Defendant Tries ‘Giant Penis’ Defense

The lawyer for a Lansdale man accused of raping a 13-year-old girl wants to have a plaster cast made of his client’s penis to use as evidence at his trial that he didn’t commit the crime.

His defense lawyer, Marvin Gold of Hatboro, on Thursday explained his reasoning behind seeking the cast. He said that his client’s penis is apparently “extremely large.”

Gold also told the court — all of this really actually happened — “It occurs to me that, given my client’s size, it’s unusual there were no injuries.” It appears we’ve stumbled upon the “my penis is too large to commit rape” defense, a close cousin of the “I’m too pretty to rape someone” defense. Classy!

The defense lawyer for Ronald McDade asked last month how he should display his client’s genitals to the jury; after the judge acquiesced to a photo of his penis, the lawyer came up with the idea for a giant plaster dildo. Prison officials refused.

The prosecution is, naturally, opposed to the idea, saying that McDade’s “demand to provide the defendant privacy in prison so that he may… make a plaster cast of his erect penis is outrageous, offensive, and sensational. It makes a mockery of the criminal justice system and this court.” Hmm.

DA opposed plaster in rape case [The Intelligencer]

Montco: Don’t Bring Home Bombs

Montgomery County authorities are warning people to not bring bombs back from the beach as souvenirs. You’d think common sense would stop people from bringing back unexploded World War II munitions back from the shore, but (as we all know) people are stupid.

Apparently, a mortar round was recently brought to Narberth Police, and the Montco Bomb Squad had to retrieve one from an Upper Dublin home. For some reason, the unexploded munitions are buried on New Jersey beaches and for some even worse reason, people decide to bring them home. For fun!

“This munitions or mortar shell is equivalent to three sticks of dynamite, dropping them can set them off, riding them in a car can set them off or burying them,” Montgomery County Sheriff John Durante told CBS 3. (His email was then hacked into.)

So, yes, here’s a friendly warning: Don’t play with any bombs. Well, unless you’re playing a really good prank on a friend.

Warning Issued Concerning ‘Beach Bombs’ [CBS 3]

The Sex-Toy Defense

The murder trial of Mark Patrick O’Donnell in Montgomery County on Friday somehow turned into a sex toy show. O’Donnell is charged with killing his girlfriend’s daughter, 14-year-old Ebony Dorsey; the Daily News writes the prosecution’s case paints O’Donnell as a crackhead sex fiend.

But, whoops, the defense has another theory, and then this happened:

First, Assistant District Attorney Kevin Steele walked to the back of the room and asked a group of teenage girls to leave – “It’s probably not a good idea to be in here” - as Santarelli slid on a pair of rubber gloves and got to work.

Judge William J. Furber, who is presiding over the nonjury trial, nodded stoically as the detective displayed a vibrator, purple anal beads, a bottle of “pleasure-enhancing lubricant,” a videotape titled “Big Bad Biker Bitches” and a mysterious sex device with wires coming out of it. “Whatever this device is,” Santarelli said from the witness stand, holding up what appeared to be a black tassel whip.

Ahh, yes, the sex toy defense, where you attempt to… to what, exactly? Oh no, the victim’s mother had sex toys, clearly this defendant is innocent. Innocent, biker bitches!

Mom’s sex toys displayed during man’s murder trial [Daily News]

M. Night Shyamalan Votes!

Local actual celebrity and movie director M. Night Shyamalan was spotted voting out on the Main Line.

KYW 1060’s Mark Abrams reports:

Filmmaker M. Knight Shyamalan was at the polling place at the Gladwyn fire company in Lower Merion township to cast his vote: “I had a tough time deciding. I did. You know, I hung out with them, I’ve listened to them and it was a tough one. It’s great; we had some amazing choices this year”

No he didn’t offer who got his vote, Clinton or Obama. But in this case, there’s an “Unbreakable” bond between voter and candidate.

Okay, I’m making the “Signs” for a foul call here. You don’t need a “Sixth Sense” to know that’s even worse than any joke I’d make. Actually, I would guess Shyamalan would be a Hillary Clinton fan, since he probably read her book, It Takes A “Village.” That joke was almost as bad as that awful movie “Lady in the Water.”

Hollywood Filmmaker Casts Vote in Montco [KYW 1060]

Montco Cops Save Us From Fake Jordans

Detectives in Montgomery County arrested a Souderton store owner for allegedly selling fake Nike Air Jordans and Air Force Ones. And detectives didn’t even need to use a confidential informant to make a controlled buy — they were able to just do it themselves!

