Prison To Close; Worse People To Move In?

See the people in the photo at right? That is the America’s new enemy. (Not specifically them, but I was searching for “white affluent-looking couple with no taste” and I think this stock photo fits it perfectly.)

But, anyway, the white suburban family with at least one kid is America’s new enemy not so much for what it it — though its members are usually annoying, natch — but for what it brings: Traffic. And on suburban Philadelphia roads originally designed for plows and the Amish and the one motor coach owned by the Pitcairn family (or whatever), traffic is a major problem with new developments sprout up and suddenly you’re sitting in traffic on Old Goat Road, one lane each way, and it takes you 45 minutes to get to the ACME down the street.

In fact, traffic is such a problem that Skippack residents are ready to rally to keep a jail in their community. The state is contemplating moving decades-old Graterford Prison, and Skippack Township residents are worried about new condos and other houses, and worried about the extra traffic it would bring.

The site is currently only zoned for a prison, farming or open space, but if the state can make a killing off of a nice-sized plot of land if Graterford were to be closed… well… let’s just say if you live in the ‘burbs, you’re going to be stuck in traffic for the remainder of your natural life. Maybe longer.

Worse than jail? Sprawl [Inquirer]

Stolen Yorkie Returned, Declares Experience ‘Terrifying’

Yes, the stolen Yorkie pup taken from a Montgomery County pet shop has been returned and the pet shop owners will keep the doggy, now named Garcia after the city’s favorite Latino.

As you can see from the above photo, Garcia talked to the media about his experience, which is more than I can say for Barbaro, who has never, not once, talked to the media that reports on him so much. Thanks, Garcia. You’re cuter than that stupid horse, too.

Pricey Stolen Pooch Returned Unharmed [CBS 3]

Montco Man Sues Some Dude Named Larry

Atlanta Braves third baseman Chipper Jones was sued last week by a Montgomery County man, the Inquirer’s Mark Fazlollah writes.

Stephen M. Cohen, of East Norriton, seeks more than $50,000 in damages in the suit. He contends that, on Sept. 3 at 11:30, when he and a group of friends yelled to get Jones’ attention, the player ignored him. Then, after calling for Jones’ attention again, Jones “threw Cohen down on the marble floor, and began to physically assault Cohen.”

In a police report from this incident, it’s only labeled as a verbal altercation using Chipper Jones’ real first name, Larry. (You should all call him this the 10 times the Braves visit Citizens Bank Park next year. Go on. Just all chant “Larry.”)

After the incident, the Phils and Braves split a doubleheader. (Or, a “double-hitter.” Thanks, Inquirer.)

Cohen’s lawyer says his client is suffering from anxiety stemming from the attack. The anxiety of baseball players busting into his house and beating him up? I can sympathize with that.

Braves player is named in local suit [Inquirer]

Keystone Cops: Why Not Easy Buttons?

Keystone Cops is a look at police, crime and public safety news.

• Twenty Montco schools will respond to the Amish school shooting and the Springfield suicide by getting panic buttons. Yes! Panic buttons! They’ll be able to communicate with police and such, too, so I suppose it’s all good. [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• A former Camden County volunteer fire chief has been convicted of arson. It’s always the one you most suspect. [KYW 1060]

• A Widener College student has been arrested for allegedly beating a dog to death in the woods. The dead dog’s name is not known, but he’s sure to get just as many letters as Barbaro did. What? A dead dog can read just as well as a live horse! [NBC 10]

• A Bensalem 14-year-old who allegedly wrote bomb threats on the walls of Bensalem High has been arrested and charged with threatening to use a weapon of mass destruction. This is coincidentally the same charge used to invade Iraq. Who knew? [AP/Philly.com]

• And they appeared to have caught him now? I think? But last week Fox News reported police in England were contacting Atlantic City cops to see if there were any links between the two cases. Uh, yeah. [Fox News via Philly Confidential]

Student Shoots Self At Montco H.S., School District Posts Note On Website And Moves On

Earlier today, reports — KYW 1060! NBC 10! Muthafuckin CNN! — came out of a shooting at Springfield (Montco.) High School.

