Rick Santorum Breaks Big News

American voters will choose between two candidates this election year.

This is the first sentence of his column yesterday. (Also, the Inquirer printed his email address wrong.) Thanks for the big scoop, Ricky!

Obama: A harsh ideologue hidden by a feel-good image [Inquirer]

Newspaper Writing: It’s Like Magic!

A magician who also does comedy was arrested. And here was the lead:

He performs under the name of Ron Geoffries: The Magic Comedian.

But nobody was laughing Wednesday when Jeffrey Leach, the magician’s real name, was led away in handcuffs here on his way to Ocean County to be charged with criminal sexual assault and endangering the welfare of a child.

Many people were laughing, however, after reading those first two sentences.

Woman accuses magician [Camden Courier-Post]

Awesomest Lead Ever

God might be ever-present but representatives from the Roman Catholic Church were auspiciously absent from Monday night’s Bensalem Council meeting.

Church absent from cemetery hearing [Bucks Co. Courier Times]

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

Ahh, let’s check the lead to the Temple News intro-to-college editorial:

As the early 90s Nickelodeon show states, “Welcome Freshmen!”

Ahh, yes. This isn’t quite nearly on the same level as the Neil Young/Philadelphia Parking Authority lead from earlier this week, since (1) this is a college paper and (2) at least the show Welcome Freshman is somewhat related to the subject at hand. Somewhat.

Hot Spot [Temple News]
Wednesday: The World May Be Free To Rock In, But Parking Is Not

The World May Be Free To Rock In, But Parking Is Not

“Okay, parking, parking, what would be a good lead for a story about parking… hmm… euphemism for car sex? Nah, not in the Inquirer! Wait, a music reference! Yes, that’s it. Well, let’s see, the story’s about the Philadelphia Parking Authority’s new overnight ticketing of people in front of hyrdrants, in fire zones, et cetera.

“The Cars? ‘More parking enforcement is just what the city needed!’ Nah, that’s too on-point. How about Gary Numan? ‘Here in my car, I can get ticketed for parking, in front of a fire hydrant, even at four a.m. … in cars!’ No, no, that’s too long. Paradise by the dashboard light featuring Phil Rizzuto?

“Wait, I got it!”

Rust never sleeps.

Neither does the Philadelphia Parking Authority, which since October has run a third shift between 10:30 p.m. and 6:30 a.m. to crack down on the most potentially dangerous violations of the city’s parking laws.

Over at 14th Windiest State, RJ came up with a mini-contest: Come up with your best alterna-lead for the story, using other Neil Young song titles. Buffalo Springfield and CSNY count, too, which is nice, because then I can use “Stop, hey! What’s that sound? Your car is headed to the impound!”

Ticketing on four-way street [14th Windiest State]
Overnight parking crackdown grows [Inquirer]

This Is Kind Of Like Che Guevara Shirts For $29.99

Geeze, and you thought Byko’s Harry Potter reference yesterday was shoehorned in? Here’s Cal Thomas, syndicated in The Bulletin:

“All we are saying is give peace a chance,” says John Lennon’s anti-war protest song. But though President Bush’s recent remarks to the Greater Cleveland Partnership may have borrowed a page from Lennon’s songbook, they sang quite a different tune to a pro-war beat.

I can’t wait ’til Cal Thomas’ review of President Bush’s memoirs. “This book is a pro-Jewish Mein Kampf!”

Bush’s Song: ‘All We Are Saying Is …’ [The Bulletin]

‘Daily News’ Has Some Choice Leads Today, Too

It wasn’t just the Inquirer who had excellent, well-written leads today. No, the Daily News did its part as well to make sure the stories of the day were introduced in the most ridiculous way.

For example, longtime high school sports writer Ted Silary does a nice job introducing this story about some high school shot putters who rescued a woman from a burning house.

This was a track meet with no ordinary highlight. The best performance, by far, did involve running and jumping and teamwork, though. Along with wonderful bravery.

Hey! That’s unfair to shot put competitors. When’s the last time a shot put highlight included running and jumping and teamwork?

More »

‘Inky’ Destroys Field In Inappropriate Lead Competition

Today is the last day of classes at Penn — which means it’s almost my ex-girlfriend’s birthday, so I should remember when to call and say hi. But it’s also the tradition known as Hey Day, allegedly started by some student who said “If I make it to senior year, I’ll eat my hat!”

I’m sure this story, much like the “Penn kids stopped drinking at football games after Prohibition” one, is false. But no matter: Penn juniors will officially become seniors today after they put on red shirts, eat pieces off each other’s Styrofoam hats and dance around with old-timey canes.

In recent years, those oh-so-clever Penn kids have added two more traditions: (1) Chanting “show your tits” at the University President and (2) Members of the current senior class pelting juniors with mustard, shaving cream, ketchup, etc.

New tradition one was, apparently, sexist or something, and not just a way to tell ex-Penn president Judith Rodin she had a nice rack. And so people wrote letters to the editor and guest columns in the school paper and the Inquirer put it on the front page or something and eventually it stopped.

New tradition two, however, continued until last year, when apparently some whiny juniors couldn’t take getting hit with a couple condiments and the University threatened to cancel Hey Day. Eventually, this year’s Hey Day eliminated this tradition by making students sign responsibility pledges, always the cornerstone of any fun activity.

Anyway, Hey Day. Today. And here’s the Inquirer’s lead to today’s story, written by one Julie Stoiber:

Even before the horror at Virginia Tech this week put campus safety in the spotlight, administrators at the University of Pennsylvania had taken steps to quell what they say was a menacing turn in the school’s “Hey Day” ritual, scheduled for this afternoon, in which juniors are pelted with ketchup, fish, and other gross and potentially hazardous foodstuffs by graduating seniors.

After the jump, a few similar leads throughout the ages.

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‘Inquirer’ A Total Buzzkill

On Saturday night, Kimberly Rogers won the annual Miss Philadelphia pageant. Rogers is a 23-year-old graduate of Princeton. She has a degree in molecular biology. She’s also a pharmaceutical marketing consultant for TargetRx in Horsham, which I’d assume pays pretty well. And, uh, she’s Miss Philadelphia. And she’s gorgeous. (Geeze, she’s almost date-able!)

Gee, any way you can be a total buzzkill, Inquirer reporter Diane Mastrull?

As the newly crowned Miss Philadelphia, Kimberly Rogers smiled easily for the camera yesterday in a hotel suite fragrant with congratulatory bouquets.

It was not, however, a proud morning for the city she will spend the next year representing. Since Rogers’ pageant win Saturday night on the stage of Drexel University’s Mandell Theatre, three more lives had been lost to homicide, boosting the city’s death count to more than 100.

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One Way To Make People Not Read Past First Graf

CAPE MAY COURT HOUSE, N.J. - It may be the most compelling question since people started wondering who fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

N.J.’s Mega Millions mystery prompts a wealth of questions [Inquirer]