Phillyblog Continues Great Internet Tradition Of Harassing Mark Cohen

How will politicians interact with the public in the future? If Mark B. Cohen’s recent post on Phillyblog (at 5:56 a.m.!) about library closings is any indication, it will not be cordial:

Today, the City Council of Philadelphia will consider a resolution pushed by Friends of the Free Library to keep the libraries threatened with closure open for six months to give the city time to fully review their value and other options.

In today’s Inquirer, columnist Daniel Rubin, in an article entitled, “Operator, Where’s the Nearest Library?” agrees with me that the cost of library shutdowns is about the same as the cost of 311 services–even assuming that the city does not get the $4 million to $8 customized software package that I believe is necessary over time to adequately run this system.

Actually, I fixed and put the link in the text, he left it out. Please, people, while you’re here, heed this writing suggestion: entitled isn’t horribly wrong, but just use titled; it sounds so much better. On a side note, the book Common Errors in English Usage calls its usage “pretentious.” Fitting?

Anyway, here is the first reply:

Does your house count as a library, with all the taxpayer funds you spent on mountains of books? How much of the public money you’ve squandered on personal expenses could have been used to improve public libraries and other services?

Don’t start pontificating that we should cut much needed projects like 311 when YOU are like a pig at the public trough, inappropriately spending OUR money on YOUR personal expenses.

And the second!

Good lord. We get it. You love libraries and children. Give it a rest.

And it even gets kinda funny!

“Operator, where’s the nearest library?” is a phrase you should start using to find out where you can borrow books and not buy them with the public’s money. You are shameless.

And it goes on and on about the book thing until Cohen himself replies in a post titled “And The Angels Sing”

Thanks to the above posters for so concisely documenting the kind of abuse that keeps almost all elected officials and the vast majority of civic leaders from posting on Phillyblog.

I hope your ugly cyberbullying gives you the satisfaction that you are looking for and adds meaning to your life.

I hope you will feel great joy every time someone who needs it cannot get library services.

Perhaps some day you will come to recognize that we are all living in this city together with people of different generations, races, and social classes, and denying people who need it library services hardly makes this a better place to live for any one at all.

I don’t need to tell you this is an incredible reply. But I would like to point out: Phillyblog posters, this is your finest hour. For example, the next post was a fucking image macro!!

Clearly outgunned here, Cohen does not retreat, God bless him. After someone says the posters on Phillyblog are Cohen’s “bosses,” he absolutely loses it:

You are not my bosses. And all my legislative actions have been fully in accordance with the law and all applicable ethical standards. I represent my constituency, which none of you live in, and most of you have never lived in. None of you have views that are at all representative of the people of my district, for whom you seem to have the greatest contempt, perhaps because they do meet your standards of financial success, perhaps because all of them do not have the same skin color that I do.

Anyone who tries to run a business, or a non-profit organization, or a governmental agency, and treats his or her employees with the kind of consistent calumny that you insist on demonstrating year after year is hardly likely to be successful by any measurement. A “boss” who hates his or her employees, who vilifies them publicly at every opportunity, is hardly likely to get worthwhile results or to get very far professionally.

But an employee who whines on messageboards about his boss is likely to get fired. (Zing!) Then comes the third paragraph of his post, which might top the brilliance of his previous best quote (”All over the country, people live longer lives because of me.”):

One of the great glories of this country is that each American, regardless of wealth, regardless of social class, regardless of race, has equal rights. I am one of those working on a daily basis to make those rights meaningful, and perhaps some day some of this totally excessive and counterproductive anger will dissipate enough to allow one or more of you to join me in these efforts.

You hear that? Mark B. Cohen is being harassed on Phillyblog because people are racist and classist! At the risk of inspiring another rogue commenter: And here I thought they were just scared of his penis.

The thread goes on for two more pages (for now) and discusses the City Institute library on Rittenhouse and Cohen calls the library closings “class warfare against people of moderate means.” No, dummy, that’s the drug war.

All in all, the whole blog post is really a brilliant piece of literature. In future years, I expect this thread to be compulsory reading in freshman English classes. It’s at that level.

Operator, Where’s The Nearest Library? [Phillyblog]

Your Phillyblog Moment Of The Day

Oh, let’s just pick a post obviously entirely not at random at all:

On a side note, what is it with Africans and shoes? “We got shoes! We got shoes!” Is this a manifestation on the genetic historical code of being shoeless for thousands of years? Nonetheless, maybe next decade fatherhood will be the trend, but for now, itz da feetz.

Yes, and maybe next decade the majority of Phillyblog posters won’t make jokes that are, scientifically, the complete antithesis of humor. I won’t get my hopes up, though.

The Obama Shoe [Phillyblog]
Thanks, Alli

Somebody Get This Kid A Job

It’s time for another Philadelphia Will Do Good Deed™! And by “another,” I most certainly mean “first.” Hey, there’s always time to be extra mean later in the day.

Our job hunter is Miguel, from Northeast Philadelphia. He recently posted on Phillyblog about his troubles in the job hunt:

Hello,

My name is Miguel, Im 16 Years Old.
I live In the Northeast Section Of Philadephia & Im just sick and tired of searching already!
I’ve apllied to so many places such as
Mcdonalds.Burger King,KFC,Taco Bell,Modells,The Children Place,Sears,K-mart, Wal-Mart,Target,Chucke E. Cheese,Sesame Place. etc.
Basicly….I Need A Job!!! ASAP!!
Where Else Can I Apply? That’ll Hire Me?