The Springfield Township School District has released a statement and the cable TV news networks are already bored and have moved away to more important stories about Christmas trees at Seattle’s airport:

We have received a report that a student brought a rifle to the High School. Shots were fired. Some students left the building. What we know is that an unidentified student shot himself. NOBODY ELSE HAS BEEN INJURED. All buildings will remain in Lockdown until further notice. The Police are escorting students from the High School to the Middle School. We will keep you informed every ten minutes as we receive more information. Parents, please stay away from all buildings until we have more information. Students are safe and emergency response and District personnel are on site. It is now 10:15 a.m

The school seems to be saying, “Geeze, guys, it’s just a little case of a student buying a rifle and shooting himself in school. We updated a note on our website, calm down now.”

Springfield Township School District
Report of Shots Fired by Student at Springfield (Montco) H.S. [KYW 1060]
District: Student Shoots Self At High School [NBC 10]

Ringing The Taco Bell

Yesterday, Taco Bell shut down all 15 of its Philadelphia restaurants after E. coli — which has sickened diners in New York, New Jersey and Montgomery County — was found at a City Restaurant. (One might say this is just desserts for eating at Taco Bell. One would be right.)

The shutdown of the 15 Taco Bells is a voluntary measure, done because the E. coli is suspected to come from green onions that were shipped to a Burlington City warehouse. The first three sickened Montco diners ate at the Gilbertsville Taco Bell, while a fourth — who wasn’t interviewed until yesterday — ate at a suburban Philadelphia restaurant.

Over in Jersey, Taco Bells in Camden County aren’t being closed, although Inquirer reporter Marie McCullough writes that people weren’t too interested in buying tacos:

During the busy noontime rush at the Cherry Hill Mall food court, holiday shoppers stood in long lines for pizza, sushi, Philly-style cheesesteaks - but not soft tacos. Only three customers walked up over a 30-minute period.

One, Angel Hernandez of Pennsauken, had not heard the news about the possibly dangerous green onions. He was surprised but not deterred.

“I eat here all the time,” Hernandez said, paying for his soft-taco combo. “I’ve never had a problem.”

Joe McCarron of Coatesville heard about the outbreak but didn’t know all nine Taco Bells in Montgomery County were closed.

“I thought it was one specific place, not the whole enchilada, so to speak,” he quipped.

After learning the extent of the problem, he drove off to get lunch at Chick-Fil-A.

Hey! The Inquirer owes Taco Bell like $5.59 for the business it drove away!

Update: All nine Camden County Taco Bells are now closed.

E. coli believed found in city [Inquirer]

Rub a dub dub (fire in the hot tub)

Out in Montgomery County, which is sort of like a nicer version of Bucks County, some people have fancy enough houses to have outdoor hot tubs. That’s good for them. However, sometimes things can go south quickly (emphasis mine):

Hot tub causes fire: An electrical fire Monday night caused by an outdoor hot tub resulted in damage to a backyard deck and the siding of a home on the 100 block of Sunrise Drive but was confined there.

Gerry Grover, the township’s director of fire services, said the fire was called in at 1:06 a.m. Police, North Penn Fire Co. and the Volunteer Medical Service Corps of Lansdale assisted the Montgomery Township Fire Department at the scene.

Grover did not believe the home’s occupants needed to seek shelter.

Wait. So they have to sleep outside? Near where the fire was? How do you people do things out there?

Police news 3.1.06 [Doylestown Intelligencer]
Photo by clurr

Disorder in the court

From the Doylestown Intelligencer crime log, which last week brought us man hired off the street corner in Brooklyn who later stole a $12 check in Upper Moreland, there’s a new criminal in that fair town:

Man cited for disorderly conduct: Jeffrey Cybok, 28, of the 2900 block of Blair Mill Road in Upper Moreland, tore up and threw on the ground a disorderly conduct citation he was issued after a 10:30 a.m. incident Saturday at Simmons Elementary School, police said.

A woman told officers she was at the Babylon Road school to see her child wrestle when she saw Cybok there. When she attempted to leave, he refused to let them by picking up the child.

Cybok cursed and screamed at the woman and officers in the parking lot before he was placed under arrest, taken to the township building, and later released, when he tore up the citation, police said.

So, basically, if you didn’t follow, Cybok was cited for disorderly conduct, then was cited with disorderly conduct again for tearing up his original citation. (I think.) Upper Moreland crime is the new Bucks County crime.

Police news 2.15.06 [Doylestown Intelligencer]
Feb. 9: Crooklyn