The World May Be Free To Rock In, But Parking Is Not

“Okay, parking, parking, what would be a good lead for a story about parking… hmm… euphemism for car sex? Nah, not in the Inquirer! Wait, a music reference! Yes, that’s it. Well, let’s see, the story’s about the Philadelphia Parking Authority’s new overnight ticketing of people in front of hyrdrants, in fire zones, et cetera.

“The Cars? ‘More parking enforcement is just what the city needed!’ Nah, that’s too on-point. How about Gary Numan? ‘Here in my car, I can get ticketed for parking, in front of a fire hydrant, even at four a.m. … in cars!’ No, no, that’s too long. Paradise by the dashboard light featuring Phil Rizzuto?

“Wait, I got it!”

Rust never sleeps.

Neither does the Philadelphia Parking Authority, which since October has run a third shift between 10:30 p.m. and 6:30 a.m. to crack down on the most potentially dangerous violations of the city’s parking laws.

Over at 14th Windiest State, RJ came up with a mini-contest: Come up with your best alterna-lead for the story, using other Neil Young song titles. Buffalo Springfield and CSNY count, too, which is nice, because then I can use “Stop, hey! What’s that sound? Your car is headed to the impound!”

Ticketing on four-way street [14th Windiest State]
Overnight parking crackdown grows [Inquirer]

Organic Argument: Neil Young At Reading Terminal

Editor’s Note: PW Music Editor Brian McManus attended the press conference for Farm Aid this morning at the Reading Terminal Market. (You see, the Terminal is an example of sustainable agriculture. TMYK.) His report about the presser follows. Enjoy!

Neil Young is set to appear at Reading Terminal Market to announce the line-up for September’s Farm Aid at the Tweeter Center in Camden, tell us to buy local produce and, look surprisingly good in a hat no one who isn’t from Australia should attempt to wear.

Just as he’s about to take to the podium a tall, fat man with bucked teeth stands in front of a short, fit man with teeth I didn’t notice. Short, fit, un-notewothery teeth could no longer see and didn’t mind telling Badteeth about his displeasure. He then began calling Badteeth an asshole and various other nouns.

Badteeth responded with a, “Grow a few inches or move to the front! What can I tell ya?”

As Neil is announced, Badteeth raises his arms and hoots, looking back at Short/fit with a shit-eating grin to rub it in. It was at this point that Short/fit’s wife/girlfriend/acquaintance/concubine kicked Badteeth in the back of his leg.

“Did you just kick me, you bitch!?”

Then the following phrases were uttered, in no particular order: “I’m gonna grab a cop.” “Batty cunt!” “Git da fuck outta here!” “He’s nuts” and “Git da fuck off me.”

All of this happened while Neil spoke quietly about sustained farming, organic and traditional farming + other forms of farming.

A cop came, took statements and escorted Badteeth out of the building while a man with a sign reading “MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR” looked on.

Welcome to Philly, farmers.

Photo by Jeff Fusco