Cute Wittle Doggies Attack Owner

Earlier this week, the good ladies over at Jezebel — Do men read blogs for women because (1) they’re good and (2) girls are cute? Yes, yes they do — wrote about an alarming number of animals-attack-humans stories in the news.

It was as if the little cutesy balls of fur decided to turn on us because we give them homes and food and pet them and love them, or possibly because we also fight them and race them and make their livers big and slaughter them for food.

Now, the panic has spread to Philadelphia, as a Wissinoming woman was attacked by her own pit bulls, perhaps as retaliation for Michael Vick’s actions, the first dogfighting that has ever taken place in the United States. She’s in stable condition.

And, yes, this is just an excuse to run another puppy photo. Hey, it’s a slow news week. I mean, have you seen Metro? (More on this later.)

Today God’s Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass [Jezebel]
Philadelphia Woman Attacked By Her Own Dogs [KYW 1060]

I Read Phillyblog So You Don’t Have To: Godwin’s Law

After a one-week hiatus, I Read Phillyblog So You Don’t Have To returns this week, keeping you informed about State Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s favorite place on the Internet.

Sometimes, even the stupidest people on the Internet outdo themslves. One particular poster this week on Phillyblog really takes the cake. It concerns our new friend Muhammad Shaukat. Continue on for the nitty gritty.

More »

Pit Fighters

A 18-year-old in Woodbine, New Jersey was mauled by the pit bulls he was trying to teach how to fight. (One can assume these dogs were a little more menacing than the pups in the photo.)

The 18-year-old was upstairs with his dogs, “teaching them the ways of a fighting pit bull.” Ahh, yes, the ancient art of pit bull fighting. I think Buddhist monks teach that, too. I wonder if he was trained by them?

Anyway, the 18-year-old’s family got the pit bulls off the boy, and barricaded themselves inside the bathroom. They called police, who had to rescue them from the bathroom window because the pit bulls were gnawing through the bathroom door. Action News continues:

The 18-year-old is in bad shape. He was airlifted to the Atlantic City Medical Center, and is in serious condition. Stop reading if you don’t care for the more gruesome details on his injuries…Authorities say the teen was bitten multiple times, and some of his bite wounds are down to the bone. There is no word on the fate of the dogs.

Wait. Did we just get a warning for a description of injuries? And how is there is no word on the fate of the dogs? Are they still gnawing at the bathroom door? Are they roaming the streets, attacking whoever they see? Probably best to stay out of Woodbine for a while.

Pit Bulls Shred Teenage Owner [6 ABC]
Photo by atlbricks

Kids Are Stupid, But, Well, Not That Stupid

As we all know, kids are stupid. That’s why we call them kids! Today’s Northeast Times contains the letters of a sixth-grade class at Our Lady of Ransom, a Catholic grade school in Northeast Philadelphia. It’s one of those cutesy class projects where all the kids write letters to the editor.

I’ll say the things that need to be said: Perhaps there is some lead in the water, as these kids are a little too serious for sixth graders. Or maybe kids are just a little more advanced that I was as a sixth grader. Here’s a sampling:

Don’t be a birdbrain

It’s not right to steal from stores. The store could go out of business.

In 2005 there were 689,340 shoplifters and in 2003 there were 657,414. Most of the people were not even caught, and that is a 31,926 rise from 2003 to 2005.

One person stole a bird from a pet store in New Jersey and returned it.

I don’t get it. If you steal a bird, it means you can’t afford buying it. Why would you get a bird that you don’t have enough money to get! How do you think you are going to get the shots and items the bird needs?

So, think about it and wonder — how am I going to afford that bird?

God is good
I’m sick and tired of certain scientists trying to kill off God as though He’s just another reality show. These scientists need to stop saying there’s no God. Without God, how would we have been created? How was the Earth created?

I bet none of the scientists that spread these lies have gone to church since they were 10 years old.

People need to realize that God is real. To all those scientists out there, go read the Bible!

It’s the pits
I do not know what is wrong with people these days. They fight pit bull terriers to see which one is the strongest.

These dogs should not be known for fighting or as killers, they should be known for being lovable pets.

I am also sick and tired of hearing on the news that these dogs are attacking people. It is not the dog, it is the owner who makes them the way they are.

My statistics told me that 200 pit bulls are being put down in one year. I think that is ridiculous. The law has to stop doing this.

If you were a pit bull, how would you like to be treated?

Take the ticket
I think we should just take the traffic ticket. They are just going to mail it to you anyway, so just take the ticket. A lot of times, policemen get shot for giving people traffic tickets.

I had no idea kids were concerned about such problems as shoplifting, atheistscientists, pit bulls and the danger of traffic ticket handovers.

Then again, these kids aren’t that stupid: They do have a bit firmer grasp on reality than our current administration:

Bring the troops home

Our troops should come home from Iraq because families are losing their loved ones.

Many U.S. soldiers have died already. How many more will die before the war ends?

I am positive that war is not the solution to get revenge on the terrorists. Our soldiers are risking their lives, and the least our country can do is end the war.

Put yourself in their Army boots. If you were fighting for freedom, how would you feel about missing your family and fearing that you could die any day?

* * *

Our troops should come home from Iraq because families are losing their loved ones. More than 2,000 American troops have died already. Thirty-eight thousand Iraqis have also died and 75 are wounded every day.

So how would you feel if your relative died in the war and you could never speak to them again?

Hey, these kids are all right with me. If I were a pit bull, I’d like to be treated well, thank you.

Letters 6/1 [Northeast Times]