Why The Eagles Will Win The Super Bowl

Every sports fan has a conspiracy theory about his favorite sport. Juiced baseballs. Collegiate referees betting on games and making a killing. Forced steroid injections.

A lot of these theories are bunk, but this one is true: The NFL is rigged. It’s the only major sport that uses radios. Referees have a lot of leeway about what calls to make. People gamble a lot of money on it. Come on, last year’s Super Bowl? No way Eli Manning leads a game-winning drive to beat the 18-0 Patriots. No way.

Now that I’ve given you this mountain of circumstantial evidence (and not even, really), I hope you’ve come to agree. But don’t fret! It’s like pro wrestling: The actors have a lot of leeway, and it’s still pretty fun to watch. And there’s an added bonus: Since the NFL is rigged, this football season has only one logical conclusion.

The Philadelphia Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl.

Think about it: There isn’t a much better story than Andy Reid and the once-benched Donovan McNabb rallying the Eagles to finally win the big one. Even if it’s not the NFL has to be worried about this city embracing the Phillies after winning the World Series. (The NFL saw only two football moments on that 100 years of Phillymag piece and was totally concerned.)

I hope the NFL doesn’t mind my suggestion here for a way to end the regular season. If things fall as they might, the Eagles and Cowboys’ final regular season game could be a “play-in” game for the playoffs. The Eagles would be 9-5-1; Dallas 9-6. The game goes to overtime. Nobody can move the ball… and the game can end with Donovan McNabb kneeling out for the tie that puts the Birds at 9-5-2 and puts them into the playoffs.

The rest is easy: Beating up on a bad division champ in the wild card round, beating the Giants at the Meadowlands again in the divisional round, et cetera. Now that I’ve mentioned it, doesn’t it all just seem to fall into place?

Cook Calls For Man’s Execution During Football Broadcast

When a Philadelphia sports team has a nationally televised game, the broadcast always includes at least one camera shot of Pat’s and Geno’s. (This is either an FCC rule or sports producers are too lazy to come up with new ideas. Hmm, I think it might be the latter.)

CBS obliged during Sunday’s Eagles-Steelers tilt, and what did we see at Geno’s? That’s right: The famed official Daniel Faulkner shirt calling for Mumia Abu-Jamal’s execution. (For more fun, check out the whole selection of tacky gear available on the Daniel Faulkner Online Store. They even co-opted the “Never forget” slogan.)

I’m fairly certain this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this shirt on a football broadcast, at Geno’s. That shirt might even be the uniform. You do have to hand it to the cops (and, um, cheesesteak cooks). There aren’t too many people who are semi-regularly told they should die on national TV. I’m not sure if that bodes well for the Domelights/Geno’s/Michael Smerconish crowd, though: Nobody was all that successful in killing the other guy I can think of who got that kind of treatment (Osama Bin Laden).

Eagles To Play Thanksgiving (Will You See It?)

Well, look at this! The Eagles will play on Thanksgiving night this year at home against the Arizona Cardinals. In addition to their division games and the four games against the rotating AFC opponent (this year, the North, where they’ll play the Steelers, Ravens, Bengals and Browns), the Eagles will also play the 49ers, Falcons, Seahawks, Rams and Bears.

But the Thanksgiving game might be the most interesting, and just because it’s on, well, Thanksgiving. The NFL and Comcast are still having a tug of war over what “tier” the NFL Network should be on, part of the most boring controversy in world history. (I just love it when multi-million dollar corporations fight.) Now, Comcast’s home market of Philadelphia has a high-profile game that will be airing on NFL Network! What better way to shame them (or something) into doing their bidding. That crafty NFL!

Jersey Cops Crack Down On NFL Players So Stoned They Get Caught With Weed

Okay, New Jersey, this simply must stop. Just a day after the news breaks that Eagles’ defensive tackle Mike Patterson was charged with marijuana possession in Evesham Township, possibly former NFL running back Wali Lundy was arrested for possession of the wacky weed in Burlington Township.

Most people caught with weed don’t go to prison, and NFL players are no exception. The Eagles aren’t treating Patterson’s marijuana infraction as anything serious; he supposedly won’t face a suspension from the league. Lundy was apparently found smoking pot at a playground, which means he will probably be tried as a juvenile. They’ll both just end up having to pay, essentially, a fine.

