Al-Qaeda Will Never Take Our Dippin’ Dots

You can feel safe, area shoppers! Oxford Valley Mall recently held a mock terrorism drill, in case al-Qaeda ever decides it has a serious grudge against Forever 21.

The drill started about a month ago when police learned that a fictitious organization with a grudge against corporate America was targeting an area mall.

Since then, they received information that it was the Oxford Valley Mall that was targeted, and now they are playing out how they will handle that threat.

Things apparently went well, no one was harmed (due to it being a fictional drill) and no one will ever think of attacking the Oxford Valley Mall ever.

Police Hold Mock Terrorism Drill at Oxford Valley Mall [KYW 1060]

Mall Customers To Peer Through Knotholes No Longer

Fear not, Bucks County shoppers! You will not be without a Boscov’s for much longer!

A story in today’s Bucks County Courier Times — flanked with a Boscov’s ad, as displayed at right — describes the excitement surrounding the opening of a new Boscov’s at Oxford Valley Mall:

For months now, Oxford Valley Mall shoppers have peered through paper-covered windows, hoping for a glimpse of the new Boscov’s department store. The wait is almost over.

Hallelujah! Everyone has been waiting for a department store where one can purchase shoes and the Pasta Express and cheap towels, and not the crap one at Neshaminy, thank you very much. When shoppers want to go to a cheap department store, they’ll do it at the nicer Bucks County mall, thank you very much.

This, though, isn’t your ordinary Boscov’s. CEO Ken Lakin explains:

“The shopping environment will be a modern-day shopping environment,” said Boscov’s CEO Ken Lakin. “And, most importantly, we’ve modernized the assortment [of merchandise] to appeal to a contemporary female customer. That means not only Liz Claiborne sportswear, but also Liz Claiborne companies. It’s not only Jones New York, but also Jones Sport,” he said. “We’re much more contemporary and we appeal to a woman who’s working, is a mother and has to fill both roles at the same time during the day.”

Not! Even! Liz! Claiborne! Sportswear! But! Liz! Claiborne! Companies! Who can contain themselves?

The new Boscov’s will stick with the discount department store’s normal feel, though, as the it will contain a candy counter and appliances. It won’t, the article notes, have a “community auditorium,” which is really a shame. But, hey, $5.99 irons and $9.99 luggage on opening day!

The store is filling the space once occupied by the now-defunct Strawbridge’s, which leaves Boscov’s with, uh, big shoes to fill. How are they going to set themselves apart?

“So many customers will miss Strawbridge’s,” said assistant store manager Kevin Chapman. “But they won’t think this is the Strawbridge’s building. This is Boscov’s.”

Words to live by.

New Boscov’s features modernized shopping [Bucks County Courier Times]

These kids nowadays and their ‘pot bongs’

Out of the interest of fairness, I must update the brief item I did yesterday on the Spencer’s Two.

The law (as I understand it, your mileage may vary) allows places to sell bongs, hookahs, &c., as long as you’re selling them for legal use. (I’m assuming you could get in trouble if you were say, a gas station selling gas to an unlicensed driver, or a computer store selling a computer selling a computer saying you could steal music with it. Ha ha! Just kidding.) So if a customer comes in and says, “I want that bong to smoke weed in it,” you couldn’t sell it, but if one came in saying, “I want that bong to smoke harmless tobacco,” you could buy it.

Right. I know what you’re saying: This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Well, I agree. And I still don’t think a place should get in trouble for selling shirts and pieces of plastic. But that’s the background information.

Anyway, NBC 10 has posted the affidavit of probable cause in the case, and I’ll excerpt it here (all emphasis mine):

Inside the store, your affiant observed several items which depicted Marijuana and Marijuana use like T-shirts, hats, posters, keychains, leis of Marijuana leafs, stationary, incense, headbands, boxer shorts, candles, ice cube trays, coasters, dishes, glasses, phone books, chess sets, cookie cutters and other items…. Another poster depicted Bob Marley smoking a Marijuana cigarette or “joint”. Another poster had three small children rolling Marijuana cigarettes and smoking them that read, “Johhny likes skinny girls, but he never turns down a fattie”. [...]

Your affiant asked the salesgirl, Diamond, about the bongs saying, “I didn’t know you guys sold bongs” and she responeded with, “We just started - they only came in last week.” Your affiant then asked to see the $39.99 bong. Diamond handed me one of the bongs in a box. I noticed a sticker placed on the outside of the box that read, “This item is intended to be used for smoking legal products only”. Your affiant then asked Diamond, “Why do they put that sticker on them, what else could they be used for except smoking pot?” Diamond responded with, “That’s the only thing I know that they are used for.” [...]

One of the posters was the “Johnny likes thin girls, but he never turns down a fattie” that depicts three small children rolling and smoking Marijuana cigarettes. Your affiant knows through training and experience that “fattie” is a street term for a large Marijuana cigarette or blunt. [...]

Your affiant selected another Marijuana poster entitled “America’s Most Wanted” that depicts several photographs of different strains or types of Marijuana and what each is called. The strains or types of the depicted Marijuana plants are: Lil’ Stanky, Red Delicious, Angel Food, K. B. Killer, Dutch Treat, Hydro-Skunk 420, Honolulu Rose, Sky Scraper, Old Yeller, Flypaper, Bride of Dankenstein and Purplecstasy. Your affiant knows through training and experience that these are terms for various strains or grades of Marijuana, each having different concentrations of THC. [...]

Your affiant, acting in an undercover capacity inside Spencer Gifts, brought these three posters up to the sales counter. Spencer Gifts Assistant Manager Paul came to the counter and waited on your affiant. Your affiant said, “I’m buying some Marijuana posters for my smoking room”…. Paul then said laughingly, “Of course, these are for use with tobacco only - yeah, right, we’re supposed to say that - what bull, we all know what they are used for!” [...]

Your affiant knows that the term “Pot” is a commonly used term for Marijuana. The salespeople acted as they knew the term “Pot” used in your affiant’s asking to see the “pot bongs” as they never asked what your affiant meant. It is evident to your affiant that they knew or should have known that these items were going to be used in smoking or inhaling Marijuana into the human body. The employees even discussed Marijuana usage with the bongs or hookahs, thereby eliminating the possibility of the item being sold for tobacco use and clearly evident that it was being used for ingesting or inhaling Marijuana.

Okay, that’s enough. Seriously, does this get any better? First off, who the hell would buy a marijuana leaf chess set? Personally, I think we should start selling products like that for every drug. Then if you buy one, you immediately get taken to rehab, since if you buy a drug-themed chess set, you do too many drugs. I don’t really know who would buy any of those stupid marijuana shirts, though, except for non-smokers trying to act tough, or something like that.

Second, who the hell says “pot bongs”? That really should have been a tip to the Spencer’s employees that, uhm, something wasn’t right. But, then again, in an ultimate shocker, Spencer’s employees aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. Who knew?

Oh, yeah, and can I take the training where you learn that a “large Marijuana cigarette or blunt” is called a “fattie”? I just bet that’d be an easy A.

Probable Cause Affidavit In Spencer’s Case [NBC 10]
Yesterday: Quickies: Free The Spencer’s Two!