Naked Man On Loose

It sure has been a while we’ve had a ridiculous crime in Bucks County (official motto: “The world’s fattest boot.”). Those things used to come like clockwork. And… oh! Here we go!

Buckingham police are looking for a man in a bizarre assault that occurred Monday shortly before 1 p.m. on New Hope Road. Police said a woman jogging on the road between Route 413 and Holicong Road was attacked from behind by a naked man. Police are investigating the incident as a sexual assault.

The woman said her attacker got her in a bear hug and lifted her upright. He then released her and ran to Holicong Road where he got into a silver sport utility vehicle… The incident sounds similar to one that occurred in Middletown [Levittown -- ed.] last week.

Middletown police said that on Nov. 11 a man wearing only a pair of socks was seen on Red Berry Road. Police said the man was described as a white male with a medium build and balding. He was last seen in a small silver SUV.

Ahh, there we go. Be on the lookout for a balding naked man next time you’re in Buxco! And in case you’re wondering, Red Berry Road is not in the Red Cedar Hill Section of Levittown. Confusing, isn’t it?

Naked man assaults jogger [Bucks County Courier Times]

And Now Your Lead Of The Day

HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) ― A nighttime romp in the Pennsylvania woods by a pilot and flight attendant ended badly after the pilot became separated from his clothes.

They are, for some reason, both facing criminal charges. Because if you somehow become separated from your clothes, you are going straight to jail.

Update: The Harrisburg Patriot-News has more on the charges of our pilot and flight attendant: “Bradford was arraigned before District Judge Michael Smith on charges of indecent exposure, open lewdness, public drunkenness, loitering and prowling at night, and disorderly conduct. Connor was arraigned on charges of theft from a motor vehicle, public drunkenness, and loitering and prowling at night.” I believe they are the Bonnie & Clyde of public drunkenness.

Pilot Found Nude After Romp In Pa. Woods [AP/CBS 3]

Naked Men And Cop Car Thieves

Everybody remembers that episode of COPS (in Philly!) where the police arrest the slippery naked guy. But what about that other one, I forget where, where the guy hops away while cuffed? That’s sort of my favorite, besides the one in Utah (or some similar place) where the cops are on the case of the missing cow.

Anyway, this is all just an excuse to lead into two great stories today: (1) The man in Lancaster who trashed a grocery store while naked and (2) the man in Philadelphia who, while cuffed, managed to slip into the front of a police cruiser and steal the car and drive it to Camden.

More »

Nude TV Reporter Gets Murder Confession

Back in 2004, ex-NBC 10 anchor Sharon Reed posed naked for an artistic nude shoot, but after disrobing chickened out, because, as Americans, we’re taught to fear nudity. (She also threatened NBC 10 reporter Alycia Taylor back in 2002 on an online messageboard. What is it with news anchors?)

Well, since then, she’s moved on to reporting more serious events, it seems, as Reed recently went all Nancy Phillips and got a murder suspect to confess to shooting a 12-year-old girl.

{Eric] Wilson confessed his role during a phone interview with 19 Action News Anchor Sharon Reed Monday evening - and apologized to the victim’s family.

Wilson says he understands - having five daughters of his own.

Wilson is still on the lam, but there’s a $5,000 reward for his capture. Reed is planning to celebrate by stripping off all her clothes over the phone.

Funeral Arrangements Set for Murder Victim Asteve’e “Cookie” Thomas [WOIO]
Sharon Reed Gets Naked [Metacafe]

Naked Teen Also Has Slits In Side Of Thighs

Yesterday, a teen boy — who just so happened to be naked, a la the slippery guy from that famous Philadelphia COPS episode — accidentally shot himself. Whoops!

Here’s what happened: The 17-year-old was screwing a 14-year-old girl when three of the girl’s cousins came into the house. Somehow, the boy didn’t make all his fantasies come true — well, if the cousins were girls, I dunno — and got into an argument with the three cousins. Then came, uh, the part I don’t quite get.

The situation came to a head when the naked boy retrieved a handgun from his pants nearby. “He waved it around and said, ‘I should shoot all three of you,’ ” said Lt. John Walker, of Southwest Detectives.

But the false bravado didn’t serve the teen well. “He subsequently attempted to put the weapon back into his pocket, pulled the trigger and shot himself in the leg,” Walker said.

Now… did he put his pants back on? Did he attempt to put the gun back in the pants on the back of a chair or whereever? Did he attempt to put the gun back into the pants that weren’t on his leg? Details, people, details.

Oh, this story also has a premature ejaculation joke about a 17-year-old, so at least that part of the it is accurate.

Naked teen: ‘I should shoot . . . you’ [Daily News]

The Worst Job In The Phillies Organization

The Phillies may have lost to the Brewers yesterday to drop back below .500, but there was at least one local winner yesterday: I’m talking about, of course, the usher who had to cover up a streaker’s junk with a pair of pants.

