Free Saturday Parking!

Hey, I almost forgot! Parking is free on Saturdays after 11 a.m. for the rest of the year. “We have the free meter parking every Saturday,” says PPA spokeswoman Linda Miller. [KYW 1060]

Things Are Tough All Over

There is one good thing about having the summer end when you’re 25: I don’t have to go back to school! Ha ha, you stupid kids get the summers off, but at least we adults (or, in my case, “adult”) don’t have to spend all our time learning! Plus, now that all the kids are heading back to class, the Gallery will be less crowded. Ha ha, just kidding.

Anyway, one of the schools heading back this week is Lower Merion High School, a rich public school out in the ‘burbs with such famous graduates as Kobe Bean Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers and Dan Bean Gross of the Daily News. While the kids at LMHS probably already make more money and you and me do put together, at least we had parking when we were in high school. (Or at least I did.) Thanks to the construction of a new school building, there is no student parking at the school. Hey, it’s not like kids need to drive to school or anything. Erhm.

The school says it prefers its students get dropped off or walk to school, because… oh, man, I was all set to make fun of the LMHS kids when I started this story and instead it appears the administration is completely, 100 percent stupid here. The school actually even posted a video about the new traffic patterns at the school, to make themselves look even sillier.

Anyway, it’s not all bad news: The kids at LMHS will now get $30 parking tickets every day, KYW 1060 reports. Things like these make me feel better about not being in high school anymore, even though I’d probably be going on a hunger strike to protest were I a senior at that school right now.

For Returning Lower Merion HS Students It’s, Like Totally, a Parking Crisis [KYW 1060]

Holy Family U. Shows Catholic-Style Forgiveness

Northeast Philadelphia’s Holy Family University has a new rule in place for its students: Park off campus three times and you’re expelled. Even if you go to confession!

Yes, it’s not bad grades or killing a teacher that will get you expelled, it’s parking in the neighborhood. The new rule is a result of a deal City Councilman Brian O’Neill brokered with the school, allowing it to build a new dorm, parking garage and business school.

Neighbors across Frankford Avenue were worried students at the once-commuter school would be parking in their neighborhood, so they came up with a draconian policy to let students know just what the real world is like: Ridiculously stupid and full of idiots!

The first time a student parks off campus, it’s a $100 fine. The second time, the car will be towed. The third time, it’s expulsion, and if you think that’s a little overboard, I’m sure the fine residents across the street from Holy Family were actually pushing for the guillotine for the first offense. Parking in Far Northeast Philly will cause nuclear holocaust one day, just wait.

Want to Get Rid of a Truckload of College Students? Try This! [Heard in the Hall]

In Philadelphia, Everyone’s A Thug Nowadays

When writing about crime, it’s apparently officialy Daily News policy to use the word “thug” as much as possible. (”Punk” also works in a pinch.)

I’m not quite sure why. “Philadelphia thugs murdered a woman today.” Do we really need a pejorative to describe the men who murdered someone? Isn’t saying they murdered someone enough? Apparently, though, it’s not just murderers and rapists who enjoy the thug life:

Since November, investigators said, they’ve counted at least nine vehicles stolen from garages used by the Marriot Courtyard, across from City Hall, the Kennedy House apartment building on John F. Kennedy Boulevard near 19th Street, and various other valet lots.

Cops said it is common practice for current and former downtown-garage attendants to either rent out the cars to their friends in outside neighborhoods, or to just joyride in the vehicles, while customers are at work or out on the town. [...]

So far, police said, they’ve nabbed two thugs out driving the cars stolen from the Marriot garage at 12th and Filbert streets. Officers found one man cruising around North Philadelphia. The other was caught driving in Maryland.

I can’t wait to see what gets the thug label next. Petty larceny? Thug! Spitting on the sidewalk? Thug! Stealing the mail? Thug! I suppose it could go the other way, too, as Osama Bin Laden will be described as a “terrorist thug” in an editorial.

In other news, one of the cars these thugs stole was a Dodge Neon. Because when you have a whole lot full of cars to choose from, you just gotta take the best one.

Valet-park crimes cited [Daily News]