Authorities Keep Gambling In Safe Hands Of Multinational Corporations And Indian Tribes

If you like losing your money like I do, you’ve no doubt wandered into a bar sometime and wondered, “Well, why can’t I gamble here? It’s a much more efficient way to lose your money than buying drinks for a girl who isn’t going to go home with me anyway!” Unfortunately for us, the law prohibits gambling except in cases where already rich people can make even more money from it.

Fortunately, though, a group of not quite as rich men in Montgomery County figured out they should be able to deliver what the public wants; the authorities quickly moved in to shut down the public’s fun. KYW 1060 reports a video poker ring was busted in Montgomery County. On the criminal scale of one to Al Capone, “video poker ring” weighs in somewhere around -15.

Sources say prosecutors executed search warrants at more than a dozen bars including one owned by a prominent elected official in Montgomery County. Sources say the major player is Connelly Vending which owns the machines and at least one arrest is expected and nearly two million dollars in cash was seized along with several machines.

The offenders will be quickly taken away from their families and thrown in jail along with the million other non-violent criminals and Steve Wynn will be safe to buy another 30 private jets. Ain’t America grand?

Sources: Illegal Video Poker Ring Busted in Montco [KYW 1060]

Have It Your Way (If ‘Your Way’ Means ‘With A Mouse’)

Noted gourmet restaurant chain Burger King recently had a little problem at a location in Montgomery County. It seems a customer at a BK in Abington was sitting there, enjoying his whopper, when suddenly he spotted two mice near his table.

The mice — we’ll call them Mickey and Minnie — were running around, stealing whoppers, eating French fries, drinking milkshakes, ordering kids’ meals. Or they were just skittering around in the dining area. A health inspector stopped by and decided the restaurant should stay open.

An inspector did find mice in the dining area, but:”The inspector did not see mice in the food preparation area.”

Health Department spokeswoman Harriet Morton says because no imminent health threat was found, the restaurant was allowed to remain open.

The mice are now gone, so you can now enjoy disgusting fast food without disgusting critters running around your feet. Hooray!

Local Burger King Allowed to Stay Open After Mouse Found [KYW 1060]

Guy With As Much Clout In Washington As You Tells Prez To Fire Attorney General

By now, there are only about 15 people in the world supporting President Bush. And there are exactly zero people besides President Bush supporting Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, who everyone hates because he tapped into our iPhones to listen to our phone sex conversations. Or something like that; I don’t really pay attention.

Anyway, pretty much everyone wants Gonzales to resign or be fired by Bush, but Bush won’t do it. Well, now a new voice has joined the chorus calling for the AG’s departure: Montgomery County DA Bruce Castor.

Castor, a Republican, wrote to Bush, telling him Gonzales’s presence hurts local Republicans running for office (like, say, Montgomery County DA Bruce Castor) as well as local law enforcement, because how can one prosecute breaking and entering when the attorney general keeps saying “I don’t recall!”

Anyway, Castor actually thinks Bush is going to read his letter, which is cute:

Castor — running for Montgomery County commissioner — says he doesn’t expect a reply but hopes that at some point it will reach the president’s ear so that he’ll know that whatever decision is made will have a greater reach than just inside the beltway in Washington.

Yeah, I’m sure that letter’s already in Karl Rove’s paper shredder.

DA Castor Tells Pres. Bush It’s Time to Fire Atty. Gen. Gonzales [KYW 1060]

Reason #52 To Love Philadelphia: Montco Commissioners

Short one today. Let’s just give props where props are due to the Montgomery County commissioners, who yesterday announced the HPV vaccine would be given free to those without insurance.

The HPV vaccine prevents the strains of the disease that can cause cervical cancer, but some religious groups are against it because they think it will encourage kids to have sex. Yes, the only reason our 11- and 12-year-olds aren’t screwing in the streets is because they’re afraid of contracting a disease they’ve probably never heard of.

So good for them, etc., etc. You know the drill here.

Montco Officials Urge Use of HPV Vaccine for Pre-Teen Girls [KYW 1060]

Trials In Montco Now Done On Radio

Penn professor Rafael Robb — whose wife was murdered Dec. 22 — gave DNA samples yesterday to Montgomery County authorities, the Inquirer’s Larry King writes, after DA Bruce Castor named him as the chief suspect.

Castor has said there are discrepancies in Robb’s story — for example, after finding his wife he said he put his laptop and briefcase away first — and that he would never publicly name a suspect if he wasn’t going to arrest him.

Over on KYW 1060, though, the two parties are simply content to wage a war of public opinion. David Madden reports:

There are lots of holes in the story Dr. Robb told authorities, according to Montgomery County DA Bruce Castor. And then there’s the defense lawyer insisting arresting his client would be “a mistake.”

Oh snap! Anything to say in reply, Bruce?

“He must be privy to evidence that we don’t have, because everything that I have seen points in the direction of Dr. Robb.”

Oooooh! What do you have to say to that, mister defense lawyer?

“If there were, we would be the first to let Mr. Castor know about it. I guess, unfortunately for Dr. Robb, he’s already told the investigators everything he knows.”

Oh snap! I can’t wait until these two end up on Jerry Springer.

Update, 2:09 p.m.: I missed Regina Medina’s Daily News story about the Robb incident, which spells out some of the gruesome details. It also contains this awesome first sentence:

Ellen Robb appeared to be in a festive mood when an unknown killer bludgeoned her to death three days before Christmas.