The Inquirer’s Todd Zolecki runs the Old School references into the ground just a bit in his thorough blog post about the naked guy who ran onto the field just before the top of the seventh inning. Zolecki says he looks like Will Ferrell. (Only he has a beard, and doesn’t really look much like him.)

The Ferrell lookalike could face a $1500 fine and a year in prison. One can only assume the usher covering him up is reconsidering if he really needs this job even though he gets to watch all the baseball games for free.

The Phillies are Streaking [The Zo Zone]
Streaker at Phillies game [Flickr]
[Awesome photo thanks to jusbuss on Flickr]

School District With Alleged Naked Meth Dealer As Principal Unfairly Reported On By Local Newspaper

Alleged meth-dealin’, gay porn-watchin’, sex toy-ownin’, naked principal John Acerra isn’t the only alleged perpetrator in the case of the principal who dealt meth, watched gay porn, had sex toys and was naked all in his office.

No, according to the superintendent of the Bethlehem Area School District, Joseph Lewis, the whole thing is just an evil plot by the Allentown Morning Call. Or, rather, the whole thing isn’t an evil plot, but the newspaper isn’t helping.

In a story late last week, the paper reported the head of the teachers’ union expressed concern about Acerra’s absences, including one just five days before the principal was arrested for dealing meth from his office after hours. (He never sold any drugs to kids, huzzah.)

And the paper also asked Lewis for a comment:

In a phone interview, Lewis declined to talk about Acerra’s record as an administrator. “That is none of your business,” he said. “You can dig all you want. I’m a little tired of how The Morning Call is besmirching this district.” Then he hung up.

Ha. Fantastic. The newspaper must be angry he’s accusing them of besmirching the district (whatever) and then hanging up. Wait, what? Okay, I’ll read the editorial from the same day.

Give credit to Superintendent Joseph Lewis for directing a straightforward response.

Union complained about principal [Allentown Morning Call]
Arrest of principal offers lessons on authority, accountability, openness [Allentown Morning Call]
Archives: John Acerra

Naked Sex-Crazed Legislator Keeps State House Red

Despite the election switching the Pennsylvania House to Democratic control, 102-101, Republican State Rep. John Perzel will remain Speaker. Why? Well, one Berks County Democrat, pissed he didn’t get a leadership position, plans to vote today for Perzel as a form of revenge.

Well, okay, the State Rep. — 64-year-old Thomas Caltagirone — didn’t say he was doing it as a form of revenge, but all the other Democrats and everybody, ever, can tell it’s done because the poor baby didn’t get to be on the important House Committee on Legally Being Corrupt or whatever.

Protesters camped outside Caltagirone’s office yesterday, urging him to change his mind rather than take his ball so nobody else can play. And Philadelphia State Rep. wondered if Ed Rendell was “in a safe house,” uncovering an even bigger story that someone’s trying to kill the governor.

Caltagirone is no stranger to making headlines. As the Inquirer’s Cynthia Burton notes:

Caltagirone last made statewide headlines in the mid-1990s, when an aide accused him of sexual harassment. The aide said she walked into a room, found him lying naked on a bed, and when she fled, he followed her in a car and threatened her at gunpoint. A state grand jury investigated, but no charges were ever filed. About two years ago, Caltagirone rehired the aide.

His Christmas party must be awesome.

Colleagues: Pa. House switch is revenge [Inquirer]
Dec. 21, 2006: Dem. State House Leader Uses Inspiring Rhetoric From Confederate General Also Famous For Killing Mexican Civilians

Leftovers: Nude Protest Somehow Awful

• There was a nude protest in front of the Burberry store today by PETA. As intrepid quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes shows in the photograph at right, though, it was the worst nude protest ever, not even including any nudity. Those girls must be cold, though. Somebody throw a bear rug over them to keep them warm, or something. [Johnny Goodtimes]

• We Americans love our crap, but apparently we have a limit! The Inquirer’s Madhusmita Bora reports today that business is extremely slow for those who opened carts and kiosks at malls for the holidays. Your pre-paid phone cards and cheap jewelry just don’t have the same pull they used to. [Inquirer]

• The Flyers made another trade today, sending a draft pick and a player you’ve never heard of for another player you don’t know. I don’t know about you, but I’m prepping for a Stanley Cup parade already. [The Phanatic]

• Premarital sex is normal. Thank God. Unless he’s pissed. Then I don’t know what to think. [AP/CNN.com]

Update: Adult Content Removed From PhiladelphiaEagles.com (Except For Cheerleader Lingere Shots, Of Course)

Aw. After about 20-odd hours up on the website, the Eagles finally noticed and took the Sean Considine/Joselio Hanson video down.

Ahh, well, we’ll always have our memories (and the hope that someone with better tech skills than I do captured it for further hilarity).

Sean Considine - Postgame Interview (Since Removed) [PhiladelphiaEagles.com]
Cheerleaders Warning Page [PhiladelphiaEagles.com]
Earlier today: Football Players Gone Wild
Last night: Joselio Hanson Shows His Dime Package