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Aug
29
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Jill Porter: Two dollar signs for the letter ’s’ in the headline. Hopefully all the Daily News headlines will eventually be in leet-speak. 3aGL3S pwn C0\/\/B0yZ, and so forth.
John Baer: Our seatbelt laws aren’t strong enough, or something? I dunno.
Phil Goldsmith: The news peg for this story is, no shit, a woman who Phil Goldsmith wants to write about who has the same last name as someone kinda in the news.
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dmac | 9:45 AM | 0 Comments
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Aug
15
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John Baer: You know a column’s good when it starts “If the late great Ira Gershwin were alive and writing today…”
Phil Goldsmith: You know a column’s good when it has an extended Mother Goose metaphor.
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dmac | 8:58 AM | 0 Comments
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Aug
1
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Jill Porter: Traditional Daily News sob story, comin’ right up!
Phil Goldsmith: “So, instead, the homeless ironically end up in everybody’s neighborhood: Center City.” That’s not irony, it’s just sad.
Editor’s Note: I missed my new favorite columnist, Fatimah Ali, yesterday.
Fatimah Ali: If we womyn stand together, we can stop all the violence in our cities!
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dmac | 9:35 AM | 5 Comments
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Jul
5
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Michael Smerconish: Not content to get your political opinions from The Ultimate Warrior? Well, Mike Smerconish lets us know what Bruno Fucking Sammartino thinks about the current world of pro wrestling! (I thought he was going to talk about immigration or something.) Oh, and “Pro wrestling has long been a ghost of its former self,” sez Mike.
Ronnie Polaneczky: Do you have a spare $100,000?
Phil Goldsmith: Fuck, it’s a Declaration of Independence parody. I’m not even going to read it to abridge it. Ha ha, I do that all the time anyway.
Stu Bykofsky: Uhh, what the fuck? Michael Smerconish’s Bruno Sammartino column is looking better and better after reading these other ones.
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dmac | 10:16 AM | 2 Comments
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Jun
6
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John Baer: Best as I can tell, St. Anselm smote Rudy Giuliani.
Phil Goldsmith: Ha ha the school district is going to implode soon. Sorry, poor kids!
Jill Porter: Don’t sleep with your kids.
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dmac | 9:40 AM | 0 Comments
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May
11
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Elmer Smith: Old person graduates from college, newspaper writes story about it.
John Baer: Race blah blah blah blah mayor’s race blah blah blah blah.
Christine Flowers: Who kidnapped Christine Flowers and replaced her with a competent columnist?
Jill Porter: This most important part of the mayor’s race is how people feel about their moms!
Phil Goldsmith: More mothers!
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dmac | 10:30 AM | 0 Comments
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May
10
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Michael Smerconish: When President Bush started his stupid pointless war, I never knew local soldiers would die! God, when local soldiers die, I feel like I’m almost sacrificing myself for the cause!
Phil Goldsmith: Boy, the mayor’s race sure is going on!
Ronnie Polaneczky: Boy, capitalism sure creates winners and losers.
Stu Bykofsky: Wake up Americans: WE’RE AT WAR! Now go roundup some illegal immigrants all of you while I put my feet up. I’ve done my part, bitches!
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dmac | 9:50 AM | 0 Comments
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May
2
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Phil Goldsmith: Yeah, there are so many made-up acronyms and words in this column I have no fucking clue what it says.
Stu Bykofsky: The Daily News sent Byko to Tennessee to interview the ex-Philadelphia Zoo elephant. In case you didn’t read that correctly, the Daily News sent Byko to Tennessee to interview the ex-Philadelphia Zoo elephant. Next time, the DN can just burn a small pile of money and get the same effect.
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dmac | 9:42 AM | 0 Comments
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