And you thought your family’s Christmas gathering was bad.

Professor provides a DNA sample [Inquirer]
Penn Prof Named Suspect in Wife’s Murder [KYW 1060]
Castor dubs husband suspect [DN]

Kids Nowadays Can’t Even Get Their Stupid Psychopathic References Correct

After Tuesday’s tragic suicide of a student at Springfield (Montco) High School, two students from other Montgomery County schools had a bright idea yesterday: Hey, how about we threaten to blow up our school!

The two schools in question are Soudertown High and Springford High. Soudertown was locked down after someone found a note referencing Columbine and Tuesday’s incident. Springford officials discovered a bomb threat in the bathroom, but Limerick Township police say a 16-year-old junior has confessed to writing the note.

In addition to being, uh, stupid, it’s also incorrect. Tuesday’s event was a suicide, not a school shooting. The correct reference here is not Columbine, but Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy.” (Or, if you want, the newspaper article that inspired the song. Thanks, Wikipedia!)

I know the kiddies aren’t quite into the Pearl Jam these days, but, c’mon, do a little research people. You don’t want to look even stupider.

Two Montco Schools Receive Threats [KYW 1060]
Tuesday: Student Shoots Self At Montco H.S., School District Posts Note On Website And Moves On

Introducing: Keystone Cops!

Welcome to Keystone Cops, an occasional look at crime, public safety and police-related news in the area. Like many things on this site, consider this a “soft launch” that I will forget about in a few days. See, I didn’t even go to the trouble of making a logo. For now, enjoy!

• The son of John Timoney, Everyone’s Favorite Police Chief™, was sentences to 18 months in prison for attempting to buy 400 pounds of marijuana from an undercover officer today. Sean Timoney faces probation and drug rehab after he gets out. Timoney’s lawyer: “Cops’ kids have been getting in trouble since the beginning of time.” Yeah, just like when Police Chief Ock’s kid got away with all those DUIs in the Great Rift Valley. [AP/CBS 3]

• In response to the school shooting in Lancaster and yesterday’s suicide at Springfield, Montco officials have come up with a solution: Panic buttons. Panic buttons. Seriously. Maybe they can get some of those convenience store-style height charts on the door jambs, too. [KYW 1060]

• Subhead from this Courier Times story: “The teen will have to spend a year in an alternative school due to his threat to blow up Pennsbury High School East.” Wait, that’s punishment? [Bucks County Courier Times]

• A former New Jersey police officer who lost his job after an encounter with state troopers is suing for a million bucks. Money quote: “Officer Wade informed me it’s a known fact among officers that you never pass a state trooper vehicle; you let them pass you. They don’t like that.” [AP/6 ABC]

• And, finally, this isn’t crime, it just seems like it: Ex-State Sen. Joe Conti has a new $150k job created by the state just for him! [Inquirer]

Crest Fights Cavities, Quells Insurgency

Now that the election is over, all Americans except John Kerry can get back to doing what we do best: supporting our troops. And if you’re one of those troop-supporters who wants to do more than put a magnetic ribbon on the back of your truck, then Soldiers for Hope is for you.

The group, founded by Montgomery County’s Tricia Pine, collects donations for care packages for soldiers. And what, exactly, are they sending over there?

It’s indescribable how much joy can result from a travel-sized tube of toothpaste, according to Tricia Pine.

That amount of joy does, no doubt, resist description.

Group collecting donations for soldiers’ care packages [Bucks County Courier Times]

Werewolf Robs String Of Convience Stores; Dracula, Frankenstein Expected To Embark On Similar Spree

Stop the presses. A werewolf has been robbing convenience stores in Montgomery County. (Sure, NBC 10 says it’s a guy in a “mask,” but I’m pretty sure it’s a werewolf.)

The werewolf has hit three convenience stores with his partner, a man in a hooded sweatshirt. (Probably a zombie.) Both the werewolf and zombie are armed with hunting knives, probably to throw people off, since they don’t really need weapons. (They’re a werewolf and a zombie!) It’s unsure why the werewolf is simply robbing stores instead of slaughtering people, but I suppose he’s a kinder, gentler werewolf.

The werewolf also robbed a pizza delivery man, too, with a female accomplice. (Elvira?) Although police are trying to calm people’s fears by saying it’s a guy in a wolf “mask,” the public is nonetheless scared.

“I can’t pinpoint it but it’s scary,” said Robert Arrison of Lansdale.

You can’t pinpoint it? It’s a werewolf! Terrorizing your town! How clear do I have to make it for you?

Wolf Mask Robber Hits Convenience Stores [NBC 10]

Leftovers: Averaging .87 Homicides A Day A Big Victory For Philadelphia

• Only 27 people were killed this August, putting the city only 2 percent higher than last year’s homicide total. Whoo! Hip, hip, hooray! Let’s go Philly! Way to not kill a person a day last month! Somebody ought to give out an award! [Inquirer]

• Upper Pottsgrove Township had one (1) man vehemently opposed to expanding the township’s open space initiative as well as it’s 1/4 percent income tax increase to help fund it. Gasp! Rather than some nice trails and parks, of course, he’d rather use his, say, $150 to buy a totally kickin’ giant American flag. [I've Made A Huge Tiny Mistake]

• It’s football season starting at 8:30 tonight. Hooray.