St. Joe’s Students Have Horrible Taste In Music

I’m on the mailing list for The Hawk, the official student newspaper of the St. Joe’s. I can’t really remember anything the paper has done since calling Cardinal Rigali gay in last year’s joke issue, but it turns out the paper has a horrible taste in music. Just look!

Yes, that’s Coldplay, leading The Hawk’s albums of the year section. It’s apparently just a random assortment of staff picks, which is why one of the albums of the year is also the Jonas Brothers. I’ll admit I’m not much of a music fan; I believe I broke my girlfriend’s ears with my constant playing of the 10-disc NFL Films soundtrack. Brian is definitely the one who should be tackling this. But whatever, I particularly liked the first sentence to the review of the Seasick Steve album, which is a person and/or band I believe was made up, and I wanted to note it:

In a world full of cute Stevie Ray Vaughn impersonators, Seasick Steve is a return to the gritty roadhouse sound of John Lee Hooker and Hound Dog Taylor.

I Apparently Hate A Lot Of Music

Kerri-Lee’s blog has a post with a list of a few people’s most hated songs of all time. Most of the selections were pretty obvious (sorry, guys), so I decided to go at it and write my most hated songs.

Somehow, it turned into a list of my most hated bands. It also turned into a ridiculous rant against pretty much every artist in the world — and I left a ton of bands I hate out. Here it is reproduced (with at least one typo corrected!) for your enjoyment.

Anything by Aerosmith, but especially their ballads (”I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” is the prime example). Bonus hate points for Steven Tyler for looking older than Mick Jagger. Hey, the poor man’s Rolling Stones are even less attractive than the original!

Anything by Billy Joel. A Joel song is okay and kinda catchy the first time you hear it. The second or third time, it starts to wear on you. By the 10th time you hear it, you’re ready to invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent Billy Joel from ever writing “Still Rock and Roll To Me.”

Any of the awful way-too-long classic rock songs — “Stairway to Heaven” (it suffers from being overplayed, and is not one of Zep’s stronger songs to boot), “American Pie” (anything by the Big Bopper, incidentally), “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” (where do I start?), “Layla” (see: Stairway to Heaven), “Freebird” (and “Sweet Home Alabama,” too). A special on-its-own mention for “Another Brick in the Wall” by sacred cows Pink Floyd, a bunch of ultra-talented musicians who got together to make awful, awful music. “Hey Jude” just narrowly misses the list.

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Only Apply If You’re METAL Enough

Major local media outlet is looking for freelance music journalists who specialize in METAL.

You must be passionate about METAL and have an extensive knowledge of the local METAL scene, relevant bands, releases, and history.

Your Craigslist ad of the day, people. METAL. Thanks, Emily G.

We Talkin’ ‘Bout Stoppin’ The Violence, Here

Okay, so a couple of musicians are making a “stop the violence” CD. Whatever. Good, actually. But, uh:

They don’t need to practice because they’ve been living everything they sing, they said.

Yeah. I think it might be better if you practiced. Unless, of course, you’re Allen Iverson.

Local Musicians Cut Anti-Violence Song, Video [NBC 10]

It Begins: Kevin Michael Virus Begins To Spread From Phil! A! Del! Phia! To Rest Of Country

The song’s free on iTunes if you want it.

May 1: Phillycars.com Spokesman New Gnarls Barkley

Phillycars.com Spokesman New Gnarls Barkley

Hey, remember Kevin from Phillycars.com? Yeah, you remember him. He sang the “Phil! A! Del! Phia! That’s where I come from!” song on the ad for Brian Tierney’s car site back in December and early this year. (It’s at right if you, like, weren’t watching the Rose Bowl or something.)

Well, Kevin Michael, the star of that Phillycars.com ad, is back. But he’s not just back. He’s going to be the next great superstar. You heard me right. The kid from the Phillycars.com ad is on Downtown Records, the label that broke Gnarls Barkley — aka “Crazy,” aka the song that was ubiquitous last summer — in a project they’ve dubbed “The Kevin Michael Project.” (His real name is Kevin Michael Seward.) The article reads like some sort of joke piece. Honestly.

Jessica Pressler writes in this month’s Phillymag about said Kevin Michael project, and, um, oh my God. My brain exploded about 15 times reading this article. The whole idea is to make Kevin “Phil! A! Del! Phia!” Michael a brand and so he can become a big superstar on the level of Michael Jackson or Beyonce or something.

I can’t even really explain the entire article — I’m still reassembling pieces of my brain right now — but there’s so much here I can excerpt some things in charticle format.

