with it! How dare they make music and then attempt to sell their creation to people! POISON, I say, POISON! I can’t wait for CNN’s special about pogs. Could metal slammers hurt our children’s eyes? How are these manufacturers getting away with it?!

Actually, I do have a question: How can CNN get away with putting this crap on the air? Shouldn’t they be out of business? Oh, wait. CNN’s competitors are Fox News and MSNBC. Now I understand.