I wouldn’t hire him to punctuate your signs, but c’mon! Somebody has to have a job for this kid. Hell, somebody hire him to write a blog or something. Chop chop.

Need an Employer…? Here I Am!
Photo via glenpooh, Creative Commons license

Cancer Merchants

Apropos of nothing, I found this icon/thread title combination on Phillyblog pretty hilarious. The thread’s pretty awesome, too, especially when the “I hope you get cancer!” accusations start flying.

Oh, yeah, and apparently somebody posting in the thread is related to Bud Dwyer, bahahaha. I don’t think it can get any better than this.

Alex’s Lemmonade [sic] Stand Lowes Hotel [Phillyblog]

Hey Another Phillyblog Dissent Site

Phillyblog poster “TheAlderian” has started yet another Phillyblog dissent site! And it has a Great Grand Plan: “The site is for information, learning, and fun and not to enslave posters into working for free to make other people free money.” Woo-hoo, finally, a messageboard without slavery.

Mark Cohen Would Like You To Know His Penis Is Not Afraid Of Itself

Here is what’s funny: When state lawmakers say things like, “All over the country, people live longer lives because of me.” Here is what’s funnier: When state lawmakers propose a Phillyblog Day. Here’s what’s even funnier: When state lawmakers make a post about reaching a certain number of posts on Phillyblog.

Even funnier than that is when state lawmakers go through and make a list of the posters on an Internet messageboard with 1,000 posts or more. And even funnier than that is when there’s a sort by posts, descending order feature on said messageboard but the lawmaker doesn’t know about it so he goes through and calculates all the top posts by hand.

And, of course, even funnier than that is when state lawmakers tell reporters they’re being libeled because of comments on a blog that are posted by “MBC Penis” and say “I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s penis.”

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Mark B. Cohen’s Research Methods Leave Much To Be Desired

As you may know from reading this site, Pennsylvania State Rep. Mark B. Cohen just loves the Internet messageboard Phillyblog. He adores it. He thinks it’s the bee’s knees. He thinks it will replace the Inquirer and Daily News as the news source for all Philadelphians. If Phillyblog were a sandwich, he’d eat it. If Phillyblog were a woman, he’d have sex with her. If Phillyblog were a blog, he’d post blog entries on there, I guess.

Last week, I noted Cohen’s attempt to become the Bill James of Phillyblog when he listed the Phillyblog members who had 1,000 posts or more. As the thread progressed, a few members posted about their omission. They had 1,000 posts, too, why weren’t they on the list of the Golden Few?

Turns out, Cohen didn’t know about the feature of sorting members by posts, which would have made his quest rather simple, of course. Instead, he apparently compiled the top Phillyblog posters all by hand before being notified about the automated way to do it. Later, he promised to do more research into Phillyblog members not from Philadelphia.

It’s difficult to say how unique Phillyaggie is. Chief Salsa, banned from this board for rules violations, accumulated over 3700 postsl many or all of them (I don’t know all the facts) were done while he was in Utah. Then there are two members of this list–I forget their names–from Richmond, Viriginia; one identifies himself as an ex-Philadelphian, and the other does not. Then there is a member of this list from St. Louis.

I’ll try to do more research on this question; anyone else is welcome to answer Phillyaggie’s question as well. He certainly will be a great addition to Philadelphia when he arrives here.

It is only a matter of time before Mark B. Cohen begins the Society for American Phillyblog Research, or SAPR. One day, his revolutionary messageboard counting statistics will be used o’er the land, coining the new term “sapermetrics.” Or perhaps: Cohenomics.

ldondre Makes 20,000th Post, As About 100 Phillybloggers Hit 1,000 - Page 8 [Phillyblog]
Archives: Mark B. Cohen

Mark B. Cohen Is The Bill James Of Phillyblog

Mark B. Cohen is really interested in Phillyblog stats. Apparently Eldondre is the Babe Ruth of Phillyblog, setting a record that will not be broken for years and years.

Eldondre made his made his 20,000 post yesterday, hitting at least 20,013. He is certainly setting a pace in this area that will be very hard for anyone of the 16,062 people who have joined us so far, or anyone who joins subsequently, to ever match.

Eldondre’s achievement inspired me to look at the other top-posting phillybloggers. I found a total of 81 who had 999 or more posts, and I know I did not have enough time or enough determination to pester those with access to create a printout of the database to cover everybody. I therefore would welcome any additions there might be to this list.

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Okay, I Quit

Hey, what’s up on Phillyblog! Ooh, a new thread by State Rep. Mark B. Cohen! Let’s take a l–

This is apparently done in response to this thread about what three Philadelphians past or present you would invite to dinner, the difference being that, if you wanted to get dinner with Phillyblog posters, you could just ask them if they wanted to go to dinner and hope they say yes.

What Phillyblogers Would You Like To Get Together for Dinner? [Phillyblog]

Tree Thief On Loose In Mayfair

From Phillyblog:

I just moved to Mayfair to get away from this crap!

My mother gave me a tree to plant in the front lawn last week, because the previous owners of the house I just moved into took their tree with them. [WTF??—dmac]

I came home from work the other day to discover that my tree was stolen! It’s not as if it was sitting there in a pot, it was actually planted and mulched in the front lawn. There’s a gaping hole in my lawn now where the tree used to be.

I thought this kind of thing didn’t happen in Mayfair. (?)

Is this a common occurence in the area?

Ooh, this is a new one. Instead of your neighbors poisoning your trees to get rid of them, they simply steal them right out from under your nose.

My tree was stolen right from my front lawn in Mayfair! [Phillyblog]