Montgomery County’s Justin Coale, 28, is charged with selling counterfeit shoes and compact discs at his Main Street store. The District Attorney Risa Ferman tells us it’s important to prosecute copyright infringement cases in a criminal manner for some reason: “When consumers go into a store expecting to buy a pair of Nikes they expect a particular quality of product. When they purchase these fakes — and that’s what they are, they are just fakes — they’re not getting that quality of product.”

Frankly, I just can’t believe there were no fake Nike Dunks. Or maybe that $500 pair of sneakers. Who wears Jordans anymore? Or maybe Montgomery County is just stuck in 1992.

Montco Man Busted for Allegedly Selling Counterfeit Kicks [KYW 1060]
Sneaking Around [Daily Candy Philadelphia]

No Sex Toys At The 911 Call Center

After Bucks County 911 operators got an initial slap on the wrist for not answering the phone call of a woman dying in her bed, everyone had to wonder: What do you have to do to get fired from your 911 operator job?

Montgomery County was nice enough to answer that question for us; a worker there has been fired for a Christmas party where sex toys were exchanged as gag gifts. The horror, the horror!

While on duty, the supervisor and other dispatchers were reportedly exchanging gifts that included adult toys, alcohol, and racy pictures.

The party occurred at the district’s 911 dispatch center in Eagleville on December 22 and several call-takers are facing disciplinary action. “It’s incredibly poor judgment and it calls into question the public’s confidence in their public safety system and that’s appalling,” Montgomery County communications director John Corcoran said.

Yes, no parties anymore in the 911 dispatch center! And how dare consenting adults exchange sex toys with each other!

Pa. 911 Worker Fired After Risque Holiday Party [CBS 3]

Reid Son Pleads Not Guilty

One of Andy Reid’s sons — Garrett, who is one of those kids in the photo above from after the 2004 NFC Championship Game — is going to plead not guilty to charges he smuggled drugs into a Montgomery County prison. He faces a mandatory minimum two-year sentence in the drug-smuggling charges, but he’s the son of a rich white dude so he has a much better chance of getting off than most people you know. But, really? Two years if an addict tries to bring drugs into prison? Just say no. [Inquirer]

Election Roundup: Voting Is For Dorks

In off-year municipal elections, the City of Philadelphia’s actual election takes place in May. Sometimes the mayor races (i.e., mayor) include a formidable Republican candidate, but while Al Taubenberger is a great underdog, he was recently polling at eight percent. But all the Democrats who win races today were elected on May 15, including mayor-elect Michael Nutter. (It’s after 9. He probably already has enough votes to win.)

You should still go out and vote, though, and not because it matters (it doesn’t) or out of a sense of civic duty (fuck civic duty). You should go out and vote because it’s fun! While the voting booths are not the fun old-timey blues ones of yore, you still get to press a couple of buttons. Okay, so it’s not Making Time. But if you don’t press those buttons, Bush and Cheney will win, or something. Or maybe the terrorists win. I don’t know.

Go out and vote today. If you don’t, annoying people will lie to you and say if you didn’t vote, you forfeited your right to complain. Whatever. Complain all you want whether or not you vote; but it’s always nice to try to diffuse future annoyance.

Below, a roundup of fun election-themed stories. We’re using a very liberal definition of the word fun here.

More »

More Fun: Kid Throws Ax At Cop

It’s not just Penn kids who are being attacked by gangs of pre-teens. No, out in Plymouth Township — is that the one with the Ikea? — the perpetrators are 8-year-olds and the victims is a police officer. Oh, and the cop was attacked with an ax. Apparently, if we got all the guns off the streets, people would just settle differences with medieval weapons, such as axes, maces, morning stars and possibly catapults.

The 8-year-old who allegedly attacked the cop with an ax ran away with two friends from a school for children from “troubled families.” The kids then stole an ax from the back porch of a home, and somehow got into an altercation with a cop. The cop told the boy to put down the ax, police said, but instead the kid threw the ax at the cop, missing him but hitting the police car. (That car was one day from retirement!)

The Plymouth Township deputy police chief said this: “And even afterwards, they had attitude. They were bad. They got inside a police car. They were spitting at cops.” Ha. Now that we’re not even safe from eight-year-olds, I think I’ll just stay inside from now on. Oh, wait, that’s the same as usual.

Police: 8-Year-Old Attacks Officer With Ax [NBC 10]
July 17: Gangs Of Preteens Stealing Money For Pogs

Grizzly Adams Turns To Life Of Crime

State police are looking for a man who allegedly attempted to lure a boy into his car by saying he was looking for his missing dog Friday afternoon in Montgomery County.

Here’s the sketch:

Hmm. Well, it’s not Phillyskyline’s Brad Maule, he wasn’t around this weekend. Man, I really do think it is Grizzly Adams!

Attempted Luring Reported [6 ABC]