PATCO Begins Using Futuristic Moon Cards

This morning, PATCO began using new “smart cards” on its Philly-N.J. route, replacing the old magnetic-strip plastic the system has been using for years.

No! This simply cannot be done. After all, that’s what SEPTA has been telling us since cards became the payment option of choice for most subway riders around the country. (This was sometime in 1955 or so.) PATCO’s new system was delayed nearly a year due to software glitches, but now it offers a MetroCard-style pass that will apparently work through your purse or pocket, too.

Of course, it was expensive? Or something? And although SEPTA wants to have a new fare system in place within three or four years, they’d rather just do this: “[A]gencies may find it much cheaper to let the credit-card industry develop a smart credit card that pays for passage on their buses and trains…. One challenge is that many SEPTA riders don’t have credit cards, so any system would need to accept cash, too.”

Mark my words: When tokens are eliminated on SEPTA, humans will have had colonies on Mars for at least 30 years.

PATCO issues ’smart cards’ [Inquirer]

Leftovers: Clever Police Fool Idiot

• Police managed to capture two suspects wanted for murder — their ages, of course, are 15 and 19 — after the two stole cell phones. The cops called the suspects on the stolen phones, set up a meet to buy the phones back for $100 and — presto! — two murder suspects captured. Excellent. [Inquirer]

• Will Smith’s annoyingly-spelled The Pursuit of Happyness took first place in the box office over the weekend, taking in $27 million in sales. $27 million, incidentally, is what Smith should be fined for making that crime against humanity, Wild Wild West. [AP/Yahoo!]

• PATCO train passengers were forced out onto a catwalk on the Ben Franklin Bridge this morning after smoke was seen coming from the first car. Unfortunately, the bridge was closed to walkers (as it usually is), so the passengers had to hold on to the side of the bridge instead. [AP/Metro]

• And, finally, a puppy for Monday. [Daily Puppy]

Urine-Soaked Station Plans To Add Butlers

Here’s the dilemma: You’re on a PATCO train, heading back to Lindenwold after a hard day at the office. But you’re stuck. You’re carrying some dry cleaning with you — you know why, you sly dog! — but you need to get it done before heading home to your apartment for a candlelit dinner for two. And you had to work late at the office, and you’re kind of stuck, but you really need to get these clothes dry cleaned, and…

… looks like your entire evening just went up in smoke. (See, because you were going to be at your house, where it’s still legal to smoke in Jersey and Philly, at least for now.)

But before this extended metaphor begins to make even less sense: Fear not! New Jersey transit is here to save the day! Or, maybe. Beginnig today, the Inquirer reports, PATCO workers will ask commuters as they exit or board trains if they would use a concierge service if one set up shop at the station.

Lindenwold is at the end of the PATCO High-Speed Line, and also a stop on the “Gambler’s Express” to Atlantic City. There’s already a concierge service in ritzy Maplewood in North Jersey, and the Lindenwold stop is a bit dingy, especially for the busiest stop on the line.

But, well, it seems like the station needs a few things more than a concierge service:

“Why don’t they put a coffee shop in this station instead? I’ve even thought of doing that myself,” said [Mark] Johnson, an Amtrak worker. “In the mornings you could sell coffee here as fast as you could pour it.” [...]

[George] Wolf, with an NYPD cap pulled over his eyes, said he would never use a concierge. He had more immediate concerns.

“What this station needs is a 24-hour bathroom for starters,” Wolf said. “It smells OK today, but usually the tunnels here stink to high hell because there’s no place else to go. Trash cans would be nice, too. I mean, just look at all the garbage blowing around.”

There’s only one way to solve this: A concierge service that brings you little cups to piss in.

Will Jeeves serve in Lindenwold? [Inquirer]

Leftovers: A Gay American (And A Gay Talk Show Host)

• Guess who might be a co-host on Joan Rivers “queer version of The View“? That’s right, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey! We can’t wait for the episode about appointing your alleged lover to a position in Homeland Security. [NY Post]

• Terrell Owens hasn’t practiced with the Cowboys for 12 days. All together now: Hmmmm… [NBC 10 Eagles Blog]

• PATCO has begun a rollout of new high-speed line fare cards that are much easier than the old card system Patco used. SEPTA is not thinking of changing its “three chickens and a goat” fare system anytime soon. [KYW 1060]

• The 911 calls from the Brett Myers incident have been released; naturally, they contain this line from a caller: “What a stupid idiot.” [Inquirer]

• Thousands mobbed American Idol auditions at the Meadowlands today. Yep. Thousands of horsemen and horsewomen of the apocalypse. [AP/Camden Courier-Post]