• Kevin Michael on how he can branch out after becoming a big star: “I’m really focusing on branding myself right now. There’s so much to do. You can act, model, start fashion lines, sell things on QVC. The possibilities are endless.” Pressler: “[S]urely Prince never spoke of QVC?”
• His father is Henry Seward, but goes by the name Ric Star. He’s had some run-ins with the law — “Not like killing anyone or armed robbery or anything like that” — and has been Michael’s manager since Michael was little and singing backup for Star’s own band after sneaking into clubs.
• Michael compares his father to the father of the King of Pop: “It was like Joe Jackson without the beating.”

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Fall Out Boy Cribbed From 99 Percent Of Local Bands

The Daily News‘ Dan Gross reports today on the band the kids tell me is hip and popular today, Fall Out Boy. Apparently, local artist Nicholas Hans is thinking of suing the band for stealing his idea.

This is the second alleged Fall Out Boy-related thievery in weeks, as Gross reported earlier this month the band had reached an out-of-court settlement with Wesley Eisold, who the band lists as co-writing several songs on Infinity on High. The band apparently took lyrics from songs written by Eisold and performed by his old band, American Nightmare, on its previous album.

And what did they allegedly crib from Hans? Well, in 2001 Hans’ band Knives Out toured and sold a shirt with a drawing of a wrist with a ribbon on it that says “Do not open until Christmas.” The lyric “The ribbon on my wrist says, ‘Do not open before Christmas,’” is on a 2005 Fall Out Boy album.

Hans says the band “100 percent ripped us off.” Nicholas Hans is also planning action against Radiohead, for its song “Knives Out” on 2001’s Amnesiac, NBC for unauthorized use of the characters Hans and Franz and Santa Claus for stealing that whole “St. Nicolas” thing.

Dan Gross | Fall Out Boy is in his sights [Daily News]

Piano-Playing Kitty Wows YouTubers, Journalists

When the Inquirer laid off workers last year, many wondered if the paper would still have the resources to cover the stories that you, Joe Average Reader, need to know about the area.

The answer, of course, is a resounding yes. Today’s Inquirer contains a (freelance) column about Nora, the Philadelphia cat who plays the piano. The kitty has been viewed more than 600,000 times in three weeks, has spawned countless imitators and has “received 21 YouTube honors, including February’s third-most-viewed pets and animals video.”

And, uh, she’s a prodigy or something:

“She really has the personality of a great composer,” Alexander said of Nora. “Maybe she’s Beethoven. She puts her ear towards the piano, doesn’t get along with the other cats, and definitely likes to be in the spotlight.”

Don’t believe the hype? See for yourself.

Fortunately, the local TV stations have smelled soft news and — like a shark going for blood — have moved into the water, as I’ve already seen promos for a story on Nora on at least one local TV station so far.

Yep. Covering the city, indeed.

Piano-playing cat is YouTube star [Inquirer]

Horrible Chain Store Promises First Good Location

Just about a two and a half months after the company’s sale and liquidation were announced, the Tower Records on South Street closed yesterday after seven years.

Inquirer music critic Dan DeLuca writes about the factors in music store closings: MP3s, big chains like Target and Best Buy pricing new releases at $10, etc. Some small stores — a.k.a. music on Seconds Street — are still doing well, kind of serving up CDs and a “culture” that possibly makes you feel cool when you go inside. (DeLuca references High Fidelity, which sounds about right.)

He also lets us know just what’s going in the old Tower Records location on Broad Street, which did some of the company’s best business.

f.y.e. spokesman John Sullivan said this week that Trans World had bought the lease of the Tower store on Broad Street, and plans to open a store as early as February. He said this store - the chain’s area flagship - would be more music-centric than most, with “a good classical selection” to rival Tower’s.

A good f.y.e.? I’ll believe it when I see it.

Digital era sounds death knell for some, not all, retailers [Inquirer]

Kids Nowadays Can’t Even Get Their Stupid Psychopathic References Correct

After Tuesday’s tragic suicide of a student at Springfield (Montco) High School, two students from other Montgomery County schools had a bright idea yesterday: Hey, how about we threaten to blow up our school!

The two schools in question are Soudertown High and Springford High. Soudertown was locked down after someone found a note referencing Columbine and Tuesday’s incident. Springford officials discovered a bomb threat in the bathroom, but Limerick Township police say a 16-year-old junior has confessed to writing the note.

In addition to being, uh, stupid, it’s also incorrect. Tuesday’s event was a suicide, not a school shooting. The correct reference here is not Columbine, but Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy.” (Or, if you want, the newspaper article that inspired the song. Thanks, Wikipedia!)

I know the kiddies aren’t quite into the Pearl Jam these days, but, c’mon, do a little research people. You don’t want to look even stupider.

Two Montco Schools Receive Threats [KYW 1060]
Tuesday: Student Shoots Self At Montco H.S., School District Posts Note On Website And Moves On