Former NFL and county standout charged with drug possession [Burlington County Times]
Eagles’ Patterson charged with marijuana possession in N.J. [Daily News]

Arlen Specter Continues To Annoy

Arlen Specter finally met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell regarding Spygate. The NFL scandal concerns videotaping of opposing teams by the New England Patriots, which allowed a historically awful franchise and a former Cleveland Browns coach to win three Super Bowls.

Specter met with the NFL commish and said he wasn’t satisfied with the results of his discussion; he’s already planning on holding hearings about the destruction of the Patriots’ tapes of other teams. He’s even thinking of getting rid of the NFL’s antitrust exemption!

In the clip attached to this post, The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart discusses how Arlen Specter is an absolutely worthless senator.

Oh, Arlen [The Daily Examiner]
Goodell’s explanation doesn’t sway Specter [LA Times]

Old Newspapers Are Always Awesome

The Inquirer has a gallery of 41 years of day after Super Bowl sports pages, from the Green Bay Packers’ win in the first Super Bowl to the Mastercard Priceless Pep Talks victory over the Bears last year. (Psst: Hey, can you guys please do more of this?) The Inquirer also has links to the game story from each year, which is going to make local sports fans feel old when they realize Gordon Forbes recapped Super Bowl 3.

There’s a ton of fun stuff, including the Inky’s concise headline for the Eagles’ Super Bowl 15 loss, “Eagles save their worst for last as Raiders romp to crown, 27-10.” I think my favorite cover is the one attached to this post, where the big story was not that the Packers won but that the team they beat was better than the previous year’s.

41 Years of Inquire Sports Pages from Super Monday [Inquirer]

Legalized Sports Betting In A.C.?

Earlier this year, several people in New Jersey were arrested for allegedly running a casino out of a Borgata poker room. While we here in this country do simply love sending people to jail for activities between consenting adults, apparently some people in New Jersey feel otherwise: They’d like to legalize sports gambling in Atlantic City!

Two former assembly members, senators Jim Whelan and Jeff Van Drew — who you may remember from attack ads that made them out to be child-rapists last year — are at the forefront of the push to legalize sports gambling in Atlantic City. Sports gambling is regulated by federal law, and New Jersey missed its previous chance to legalize it, so it could become a messy states’ rights issue that will no doubt be decided in favor of the federal government.

But, hey, who knows? I don’t know who would gamble in AC when Internet sports gambling is plentiful and no doubt has better odds. But, hey, if horse racing is the sport of kings and that’s base on killing horses and betting on it, who’s to say Atlantic City shouldn’t get a piece of the action? Well, the National Football League, paragons of virtue and holiness and sponsors of fantasy football, doesn’t think so!

“It’s bad policy because it turns human players into roulette chips with the sanction of the state,” said NFL attorney David H. Remes.

What the hell does that even mean? Oh, no, the big ‘roided-up men and their spying coaches might have their integrity ruined, wah wah wah. Human-roulette chip hybrids! What ever will we do? The NFL’s lawyer might as well as it’s bad policy because it turns human players into zombies that will overrun the earth, a la Resident Evil. Hey, we should be able to gamble on video games, too!

Bid renewed to bring sports betting to A.C. [AP/Philly.com]

Arlen Specter Gives Sloppy Kiss To David Cohen

At a hearing yesterday run by Sen. Arlen Specter, the focus was supposed to be on Comcast (and other cable companies) and its decision to not sell its sports networks — the various Comcast SportsNet affiliates — to satellite dish companies. (This makes sense for Comcast, since they’re a cable company, but isn’t quite as good for your average fan in Philadelphia, Baltimore/Washington, Chicago, Sacramento or L.A.)

Instead, Specter decided to bash the NFL instead, for selling its “Sunday Ticket” package only to DirecTV, threatening to get rid of the NFL’s antitrust exemption — which would allow teams to negotiate their own TV deals, among other things. Yeah, what I really want is the “Eagles Television Network” — which does a God-awful job on preseason games — doing the regular season, too.

Specter also cited the move of the Baltimore Colts to Indianapolis, which happened in 1982. (Glad you got on that one right away, Mr. Senator.) Of course, while proposing legislation that would strip the NFL of its antitrust exemption, Specter said he would “consider” legislation that would force Comcast to sell their sports networks to satellite TV companies.

The problem here is, of course, both companies. The NFL received its antitrust exemption with the assumption the games would be free for all to watch and Comcast shouldn’t be able to have a monopoly on its sports programming. But with politicians in charge of fixing it, well… don’t expect anything to happen anytime soon.

Specter says NFL abuses cable viewers [Inquirer]