Quickies: Slick Willie

• The group pairing with the union to bid for the Inquirer has President Clinton on the board of directors. Of course, he’s just a “senior advisor” and won’t be doing much, if anything, but, hey, perhaps they can get some hot interns out of the deal. Or, you know, ones that look like Monica Lewinsky. [New York Sun]

• Indicted officials getting money: It’s not just for Philadelphia City Council anymore! [Bucks County Courier Times]

• The player the Phillies traded Vicente Padilla for has been released. The good: New GM Pat Gillick isn’t afraid to admit mistakes. The bad: He might not have a clue what he’s doing. [Daily News]

• The U.S. debt clock will soon run out of room. “How about a government works project to build a new one?” says President Bush.

Wagering Dollars To Apples

I’m never quite sure what the attraction in bank robbing is anymore. Back in the 19th century, you could rustle up to the local bank, steal some cash with your six-shooter and spend your cash undetected until John Wayne caught you — provided he wasn’t portraying Genghis Khan at the time.

But now, there’s cameras, tagged money, tracking devices placed in bags and cops everywhere(ish) that can easily catch you. I’m sure people get away with bank robberies in America, but the risk/reward ratio just seems too great. You’re better off playing “red” in roulette, or getting your crime spree fix playing Grand Theft Auto. Or, you know, go into business.

Bank robberies are just too dangerous. Take yesterday, for instance. A robber robbed a bank in Northeast Philly, only to be caught a short time later in North Philly due to a tracking device. Same with another guy, who robbed a bank and hopped on a SEPTA bus… which, obviously, was pulled over a few blocks later. (One man did get away with a thousand bucks.)

The highlight of that first robbery in the Northeast was that the robber said he had a toxic chemical and he’d spill it all over if he didn’t get his cash. He got the cash, but the substance turned out to be apple juice.

Now, if it were prune juice, that’d be a toxic chemical.

Juiced up, he squeezes 6G from bank [Daily News]
The Conqueror [Registan.net]

Quickies: DARE to do drugs

• Philadelphia Will Do would like to congratulate Turner Middle School, which goes from grades six through eight, which so far this year has a city-high five drug and alcohol incidents. It’s a close race, though, as the K-4 (!) Lewis Elkin School is nipping at Turner’s heels with four. [Inky]

• How hot is Philly right now? (Not in a temperature sense, although we do all know now that it wasn’t cold enough for Ice Storm 2K6.) We’re the first city to get the new $10 bill! Whoo! Striking a blow against communism with one purchase of a Constitution Center ticket! Alexander Hamilton would be proud. [Early Word]

• The fan who ran out onto the field during an Eagles game to spread his mom’s ashes has gotten community service. He’s from Arizona, so for his service, he has to attend all eight regular season Arizona Cardinals games this year. [Inky]

• There’s now a store selling fireworks in Morrisville. However, of course, Pennsylvania residents can’t shop there legally. This makes so much sense it almost makes my head explode. [Bucks County Courier Times]

One final moment of schadenfreude

And, finally, to close out this day of lonliness/love and keep with the theme I’ve been doing this afternoon, I present to you the final line of Stephanie Abrams’ report of Valentine’s Day:

The retail industry says the average consumer will spend roughly $100 on their sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

Woohoo! Eat it, those in committed relationships! I’m buyin’ me a new pair of sneakers!

Love Is In The Air On Valentine’s Day [CBS 3]

I kid, I kid; I’ll never leave you, writing

Shit! Why didn’t anyone tell me this before I chose a career?

Intuition | Actually, money does buy happiness [Inky]

Blogicized: Puppets for all

• Apparently, Rick Mariano and John Dougherty are “puppet and master.” The mental images I’m getting from this? Sickening. [America's Hometown]

• This is the greatest submission to Overheard in Philly yet. I don’t even care if it’s made up. [Overheard in Philly]

• Who won the war on Christmas? I think this is a battle that nobody won, except for maybe pundits with nothing of real substance to say. [TommyWonk]

• Here’s how to save all that money you got from your relatives. [Phillyist]